I am.

Why does one put one's self in harm's way? Why do I have this tendency for self mutilation? (As Ned would say) I have made a commitment to try not to think about women yet what do I find myself doing almost more? Why do I feel compelled to continue in things I know I shouldn't? Why do I drag things on instead of putting an end to them? Am I that self seeking? Do I put that much thought or pull on what people think about me. Am I that insecure that I need confirmation of self worth? What is wrong with me so much so that I need, am forced, compelled, obligated, constrained and bound to seek others approval? All of this is like a dozen freight trains racing through my head at speeds incalculable. Like my mind is a punching bag and I am the puncher. My mind reels and heaves at these thoughts. They are constrained in the sense of vocal action, yet they find their way beyond words. They are who I am; who I hide. They are the inner façade to an even greater turmoil. They are the raging waves and currents of the ocean now as the void. The void encompasses the ever increasing crevasses and hidden corners of me. When people look at that two letter word 'me' they think and ponder at what it truly means. They know not what it, in fact, is. If they did they would be open to a rage, a wrath, a frenzy. Their idea's and characterizations and labels all amount to wisps on the wind of who I truly am. And who am i? Am I the Man of God; the one with impeccable moral fiber and character. Am I the secret sinner that has infiltrated the deepest levels with the cleverest of disguises? Am I the frail teen seeking truth? Am I simply confused? I wonder these alongside the chaos and trials of every day. If I made the wrong choice? Yet still I know that I did not. That I am were I am supposed to be. The question dissolves to what end?

These are not the first encounter and reckoning of these thoughts and ideas, nay, these persistent and nagging queries. They are simple made worse from the outcome of their ravenous appetite. Even after a day such as this, the haunt my every thought. I am one searching for an answer? But the answer to what? I am a purpose without a cause; a fight without a reason. A am an adult in adolescence, a Man in a boy. I am unknown, not understood, Alone. Yet there is still the whisper in my ear, the whistle of the wind? No, a silent companion; one who knows all and does not tell. I am not alone. I feel alone, I am alone, but I will never be alone. I am a state of mind. I am an idea. I am a missing puzzle piece. I'm a statistic. I am unlabelable. I am unique. Yet how do I attempt to label myself unique and not labelable in a society where everything is and has a label. Like the Israelites who want to name God so they can 'own' him, how do I own myself if i do not truly know who I am and what my name is. Ywh the name that is unpronounceable or rather should not be pronounced is the label God gives himself. It means "I am who am". I am who am. I am who I am. I am not who I think I am. I am not who you think I am. I'm who I think you think I am. I am a servant in search of master that is already found. I am a voice seeking it's sound. I am lost in the middle of being found. I am a series of thoughts that lead to no end. I am a logical being in an illogical conundrum. I cannot label myself so I seek others to do it for me. I am a plate spinner. A spinner of dreams. A spinner of worlds, cities and people. I am a master spinner of personas; switching between them as I like, freely as a bird. But one false move and all the plates come crashing down. I am one removing the plates. Trying to discover the table they sit upon, they are build upon, their foundation. I am an onion with its many layers. I am a painted wood object trying to discover the grain. I am a door that's lost its key. I am a door that lock's is broken. I am key seeking it's lock. I am a lock seeking it's door. I am a door seeking it's frame. I am a light without any source. A source without any light. I am stuck in an elongated path, a pathetic path, that whinds from one state of mind to the next as a river seeks it's end. I am self destructive in survival. I am a product of modern thought and a thought of modern product. I thrive where I die and die where I thrive. My mind is a split personality an oxymoron. I am who I make myself to be; yet, I am who God made me. I am smart and I am dumb. Strong, but o so weak. I am blind where I should see and see where I am blind. I am a struggling stranger. The only fact that can be proven, and yet not proven, is that I am. My mind exists yet nothing else might. I am. I am here. I am questioning. I am thinking and pondering. I am brooding and, yet, preoccupied.

I am.

 

A Struggling Stranger who is.

Is abstinence really that hard?

I Know I want to abstain from even thinking about girls and relationships but today has been an amalgamation of just this. I'll start off with the least aggravating?

It's Friday, so I have no class, which means I'm sleeping in. Well I get up shower and plan on doing some homework. I have a few commitments today; I'm meeting up for a friend and going for coffee (James, I'll introduce him in a bit) and poker with the guys. (lenient for that one) Well I haven't text or called James yet so I get sucked into facebook and all it entails. Soon enough I'm talking to Ally. She's back home cause her brother's sick and their dog is really on its last legs. Well other than her bringing up the movie we never finished and the hike it was fine. But this I suppose is inclination that she wants to finish it, aka date. Well enough with her for know. (She had to go take care of the dog) onto the EX! Joy…

Kara started to talk to me (or I to her I do not remember) on FB chat right before Ally went offline. Well we talk for a little bit and she is having trouble with a computer assignment. She asks if she can call, I say sure, and she does. I help here with the assignment which was simple manipulation of MS Word. (Stuff you know if you mess around enough but may not pick up on) somewhere in here James (I'll introduce in a bit) phones. We had talked about going for coffee today and just confirmed the time. Kara calls back and we talk for a bit while she continues working on her assignment. She decides to call me back in a bit.

On a side not from all the Girl drama and relationships (in a way) James and I went for coffee. The reason is for accountability. We keep each other accountable. I won't disclose the details but he'd been struggling and I phoned him at the right moment (God thing for sure!) to allow him to be open with his fiancé. Well we had a good talk about more than just that and I tell him all that's going on and through my mind. (Where the relationship thing sneaks back into this day as indiscreetly and invasively as possible) Kara calls during this meeting and all I need to really mention is she sent something in the mail…

On with the day! Back at the facebook stage (forgot to mention this) I had started a conversation with Kas. She never did reply but I think it might be tied into something a little later on… For the next stage I need to introduce and explain my family. (Yes I'm finally going to tell you about what I promised previously) At school I have 'family'. What I mean by this is I have a sister, not a real sister, but someone I talk about a lot with and really interact with as if she was my sister. (coincidently her really little brother has the same name as me) Well the other day Reba (My sis…) and I went for some overdue family time. Sometime during the conversation Mandy comes up and also my 'commitment' not to date and think about relationships for a year. Well our 'fam' time comes to an end. We go our ways only to have her text me at dinner telling me we have to meet. As it turns out when she went to her room Mandy was there. With someone else in the room, Reba casually drops that I've committed to not dating in earshot of Mandy. The reason for our urgent meeting? She felt she may have broken our confidence… Bless her she is amazing. She didn't want Mandy to say something about my not datingness and have me find out that she dropped the line. Not only did I assure her that I trust her and her judgment I thanked her profusely for doing so. We joked about it and said, "Well hopefully she backs off" and "we will find out tomorrow". Well, not only do those words haunt me at this moment, but I definitely found out the effects. Mandy has latched herself to me, clung rather. After playing a game of pool she invites me to cheesecake and coffee later on with two other friends. Well I don't want to seem rude, more to the other friends, so I accepted. This isn't where the story ends however…

Later in the day, I get a text from Mark asking me if I want to hang out with him, Kas and her best friend. I say yes and so begins the turmoil of the century. They want to see a movie. Kas wants to see one thing, Mark another. In a playing, joking way they argue about it and anger flares etc. They finally decide (edge of darkness) but because of the argument and they way it was done (msn) we can no longer make the 7 20 showing and have to go for the 10 30. This is great as it allowed me to slip out of the thing with Mandy. (She was none too happy glaring and such…) Well to kill time we hit up Rocko's (awesome little retro diner with milkshakes) It's all fairly well (I mean I'm completely not myself and can't hold a decent conversation, I blame Kas… sad I know but there something about her that cause me to freeze up.) We go to the movie and sometime through the night someone else gets invited to meet us at the theatre. Well Kas saves a seat for him. This sets off my 'radar'. I'm pretty sure Kas likes him and all through the movie I was looking at the night and other things piecing things together. Well I come to the conclusion that Kas will most likely go back to school in his car. I was right.

My mind on that ride home was well, interesting; one might say ground breaking. I was angry, and I knew why. The person I liked was going off with someone else that I knew she liked. This seem like such a wrong emotion the express, especially because the chances I blew with her and, simply, because who I am. Things like this don't bother me. They don't affect me. There's just something with this girl, yet a part of me still doesn't think she's the one. I've mellowed out writing the rest of this, as what I was thinking I was going to write is completely different. (maybe even a little offensive, but definitely blunt)

Well I'll leave the sad tale of my relationship life here as I slowly realize truly how hard it will be to not think about of this. Especially when this is all my day revolves around. But this is the very reason I have chosen to take such a serendipitous action; to counteract this and grow closure to God. But as I type this, my mind reels to the option or thought that perhaps that's just who I am…

 

A Struggling Struggling Stranger

Pizza 20 bucks, tank of gas 40, Sweet car a whole heck more, driving over an hour to get pizza with a Friend PRICELESS

Well as you might expect me and Mark did what we do best tonight; go on random adventures! We were both bored sitting in the lobby of our school after dinner so we decided to do something. At the time we had no idea what so we hop in his car and start driving. We talk about everything from God to Girls to hummers to our adventures in Cali. Somewhere in there he turns to me and asks, "You want pizza pizza?" I say sure! A little bit of history in that response. Last Year that was almost always my response to Mark when he said almost anything. This lead too many adventures that were crazy and well awesome. The ultimate example of this was California. 4 guys, one week, one 20 year old Honda prelude that has no business being on a road trip and I say sure! Lol I'll tell you all about that adventure sometime. But on with the night. So un-benounced to me saying sure, the closest Pizza Pizza is an hour away. We finally get there and order; 1 large pepperoni, two bottles of pop and six garlic bread strips for 20 bucks, sick deal of no deal! Anyways we finish this and head out. By this time the drive and the caffeine finally get to us. We blast music and sing along loudly, then we start the obvious game. If you do not know what this is you are missing out on random college fun (minus the booze). This involves yelling at people on the sidewalk, in cars that have their windows down, anything that you can get the attention of. Well started out stating the obvious, "your walking!" or something along those lines. Then it got stupid with my line, "Who ya gona call?" and finally ended up with this scenario. Mark yells out his window to an Asian man who is dressed nicely, "who snappy where you going tonight?"… Meanwhile there is a couple of goes on the other side i yell at right after. Well what I said got the older guys attention lol. What did I say? "GO SMOKE A SALMON!" Some friends truly are one of a kind! The story doesn't end her tho. We get back into town and start playing the theme song or anthem of Mark; blink 182's whats my age again? We crank it and hit something the people at the college know as 'the dip'. We turn around to head back to college and notice headlights screaming up behind us a ways off. Well there either hitting the dip or coming after us so we take no time in getting out of there! We get back to the college and that's the night! What is truly great about this and other adventures with Mark, is how open we are with each other; we can be completely ourselves with each other and that is comradeship that his awesome. Friends like that make life! There are other things I could tell you tonight like stuff with Mandy, and I still have yet to introduce my family and how that played out today (coincidently those last to coincide). But I'm tired and well tomorrow I have coffee with a friend and poker so I bid thee good night!

 

A befriended Struggling Stranger

Wednesday's have become the highlights of my week. Why may you ask? Well let me tell you… :P Not only do I have two excellent classes today that allow me to explore what I believe and why (doctrine 2 and Non-Pauling epistles save is slept in and missed doctrine 2, I'll explain later on) but we have chapel in the evenings. The last two chapels have been really good for me. I am continually seeing my life a scale. Before it was tip all to one side. The first Wednesday, it became slightly more balanced. Last Wednesday it was completely balanced. In between last chapel and today it went back unbalanced. This chapel it went balanced and passed. What does this mean to me? Well There has been a lot of sin, attitudes and life bogging me down and keeping me from God. I let go of some of this the first Wednesday but not a lot. Last chapel I let it all go and gave it to God but that night even added right back to it. Today, despite what I'd done, God met with me again. Even though I was still on the recover line, he used me. He showed that he can use anything, anyone for good and that his grace is enough. Further from that He poured what was left of me out. This is where I was struck and shook in my very being. I had nothing left to pour out. My spiritual life has been so dry and decrepit. I tried to pour out into people and I had nothing. God showed me how empty I truly am without him and how much I need him because without him I can do nothing. What is really interesting about this is as I was going through all this and how empty I was and how I needed to be filled God provided a way. One of the student council leaders from last year got up and asked if everyone could pray for their student leaders, including me because I'm an RA. God brought me to this place of dependence and inadequacy but showed that he knew what he was doing and there was an answer. A bunch of guys gather around me and prayed for me. It wasn't so much the prayers though, they cannot rejuvenate my spirit; it was that God moved in my life and showed his presence. He met with me and provided for all I asked. God moves. That is what captures my heart and I have a longing to get into his word, to know, to speak, and to walk in His present and Holy Spirit.

Remember how I said I would explain the sleep in account, well I will not disappoint. The last couple of weeks (I think since I got back from the break) I've used my comforter without the cover because I washed it. Yes, partly due to laziness, but more due to the fact that I never think about putting it on until I was going to bed and as Ned goes to bed before me I don't want to do it then and disturb him. Anyways, the night before last I didn't sleep well and thus had it stuck and set in my mind to put the thing on. Well let's just say that restoring this extra weight and warmth I hadn't a chance in the morning. My alarm usually goes off and Ned gets up and showers and then I go and shower. This morning the alarm went off for a longer than usual but I finally woke up. Ned goes and showers (though he was slow to get up to) and after that I don't remember anything till I got up at 9:30 or so… Apparently Ned came back to the room lights on the whole time and I was out cold. Ergo I missed Doctrine 2 which is a double block in the morning starting at 8. I could have made it to the second block but I figure there wasn't a point.

From all I'm going through and all I'm learning girls are still present on my mind. Today I came to the conclusion that God has a plan for all I don't :P funny isn't it. I made the decision that I'm not going to date for a year. I will not date anyone until the spring semester next year. In addition to this I will try to keep the topic of Women off my mind as much as possible. I want to devout this year to learning and growing closure to God. This means I may have a lot less interesting blog post or none to speak of we will see. In lue of this, however, I trust God will provide something to write about each day involving him. Tomorrow is a new day and a lot will be started and concluded that I think will be beneficial. I have class in the morning then a meeting with my wing mate. After that I have a meeting my dean of Men and a man I would like to say is my mentor. Then I have group meeting for an issue I struggle with. Then I have some family time with a really good friend who I'll introduce and explain tomorrow. After all that I might have a college and careers group to go to. So I will say goodnight.

 

A Graced Struggling Stranger

The Book that is read into for girls

    Sorry I missed the last two, not that it really matters cause no one is reading anyway; but let's not get into a sad depressive state. :P Well today was interesting, yesterday had stories, and tonight was awe inspiring. Would you like me to explain? Well I think we shall start with the situation I always find myself obsessing about; GIRLS. Remember how I said there was a hike 'date' (again for lack of a better word) on Monday? Well let me tell you how that played out… Monday I have class in the morning then an RA meeting and then class at 6. (the class which is death to me in class form… not from the teacher or the teaching simply the time…DEATH) In both of these classes I have a weekly assignment due both involving reading and reflecting. (This is also the reason I missed Sunday night's blog) Well I was able to finish one Sunday and read most of the other. (The one for the afternoon class) This meant I needed to do the assignment when we had planned our hike. Well I checked facebook after I had started the assignment and wound up on her page. Interestingly her status was "….the waiting game…" and the time it was changed was the time we were suppose to start our hike. Right under that status update was another that may or may not be directed at me, but I found intriguing none the less. It said "I'm the apple at the top of the tree. If you ain't goin' to climb, you ain't getting' a bite." Just caught my eye. After finishing the assignment it was still fairly early so I went up to the other dorm to see if she was around. She wasn't. Later we saw each other, still before my class, she mentioned it, and then said she didn't really want to go today anyway; I made a lame excuse about the homework. The outcome we will see. I'm really not too sure where anything will go from here. Next interesting story. Mira wanted me to call her and thus I did because I was free. We talked for a good long while; she talked to Ned as well for a bit. (Allot of interesting things perked my ears with this) After I got the phone back we got into a rather serious talk but then the phone died. We began FB emailing back and forth and this lasted until late in the night. The topic was of course us but stemmed off of a question and response about something I said being cruel. Outcome, and it scares me to admit this, we both still care for each other in a 'more' way. Yet we continue moving on as it will never work. I'm conflicted in many more ways than one from this. Why does the one I feel so attracted too and so in tune with be a person I can never have? Will I ever meet someone who is like her that fulfills my hopes and dreams? I know God has a plan and all, but the doubt is still there. Because of my stubborn nature I suppose, I will take this and but these thoughts to the back of my mind; never going away but not fully present until they explode causing a chain reaction of thoughts that is unstable in bringing me to despair. Enough, to the back of the mind. Next on the agenda is a new comer, Mandy. Mandy is someone who annoys allot of people and is loud and crazy. She's a good gal but not anywhere near the one for me. Well after talking to her on FB about some things, just caring for a friend, I knew it would go downhill. This is a perfect example of being a gentleman and getting myself in trouble. She asked me to do things today and because I was extremely bored I agreed. We played Dutch blitz and pool for a long time. At the end of the night I come home check FB and lo and behold I have a new message. It reads that she just wanted to let me know that she had a great time today and that she's looking forward to getting to know me more…. This and couple of jokes throw in as thrown me right off. I don't know how to say no and not hurt her. I can't, as Ned suggested, just give her the cold shoulder; she is still a friend, yet I cannot continue with her in a delusional state. Well I think the best course is simple not to reply; she can take that how she wants whether that be a cold shoulder of me not being too much into FB. Well on with other stories for the night. In class yesterday we discussed going as a class to see a movie. Today we did. We went and saw the book of eli. So much can be said about that movie but I will sum it up in it has affected me and how I will continue on. I feel much more motivated. I won't ruin it for anyone who hasn't seen it but it is a great movie to see. A little swearing and a fair amount of gore is all for that besides ideas and concepts (non sexual mostly) that are not suitable for younger ages. I will try and get on tomorrow and explain more but I leave you here tonight wondering at what I'm wondering about in this movie. Goodnight.

 

An Awestruck Struggling Stranger

Been on a hike with an Ace with Noname?

Tonight was an awesome night! I hosted our wing party. It was a good success a good number of the guys turned up. We played poker and had our fill of pop and chips. Oh don't buy noname ginger ale… not only does it taste incredible bad it does something to you… trust me it has bad effects… funny, but bad :P lol. While we were playing poker others were playing the Nintendo 64 or playing on my electric drums. After that we watched ace Ventura pet detective… Funny, a little crude but funny. Well it was all done around 10 10:30 so here I find myself lying in bed with my Bed Buddy Ned lol talking. This is where it gets interesting. Amongst being right about a quote about Kung Fu Panda, the topic of Females came up. Partly because of the letter I finally finished writing today and partly because it's me and my roommate. In any case, we got on the topic of how it seem a lot of the girls were interested in, have the same first letters in their names. The prominent one for me is K followed by m with maybe a J thrown in there. To get a rise out of Ned, I mention a possible A for me (hinting at the girl Ally who I pretty sure she likes me and Ned pretty much got her to say it… or rather to say it by not saying anything and intern that being a yes in a sense… )WELL we got into a discussion about leading girls on. He thinks I am leading her on (and in a sense I agree) but I'm one who avoids conflict and hurting people. What I mean by that is I don't want to be straight up or abrasive but nor do I want to lose a friend. The point where this matters is I have a hike with her on Monday. Not a date by name but by assumption. Me and Ned both think this would be too much (leading her on wise) and he suggested I find another to go with us, just to be a presence. I asked him and he said yes if he was free. The stipulation he added to this was what I thought was funny, true and funny. He said she probably sees Ned as my wingman from the invite to a movie and the aftermath. History on the movie: Ned and I are sitting in the caf and Ally comes and sits with us. Ned and I had planned to watch a movie after dinner before chapel. Well he starts to invite her in a roundabout way. I look at him thinking he is doing this on purpose to annoy me and help along his evil plan (the tummies 'date' set up) well he completely is just being a nice guy and didn't think of it at all. Again funny, but not good for the lead on. In any case we both think that she sees him as my wingman and that he wouldn't be a the best choice for the hike. The other option we came up with is the possibility of 'the talk' coming up on the walk and having a third there for that would be, well, awkward. In this situation, however, it would be easy for me to show her how I feel, not interested. But those situations plague me. I hate hurting people. I've said it once and I'll say it again I would almost go along with it to not hurt someone… really bad, especially since later she will be hurt even worse. Well whatever I decide well see what the outcome is. I don't want to lose a friend and I really am flattered she likes me but she's not the one for me and I've given Ned permission to sack me if the thought of going out with her crosses my mind. Why? Because me and Ned are the same. We both have a tendency to like the people who first like us. It's a lot easier in the pursuit ie the works already done. Here I will say goodnight! On a side note the Ex may not be blogging anymore, I think I might continue because it's a good record and I hold hope for any who read it. Fair Well!

 

A Subtle Struggling Stranger

Systematic and Sad

Tonight I feel rather tired and it is only 10:30… not even… but never the less I will try not to fall into another cycle of putting of posting. This is how sad my life is today. I spent the last four hours watching The Big Bang Theory with Phil. (My friend and next door neighbor in the dorm) Other than that I've written someone up, eaten food, and attempted to reply to the letter from Kat. For some reason I am motivated to write her back yet I feel I cannot express myself in the proper manner. I have some written (from the day I got it) but I have not been able to add to it for some unknown reason. Every time I sit down and want to write it I get distracted, like making a playlist on Grooveshark. (Amazing little website btw, the playlist was actually a CD composition by Mel of a bunch of sons that reminded her of me… no idea why I had the inclination to create that playlist just kinda felt in the right mood for that music.) Besides the music side, doodling and think about what to put on the letter and how she will be affected by it. Do I draw designs and pictures on it like I've done on the other letters I've sent? Mel and I wrote back and forth a lot, I drew roses and wrote poems and designs with the words going around them or to one side. I look at some of the pictures as romantic but others don't seem to be and I am conflicted if I should make this letter the same. Will Kat read into it that I took allot of time on it and that I care still? (not that I don't care but not in that way…. I think…) and yet again I don't want the letter to be boring and such. Sadly enough the more I think about it the more I reach the conclusion that my pathetic little world is still based heavily upon the premises that other people need to accept and like me. This all drawn from the conclusion that I apparently over analyze every little detail pertaining to how people will view the things I do and what I say i.e. I contemplate every scenario of how they will be affected and or react to my every move and decide which is most likely for their character and personality. From this knowledge I extrapolate the way to best acquire their approval and all that entails. This is how my sad little mind processes every detail of everyday. Perhaps this is why I run myself in circles or why I seem to care so much about all those I may not even be friends with but have simple come into contact with. My mind boggles these ideas while two others come to mind; that of how you react to my post (whoever you may be) and the after effects of my approval seeking nature in a friendship. The first idea springs from the fact that based on the very little knowledge I have you, my reader, I cannot grasp in any length how you will react to anything I write. I can assume and deduct I suppose but that leads to no great truth. There are many different rabbit holes this can take us down. For instance, you, the reader, could be a complete stranger in which case there are truly an infinite amount of possibilities as to how you react and the simple case is that unless I decide to stop blogging, no action I take effects you, save for maybe relational (in respect to similar situations you find yourself in) and emotional (if at any point my words mean something to you however unlikely that might appear). The second path we then can take is if you are not a stranger (the only other third option is if you think your stranger ie found the blog by mistake, and are actually someone I know) is how you came to the blog. First you could be one of the friends that know I actually have a blog (Phil, Ned, Mark… and a few others) or you are someone that pays way too much attention to me. If you are the first, a friend that new about it, some of what I might say will, I almost guarantee, shock you and perhaps change the way you look at me and interact. (this being said you are just as likely to not be terribly effected and continue on). The second option means that you are fairly interested in me and verging on stockerish. These posts could either serve as a deterrent as one might get to know the true me or it could act as an intrigue, the allure in the mystery or secretive side and nature of me… but enough of this rant I have gotten way off topic and I am definitely tired. Tomorrow holds homework for me, after brunch I think, and then maybe a little bit of letter writing. This will all be followed up with my wings game and movie night that I'm hosting and rather intently looking forward to. So I will say goodnight, check the ex's blog as I haven't done this already and then go to bed! Have a goodnight.

 

A Analytic Struggling stranger

Social Skeletons

Well Like I said, I'd be back tonight. Well where do we want to start; Ancient history or social? I think the info on the social will be shorter so let us commence with that and proceed on words from there. I have only one block of class on Thursdays so I have nothing to do. Well since this is the case Ned suggest that I should come with him to this college and careers group that he is going to for the first time. So I say sure. Why? A) I have nothing else to do B) its to do with God and getting more of him and C) I might meet someone. Sad I know, but I can never seem to loosen the grip of the female and marriage upon my feeble mind. So we go, Sasha a friend of Sarah comes with us as well, to this group to see what it's like. They are all very friendly and take us in sticking up conversation easily. There was one guy though, and me and Ned both wanted to say something to him but it was obvious he was looking for answers about God and it wasn't our place. (Especially in a group were we ourselves are newcomers). Well that was about all for the social event it was fun but there was no one there to note, no one that caught my eye. On to the history lessons. I got a letter today from Kat. Kat is my best friend, Jake's, cousin. She is also the first person I dated, ever ( I don't count the one in grade 7… that really wasn't dating and I never like the girl anyways… it was a mixed up time, I might talk about it sometime.) With all other GF's I've been the one to break it off, with Kat, she broke it off. (I think I was always a one GF only guy that has now been opened up to a whole world of hurt for not waiting for the right one, I'll get into this in a short while) Let me put this into context for you a little bit. I first met Kat at a Youth convention. Then when I went with Jake and his fam to a cabin they were there and I really took note of her ( and her twin sister lol I just like to add that she's a twin). She is two years older than me and we talked on Msn for literally hours. We set up dates on msn per say. Well one day, and this kinda returns to 'one GF ever' idea but, we were talking and she suggests we take it to the next level, actually date. Well I didn't want to at first and this went on for about a week but she finally wore me down. So never having dated before, I'm put into an entirely new situation and I'm not too sure what to do. Well first off, I ask her if I should call her dad and ask permission, she says sure and I do… (I think I handle the conversation fairly well and he allowed us) So we set out on this next step in our relationship and I of course move quickly, maybe because I'm nervous I don't know, but we start talking on the phone and soon after I bring in the big three words… I used it a lot and surprisingly before she did. Well this is all history now. Skipping to the end of this long distance relationship (Ned would remark on how all of my serious relationships have been long distance…) She dumps me, but not so cleanly o no. We talk about it for about a month and then seriously talk for a week. Throughout this she asked me what we should do and she never gave me a clear answer until the end of that week were I go on facebook and her facebook relationship status has changed to nothing… This is ultimately how I found out I was done. Regardless ( I make it seem worse than it was I suppose) we did remain friends. The talking slowly dissipated and eventually became few and far between, until the letter. (Somewhat lol) Well this letter is the result of a skype convo (text only) and included how she missed me and our friendship (horribly I might add) but further that she has "most everything behind me and I am willing to start over" and "I don't hold anything against you" well of course this gets the old gears in gear and grinding as to what that meant. My mind goes from what I did and then to what she did to me and so on and I try to reason out stuff but I can't really find a place for it to fit in my mind. Attached to this though "(not saying you did anything wrong)" and that just sends me reeling again. Well I have no way of know let alone understanding what she means by this or to what she refers but I do regret things I've done and it would be easier if I could blame something I did for everything. But besides that. The intent of the letter was to reestablish our great relationship as friends and I respect that and her. (sad to think of this but she is one of the few I truly respect. Her and Mira are truly the ones I respect… as I think about this I might chalk it up to intellect and I see them as smarter or at least as smart as me I dunno, just something to think about) I will write her back probably tomorrow as I have no class, we will see. On a side note to the rest of the day, remember how I was saying I was going to be more bold and such? Well, I basically asked Kas out on a pool date (billiards) and i think she would have said yes (her response was that of another time then?? Or something of the sort but with two question marks) but right as I was about to 'seal the deal' Ned asked if I wanted to go to town with him the run some errands and I need to run some of my own so reluctantly I said yes. I'm going to try and ask her tomorrow similarly. I want to get to know her and figure her out as she is one of the few that I cannot read well and she makes me nervous (very strange for me around women especially those I like…) until then and until write back to the skeleton that has come back to life and walked out of the closet I bid thee ado! Goodnight!

 

A Gravedigging Struggling Stranger

A Scaled Finally Re - Balanced

Wow. That is really all I have to say. The reason I didn't post last night was the amazing service we had. Every Wednesday we have chapel. Last night I me with God in a tangible way, just me and him, for the first time I along time. My heart was convicted on things I need to set straight. Such things as the projector I 'borrowed', thinking I can do it on my own, my continual web of lies (even on here there are something's that I've lied to myself about, not a lot but a few). These are only a few I wrote down on a page. The other major one was this blog though. This blog I designed, I'll be ita little subconsciously, to tear myself down; exploit my life and short comings. This is evident in My signature as a struggling stranger. Struggling showing that my insecurity and stranger kind of saying how no one really knows me or even cares to know me. Then again the title of this Blog, The Pathetic Path, shows something similar. Pathetic is pretty self explanatory and path refers to my life. Both of these are inspired out of my down on myself attitude. All of these, and more, I wrote on a piece of paper, thinking I'm listing the things I need to improve and fight against (which it was) but God had another idea. After I finished writing these things down I couldn't stop writing. But not of these things. All over the page, in the middle, on the sides, down the margin, latterly all over even sideways I was compelled to write the exact opposite of these speak life, love who I am, WHOLE, real faith, Be bold to mention a few. The page looks like a completely mess with word all over the place underlined box and circle. But those that I was compelled to write (the ones speaking life into my life) which were underlined and boxed in passion, make it so your eye goes straight to them and you pay no attention to the self destroying words I'd written. This is what God did for Me. He took all the bad in my life and made it have a purpose. My weakness are still there but through them God is Strong and I intern am Strong through him. If you look closely enough you can see the weak and such but looking at the page you always notice the good. This is like God in my life, he shines through. And though these are just words written on a page in plain and simple ink, God changed my heart again that day. That's not to say I won't ever have any more problems (quite the contrary) but I was at peace with God for the first time in a long time. A scale tips from one side to the next, forever cursed in this circular Hex. Last night a weight was lifted from one side, this action causing his servant to abide. This describes me. My life was so tipped in one direction, so much weight of sin and wrong living, tearing myself down, that the scale was unbalanced. The scale was redistributed and though it did not tip completely to the other side it was balanced; letting me know I can still reach God still be used by him. From there I smiled and just rested with God. He gave me a verse Luke 10:2 "Then He said "the harvest truly is great, but the laborers are few; therefore pray the Lord of the harvest to send laborers into His harvest". How this impacted me was in way more ways than I would have thought. The harvest IS… not was, not will be, IS and great. BUT that stupid word that always gets in the way of things. But the Laborers ARE again present tense few. Not that there aren't it's just that those who are working are either not getting all the crops or they are working way harder than they should to produce good quality and efficiency. THERFORE; God gives us the answer to the but PRAY. Something my life has desperately lacked is prayer. The Lord of the harvest; He has already won the battle as it is his harvest. And finally HIS harvest. It is his harvest we are but the laborers. We need to let him use us as he will because it is his and only by his power do we do anything. Well I think I'll leave it here but I'll be back tonight as I have an unopened letter from some ancient history I haven't introduce. And I'll be going to a small group till then.

 

A Balanced Struggling Stranger

Sore Legs with Grand Theft TV and little Bold Sauce makes for some kind of a day

MAN! I am out of shape. I played some indoor soccer today with my schools soccer team. Well I won't give excuses as to how out of shape but lets just say that my legs are seized up. Ya lets leave it at that. Other than that it's been a bit of an interesting day. Class, well, didn't happen. I know, I know, it's too soon to be already skipping but I actually went to bed a good time so it's not that. Regardless, this did give me some time to clean the room before the room check (which didn't happen down here). After that was small group, our first one of the semester. I think this group will be good. Not only do we have a good leader who is trying to get food every week, the guys (and one girl who was there) were all very open which allowed me to be. I'm looking forward to our next meet and getting to the word. After this is where the day gets interesting. I had a phone 'date' (reluctantly I call it this for lack of a better phrase) scheduled for today but after lunch, when I was going to call, an interesting event happened. To explain you need a little background. My school recently bought (this year) brand new Sony flat screen tv's. We have a 'movie room' in the bottom of our dorm with one of these 50" TV's. Today two people (females according to report) came to the school in a green van opened the back doors and walked into the school. These people talked to students and faculty then proceed to steal the TV by going out the fire escape and into the van. Needless to say as an RA (resident assistant) I had to help talk to people get reports and first off figure out if it was just a prank (which it wasn't). This didn't allow me to call Kara and thus the phone is pushed to tomorrow if I can get a chance between classes. Not quite sure how I feel about that one but I take that one as it comes. Other than that I've finished an assignment for tomorrow that is slightly contradictory and highly confusing as to what exactly I'm supposed to be doing. Well if I've done it right or horrible wrong it is done and we will await tomorrow for judgment and correction. General thoughts on the day conclude in a sense of boldness or courage I suppose. The only reason for these? I have for once taken some initiative in my RA role. I have talked with my wing mate set up schedule meeting times (also with my RS). I've planned events and posted a calendar and a profile with contact info. Besides the RA stuff though I can get my mind off of being bold in the situation with Kas (one I like). We'll see where it goes and what opportunities present themselves, but for now I'm going to bed so I definitely get up for class tomorrow. Goodnight!

 

An Encourage Struggling Stranger

A Speechless Score

So this is well overdue. I think it's safe to say that staying up all night the other night has completely messed up my schedule and my motivation. Well onto what to blog about today?? After the events of the other night today seems pretty mellow. My thoughts are more stable and I can trust myself a little more. Mira and I did not get any sleep that night and thus when her parents left for the opera she went to sleep for a little while. This gave me a chance to finish up last night's post but when she came back I didn't feel like I would suddenly lose control of myself in a flurry and well take advantage of her. (a rather scary thought given how much I do care for her and just in general) Don't get me wrong the urge was still heavily there I just didn't think I would explode with passion and emotion unexpectedly. Thus I say I can trust myself more, not completely, but more. Events of that day include helping my uncle pick up a new air compressor and cleaning some things out. Yesterday wasn't to eventful slept most of it away other than that I had band practice and am playing the Cajon today for chapel. Other events of today I'll talk to you more tonight I hope but on with what's on my mind. No nothing for the Ex's blog today, but still something on the web. Mira sent me an e-mail saying that she missed our late nights despite the large amount of time spent on sad, rather pathetic, thoughts. She also said I should visit more and to check out a song. The song is what got me thinking. Lady Gaga 'Speechless'.

I can't believe what you said to me
Last night when we were alone
You threw your hands up
Baby you gave up, you gave up

I can't believe how you looked at me
With your James Dean glossy eyes
In your tight jeans with your long hair
And your cigarette stained lies

Could we fix you if you broke?
And is your punch line just a joke?

I'll never talk again
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

I can't believe how you slurred at me
With your half wired broken jaw
You popped my heart seams
On my bubble dreams, bubble dreams

I can't believe how you looked at me
With your Johnnie Walker eyes
He's gonna get you and after he's through
There's gonna be no love left to rye

And I know that it's complicated
But I'm a loser in love
So baby raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends

I'll never love again,
Oh friend you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless
x2
And after all the drinks and bars that we've been to
Would you give it all up?
Could I give it all up for you?

And after all the boys and girls that we've been through
Would you give it all up?
Could you give it all up?

If I promise to you boy
That I'll never talk again
And I'll never love again
I'll never write a song
Won't even sing along

I'll never love again
So speechless
You left me speechless, so speechless
Why you so speechless, so speechless?

Will you ever talk again?
Oh boy, why you so speechless?
You've left me speechless

Some men may follow me
But you choose "death and company"
Why you so speechless? Oh oh oh

Perhaps the first thing I thought about was 'is she speechless or am I?' This was my reaction to the title alone. The first thing that kind of slapped me in the face, taking me by surprise and well leaving me a little speechless, was the last line of one of the second line. As I mentioned before about how much I wanted Mira, I went as far as to even fake emotions to get her to pity me and give into anything I wished. This worked to some extent but not fully to what wanted. (a good thing in retrospect and full self control) But the line that hit me (and I'm almost positive that Mira had no idea) said and cigarette stained lies right after the first verse and former of this verse, that completely applies to us. (her singing to me at this point). The next line that stuck out was "And I know that it's complicated, But I'm a loser in love" Mira a while back had gone on a rant about complicated relationships and everyone under 22 need to proclaimed to the world it's complicated were the very act that everyone says it's complicated makes in normal. But that's not my rant, I simply am applying how much weight this statement means. And I may just be over thinking this completely, but the second half of the line speaks even stronger. And again though I might simply be reading into and taking out of this something completely more than intended but Mira is a rather smart gal (Simply Brilliant if I do say so myself) so I lean more towards my thoughts as being fact rather than 'riding a dead horse'. I could continue picking this song apart (more than how it just applies to me a Mira) but I will simply say if I read into this correctly, I truly am left Speechless as to the implications. As I was writing this (partly in class today hehe) Who am I jumped out of the bush and punched me in the face. The class I'm in is called adolescent development and today, though the first class, we were taking notes describing why we need to study this subject. We listed major life changes that occur during this stage. Well to be short many of them I either was going through or will be. This surprised me in sense as I always saw myself as generally more mature than my peers. This kind of put into perspective where I fit in the world right now for me(another bullet on the list). I sense that this year will be one of me discovering and finding the answers to question I have yet to even contemplate about asking myself. Beyond this lies something entirely different; complete and utter uncaring-ness. Which nags at the back of my mind as to why I don't care and why now is it choosing to surface. These I think are questions for another time, one further on when there is less of me in this situation in this stage. The only other thing I will add to this blog is a comment on Kara's. See is looking forward to our "phone date" tomorrow. The word date worries as I am definitely in over my head further she adds "Score" after. Not only does this unnerve me in the sense of a date but it also unnerves me in the fact I have not given her the openness or, I don't know, trust for her to call me whenever.

 

A Delayed Struggling Stranger

Oh What a Night

Two things on my mind (maybe three) as the night crawls on (finished writing this the next morning). The one involves people you know, Kara, the other is one you have not met, perhaps from shame. It will take awhile to explain, so perhaps I will dive into the other first. Again it was her blog. Today was pretty much the opposite of her other post. This one described how she missed everything about me and such but what really grabbed my attention was the fact that she openly said she loved me… What makes me think about this is the fact that we never exchanged this written or verbally before... perhaps it was implied in some manners but never truly spoken. It shook me… not so much it was said, but that it was announced. This scares me for the four months I will spend in Winnipeg two of which are the bare minimum that I will have to spend with her. Beyond that she went as far as to say I loved her. Yet further still that I still do. Yes I love her, but as a friend. I know she is not the one and I strongly feel that what she felt was not true love, but attention fueling what she thought was. My true thoughts are what the heck am I going to do; I've already hurt this girl more than anyone ever has and yet no matter what I do next I will hurt her more. Even though she says she OK if I never love her back that way and that if she never finds anyone else she will be content; I know that nothing of the sort is true. She will find someone, the someone meant for her, but until then what am I to do? Do I straight up tell her how it is? Do I try and break it to her easy? Or do I simply try to ignore it altogether? These are the pressing questions of my mind followed or preempted by the questions of what the heck did I do? What did I get myself into? And what was I thinking. These tie into the other situation tonight in more ways than one. Let's introduce someone too you. Her name is Mira. She is a complication in my life (ironic as she ranted on everyone under 20 have 'complicated' relationships). She is my cousin, and I know how that sounds but let me explain. She is my cousin through marriage, she is not blood related at all (perhaps the only reason some thoughts even passed through my mind). She is the daughter of my Uncle's second wife. Well last summer, before I headed to camp, I was staying at my uncles for two months. This is where I and Mira got to know each other. From here it escalated. We started staying up to all hours of the night talking until one would begin to literally fall asleep and the other was keeping them awake by some form of physical 'abuse'. This gave way, rather quickly, to cuddling. Clearly there was something there. After this kissing soon followed (the second girl I have ever kissed); then, one night, we were sitting on my bed, doing what we always did talking just being near each other, and we began to kiss and I accidentally tugged on her hair. Well say Goodbye that was it. Something inside of me dares me to write all that happened yet part of me says no I share that information. So I will go into less detail. The clothes stayed on but nothing was sacred; the next night I cannot say the same. In the nights to follow it progressed rapidly and though we never, to use the preverbal 'did it', we came and 'stood on the line' I would say. But this is where it gets even more complicated. While talking to her and her sister about us something became very apparent, I simply cannot do this. You see she is not a Christian and I'm going to be a Youth pastor. This simply does not work. The verse do not be unequally yoked comes to mind. And really I could not live with myself know she was going to hell and I would never see her again. I could not do it. Well it ended rather quickly but we still talked (luckily or unluckily I left within the next few days, this did however make me look like a bigger jackass of jerk) on the phone. This all brings us to today and tonight. Tonight is a week after I've gotten back to school after the Christmas holidays. I have not seen her since midsummer (somewhere in there we stopped talking on the phone, just before or soon after Kara). Well I was not sure what to expect. Well like usually we talked about a lot, even Kara and how we both didn't think she truly loved me with that gut wrenching heart throbbing way (as Mira described it). Now begins the unrested, unsettled complication part. Though I didn't fully share this with Mira, I shared some. Never have I wanted someone more than I have tonight; to feel her skin, to smell her scent to just hold her. I know a lot of this was lust, but I didn't care I wanted it. Yet I was and am so conflicted. Part of the main reasons I broke up with Mel and Kara was on the principle that they were not the one, specifically, that they were great but they did not stick in my mind as in if asked (and it happened) I wouldn't know how I would defend them if someone said I could do better. This nailed me as I thought about how intoxicated I was with Mira. Not only could I list things about Mira that set me on fire, but I could list things that I had always wanted and in conjunction with the fir, turned me on. But then my Brain kicks in and pipes up about how it can't ever work; and the thing you want most is what you can't have. This did not deter me sadly and I did eventually illicit a response of a very long hug and staying up all night together. Looking back I am so glad nothing else happened, yet I still long for it, in this I do not trust myself in the least. But why do I find someone that I laugh with and seems so right for me personality, brains and everything it's package in have to be so conflicting with one rule that I cannot break without utterly destroying who I am. Me and Mira have talked about this, and though she knows how much I Love God she doesn't understand why we cannot be together if we truly love each other. And so my heart my mind and my very soul are conflicted. I can't simply give up all I know and believe, I Cannot live with myself if I knew she was never going to always be there, and I Can't get her out of mind and ignore her (partly because of her relationship to me and because I simply don't want to). While all this floats through the mass sea enraged in the depths of my mind I cannot help but have the thoughts of I shouldn't be thinking this run through my head; and this should be a no brainer, you live for God. Yet I feel I that I want to disregard these. I know I am almost too stubborn to ever leave my faith yet everyday that seems less and less certain. So many things run through what is called gray matter in my head I scarcely can think at all. And though for some reason I worry much less about hurting Mira, My sense of I don't want to strings along stronger than ever. What am I going to do? I have no idea, I leave tonight and she works at three. My Plan thus far, ignore it and hope it vanishes like the breath breathed on a cold winters night.

 

A Divided Struggling Stranger

A Blogger? Methinks Not…

I'm not exactly sure why I started this blog… It might have been to spite, in a sense, my Ex girlfriend who started a blog or perhaps it's some deep seeded need to feel like somebody out there cares. Then I stop and think that I shouldn't be thinking these things because I'm a Christian; worse than that a soon to be pastor. God is supposed to be the one who cares, the one who is there; the one I can turn too. Yet as much as I know this in my mind it doesn't stop the thoughts that run through my mind ever doubting. So much so that I even question why I'm who I am and what I stand for. Despite this I crawl within myself and kick out all this on here to you yet I know not even who you are, and feel I will continue to do so for some misaligned reason unbenounced to me. Sadly the reason I have chosen to wrestle with something so against my nature and continue this is one that truly scares me beyond comprehension. As I was sitting in the bathroom excreting excrement, thoughts after reading my Ex's blog plagued my mind and danced upon my emotions. No it did not bring me to tears as many of my 'friends' might think of my soft mannered and gentle self. No thoughts of dying run through my mind, playing out in the reactions. I was not thinking of Suicide, not quite at least. My thoughts dwelled upon ways I could die that might please people around me or rather make me look good, to be plain. Even now, not so soon afterward, I cannot recall to mind what exactly these pictures were, only the feeling they left. Again why am I feeling this, I'm not supposed to be thinking these things. In one of my classes, a counseling course, we even talked about such things. Simply it scares me. I've heard it said that often counselors have worse problems than those they try to help but I am no counselor nor do I necessarily think that is true. Perhaps one of the things that are a root of my unnerving fear is the fact that we were taught that any form of suicidal thought is serious and needs attention and help. This conflicts me between wanting help and self sufficiency and then again by the choice to rely on God. But enough about what I think, let us look at the cause. What was written that so affect my, made the nerve endings in my brain ache for death? Nothing so sharp as one might think. This is where my 'friends' are right in thinking me sensitive I suppose. What caused my maligned thoughts? "The little princess died a little today" the opening words of Kara's Blog and would set the mood for the spike driven through my very moral fiber. What specifically twisted the preverbal spike I cannot say but it was the genuine hurt in, not only this post but others as well, that grieved my spirit so. One thing that gets to me is when I hurt people. I cannot stand it. Often I'll put myself at imposition to avoid this. This can and has gotten me in trouble. Per example with Mel; which I will explain later if I decide to continue fighting my nature in blogging. This need not to hurt has ripped my soul my very core in two. I know Kara is not the one for me. Not because she is ugly dumb or any reason of the sort simply because she is not the right one for me. (Contrary to what is said, Kara is Beautiful, Brilliant, Talented, Has a Heart For God and I can say nothing bad save she freaks out when she gets a ticket…) She says she is angry, or in that stage, and this pains me because I do not want to lose a friend let alone one of my best. The thought of losing another (yes I said in an earlier post I had never lost a friend, since then Mel as gone down that path and again I will get into that later) makes me want to puke. But enough for now I'm heading out with my friend Mark for some good quality talk n' coffee time and then talking with Kara on the phone… She has something exciting to tell me or something so I might be back later tonight with a second instalment.

 

A Soft Struggling Stranger

Class ARG!!

Today was the first day of classes and wouldn't you know it Wednesdays are my busy days! I have a double block in the morning and then a double block in the afternoon. And if that was not quite enough in between those I bought some of my text books. I just love giving money away! *rolls eyes* It really wasn’t too excruciating, definitely was not as bad as registration yesterday. On to the classes I suppose. My first Class this morning was doctrine 2; a continuation of Doctrine one form last semester. It seems like it’s going to be a good class lots of things I want to learn from this course but today was a write off. All we did was go around the room say our name, program, year and a funny story and after all that finally review some of doctrine one. Not a complete waste as there was some good stories causing the eruption of the entire class including myself. My story got a good laugh considering the one I had to follow but it wasn’t entirely truthful. I don’t know why I felt like I had to say something good. Perhaps I just want to fit in or not embarrass myself, I don’t know, but either way this is only one of many similar situations that seem to tear a piece off of my own self respect. Why do I feel like I need to ‘sell’ myself becoming part of something and slowly lose who I am? Though no one in the class knew what I said was, well, not true, I feel like these situations I lose something. I want to define my life by honesty and most people, I would dare say, align me with this. This is all part of a bigger problem or struggle on my pathetic little path of life. One that will, I guarantee, resurface. For now, however, on with the day. My next class was Non-Pauline Epistles. Again allot of potential to learn about things I want to learn. This was a smaller class but even with that I felt completely out of my element, out of my league. People in the class seem to have a firm grasp on most things already and were interacting with the notes where I was just struggling to get them down and understand them let alone pose and sort of critical think upon them. It’s moments and classes like this one that make me wonder why, how, or even can I be a good pastor. The question of what makes me different? What gives me an edge? Why would God use me or how can God use me pass through my mind and take this struggling stranger in a choke hold that nothing, it seems, could lift the arms of uselessness and inadequacy. I feel chained, restrained yet I know God can use anyone and because of this I continue, shaken, still shackled to this cycle of circular thinking. Why do I get in this circle? Is it because I’m stubborn? Is it because I think too much or am to ‘smart’ not to just accept? This endless cycle of repetition and close but never found alluding answers is a near constant in my noggin and is simply only made worse but such classes, positions and the career I have chosen. Which begs the question why did I do this instead of something else? But that is a topic for another day as it is another circular thought and I’ve already rambled enough on this one. So what is my action going to be? How do I react now? Well I will try and be on top of my work and be at the peak of my learning but we will see how long that lasts as even now thoughts of my female issues pop into my head and tear me away from my work. But for now I go to read.

A Thought Provoked Struggling Stranger

Intro

Well Lets get to know the Gang! Lets start of with the Roomy, Ned. He's crazy, smart, and a good friend. Then there's Jake, my best friend, but distance splits us so you might not here too too much about him. There are a bunch of people at college but I'll introduce them as they come up. Lets move on to some history. Something interesting about my relationships is that I remained friends with all of them. I don't want to get into ancient history so I'll only focus on the last two. Mel was my middle school crush. I took her to grade 8 grad but we never dated until first year of college. You could say it was movie worthy; we lose track of each other then out of the blue start talking on the net. Next thing you know were back in the same town for Christmas and hit things off. We dated long distance and I can tell you it's hard but it is possible. I'll explain more about that and how things ended up later. Onto the most recent Ex... Kara. We met at camp last summer. Again the situation was picture perfect. While watching a movie late at night, somehow her head ends up on my thigh. All of this without her knowing as she falls asleep only to wake up staring into my eyes as I'm string into hers. Again I'll explain more on this and after thoughts that have run through my mind later but you get the picture. My relationships have been well uniquely wonderful. I even can say I've never been in a true fight with any of them. (whether that is good or bad I leave ultimately to you but to me I think I see it as bad) This being said I could have made it work easily with any of them but have felt they simply are not the one. Who is the one? well here we meet the ones who make life interesting. First there is Kas. This is the girl I think I like and for some strange reason seems to be the one girl I simple can't flirt nor really even talk with.(which is strange because as Ned would say I'm a shameless flirt with any girl. Kara once said it's partly because I'm a gentleman and often acts of kindness I offer to all are seen as being interested in the receiver but I leave that to you) Then there is Ally. Ned was helping with a Christmas play at his church and asked if I wanted to go. Me being the good room accepted not knowing that he need to be there two hours early. So we go. (we also drove Sarah and Ally. Sarah was helping and Ally was going to watch.) Well it ended up me and Ally (a girl I had talk to maybe a few times on campus before) going to Timmies. I chalk it up to my ability to carry on a conversation, but it would seem that she is now very interested in me. (though there may have something there before I don't know). Then there is Sam. She hangs out with Kara a fair amount and has been very friendly lately since it didn't work out with one of my friends, Nick. Well that is some of the people making my life interesting. I'll introduce more tomorrow maybe.

A Struggling Stranger

Hello World!

Hello World

First post on my first Blog ever. This Blog I think will pretty much be about my life and the struggles and toils it entails. We'll see were it will take us and I hope it may help you in some way or simply entertain you; that is my wish. I won't ramble any more on this.

I suppose you'll want to get to know me a little bit. Well I'm not generally one who talks about my self (honestly) so I don't know were to start really... I'm male, about five foot eleven or so, blond-brown hair, hazel eyes; but none of that really matters. What's different about me, unique to me, or noteworthy? Well I'm a Christian but I don't particularly like the term as it's used today. I'm a bible college student and I want to be a Youth Pastor. I live with a crazy room mate on my college campus who is scarily like me. I like girls and on occasion they like me. I try to be honest with everyone sticking to a motto or mantra of 'My life is an open book, all you have to do is care to ask". I align myself with the say 'I'm a Jack of all trades, but a master of none". I like a good book. Music is amazing and most people would say I have a rather random, diverse or eclectic assortment of every range of genres. I play drums, piano, a little bass, and I'm teaching myself Guitar. mmm anything else to note... Nothing comes to mind but I'm sure you'll get a better picture of me as things progress.

I kinda want to explain history and things that have happened but then I realized just how lazy I am so I'll fill you in as we go :P...

I think this will be all for tonight as the only reason I started this was from me trying to find someone else blog, an Ex Girlfriend to be exact, and I'm fighting off some Jetlag so I'm tired.

Good night

A Struggling Stranger