Tonight I feel rather tired and it is only 10:30… not even… but never the less I will try not to fall into another cycle of putting of posting. This is how sad my life is today. I spent the last four hours watching The Big Bang Theory with Phil. (My friend and next door neighbor in the dorm) Other than that I've written someone up, eaten food, and attempted to reply to the letter from Kat. For some reason I am motivated to write her back yet I feel I cannot express myself in the proper manner. I have some written (from the day I got it) but I have not been able to add to it for some unknown reason. Every time I sit down and want to write it I get distracted, like making a playlist on Grooveshark. (Amazing little website btw, the playlist was actually a CD composition by Mel of a bunch of sons that reminded her of me… no idea why I had the inclination to create that playlist just kinda felt in the right mood for that music.) Besides the music side, doodling and think about what to put on the letter and how she will be affected by it. Do I draw designs and pictures on it like I've done on the other letters I've sent? Mel and I wrote back and forth a lot, I drew roses and wrote poems and designs with the words going around them or to one side. I look at some of the pictures as romantic but others don't seem to be and I am conflicted if I should make this letter the same. Will Kat read into it that I took allot of time on it and that I care still? (not that I don't care but not in that way…. I think…) and yet again I don't want the letter to be boring and such. Sadly enough the more I think about it the more I reach the conclusion that my pathetic little world is still based heavily upon the premises that other people need to accept and like me. This all drawn from the conclusion that I apparently over analyze every little detail pertaining to how people will view the things I do and what I say i.e. I contemplate every scenario of how they will be affected and or react to my every move and decide which is most likely for their character and personality. From this knowledge I extrapolate the way to best acquire their approval and all that entails. This is how my sad little mind processes every detail of everyday. Perhaps this is why I run myself in circles or why I seem to care so much about all those I may not even be friends with but have simple come into contact with. My mind boggles these ideas while two others come to mind; that of how you react to my post (whoever you may be) and the after effects of my approval seeking nature in a friendship. The first idea springs from the fact that based on the very little knowledge I have you, my reader, I cannot grasp in any length how you will react to anything I write. I can assume and deduct I suppose but that leads to no great truth. There are many different rabbit holes this can take us down. For instance, you, the reader, could be a complete stranger in which case there are truly an infinite amount of possibilities as to how you react and the simple case is that unless I decide to stop blogging, no action I take effects you, save for maybe relational (in respect to similar situations you find yourself in) and emotional (if at any point my words mean something to you however unlikely that might appear). The second path we then can take is if you are not a stranger (the only other third option is if you think your stranger ie found the blog by mistake, and are actually someone I know) is how you came to the blog. First you could be one of the friends that know I actually have a blog (Phil, Ned, Mark… and a few others) or you are someone that pays way too much attention to me. If you are the first, a friend that new about it, some of what I might say will, I almost guarantee, shock you and perhaps change the way you look at me and interact. (this being said you are just as likely to not be terribly effected and continue on). The second option means that you are fairly interested in me and verging on stockerish. These posts could either serve as a deterrent as one might get to know the true me or it could act as an intrigue, the allure in the mystery or secretive side and nature of me… but enough of this rant I have gotten way off topic and I am definitely tired. Tomorrow holds homework for me, after brunch I think, and then maybe a little bit of letter writing. This will all be followed up with my wings game and movie night that I'm hosting and rather intently looking forward to. So I will say goodnight, check the ex's blog as I haven't done this already and then go to bed! Have a goodnight.
A Analytic Struggling stranger
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