Adopted or Abandoned

    Tonight was my schools Christmas banquet. Like usual I end up helping, A LOT; it's just what I do. I don't mind not being recognized that i helped as was the case last year (which I was there more than the two actually planning it… but I'm not bitter…) no this does not get to me. The thing that gets to me is not having one person come and talk to me, not one person (other than those needing something for the banquet) realized I was there unless I brought myself into a conversation. Not one person said hi, not one person wanted a picture with me… I know who I am and am not looking for anything from this it just makes one doubt. One begins to think that nobody appreciates you other than what you do… Don't get me wrong I know I am loved but what of friends that are close by you, even acquaintances. Perhaps this stems from my own view and willingness to serve others and call everyone I know a friend. I honestly believe that I would do most anything for the people I know; there are not many I would hesitate if they really needed something. And it is not like this is an unproven thing. Most of those who know me could tell you this because of who I am. Yet despite all of this does anyone really want me around? Does anyone enjoy me for me instead of what I do? It makes me wonder…

    Tonight is one of thought brought around by many different things… I had an excellent meeting with my dean of students, Mathew and yet my mind is whirling in a different direction from the events of this banquet. Let me finish up my thoughts on the outcome of tonight. After the banquet all the freshmen are suppose to help clean up, and they do, then most people go out. This banquet is by far more about the after party than anything else. So do you suppose anyone invites me along? Do you suppose anyone notices the one who is actually helping tear down and will be again tomorrow and waits to see if he needs a ride anywhere, no. This is only the ramblings of one person, but it is not a singular occurrence even within my life… this is the 4 or so time with such an occasion as a banquet. No one seems to miss me or even have me cross their mind in the slightest… Yes I'm being a little selfish but this is how I feel. Abandoned, left out, mistreated, unloved. I know this is not the case especially with the creator God who looks down on us but it is simply the lowest residue of a batter mind still recovering.

    My meeting With Mathew was not like any I had had before with him. We actually talked and he made me think… I had to look inward and actually think. This is most significant because it is what wanted from these mentoring meets and had never gotten but on another note what it made me think about was again that God knows all and we don't yet we still have a choice. A choice to choose him and give him total control and trust or not. The other thought is that one needs to choose to look at every situation he finds himself and realize that he can learn and perhaps is suppose to learn from it. This is true with my sis, she is and has been physically sick in a sense and I being the fixed wanted nothing more than to be there with her and helping her to fix her. I need to realize that thought this is something she is going through it also is something I am going through and need to learn from it.

    I have many more thoughts I could scribble but I long to talk with my love perhaps for the sole reason of her knocking some sense into this thick skull of mine. So for now I bid you adieu; I may or may not be back tonight depending on whether sense is knocked in or if I'm still thinking about things.

    An Abandoned Adopted Stranger

Depression of Choice

Oh choices how you vex me…. Today I had a presentation; did I ever tell you I hate not being fully prepared? I think one of the worst feelings is watching other people present with the thought of your own presentation looming over your head and not being completely confident in it. In part this is my fault as I didn't prepare my part as well as I should have but it also comes from not meeting up with group members before hand, not doing a group project as a group project… well this is my little rant but it draws it back to choices.

    We as a group chose the last minute. Though something's like a car breaking own play their role if we had schedule to go over things before the day before we could have rescheduled. Like most things lately I chose things over schoolwork because I did not want to face the work or anything else. The outcomes of these choices are I didn't get to talk with Kara yesterday and had a horrible sleep because of it (partly the pop I drank too perhaps) I missed out on something I love, on the one I love because of my choices. In a previous post said I would not ignore or not realize the gifts and blessings in my life. This is a recommitment, and like I have figured out is something that needs to be a daily committal. At the beginning of each day I need to verbal commit it to God, to see the things in my life and being me. If I don't do these I won't think about them throughout the day and they will (speaking from my on experience) will slip. This is something I have realized for me, it may or may not help you wherever you are at.

    Side note---- depression is a choice… another choice courtesy of my counseling foundations class were I almost definitely found out/was told I'm depressed… interesting eh?

    On a positive note I brought joy to peoples lives with news the other day… I let you all wonder what that was… as to my day today I miss Kara and long to talk to her. I have errands to run and will be getting off this stupid hill and away for a little bit which will be glorious and I have the RA/RS Christmas party. I'm in a blah mood and not looking forward to fish and chips for lunch… well due to lack of sleep and perhaps the beginning of the day I will leave it here.

A depressed struggling stranger

Choose Life Not the Beard

Well it is December first and as such the beard from no shave November has been erased thank goodness… it itches! But other than that there are 16 days until I fly Home. 18 until is see my love.

The events of last night may seem trivial but I shall share them. I talked to Kara for a short while after a rather disappointing time at volleyball then wrote a paper and went to bed… So what is the purpose in telling you this? There were choices made and choices seem to be the theme on my mind this last day. First I chose to go to volleyball and about half way trough I came to the conclusion I wasn't having a bad time and chose to not have a goodtime furthermore… I chose to leave assignments to the last minute again. But the most significant choice I made last night was that of going to bed. How is the significant or important, simple, I chose not allow myself to do anything else. I made up my mind to go to bed without any online issues. It crossed my mind for a sec when I finished my paper but I chose to go to bed… perhaps this is a piece of encouragement or perhaps it is simply a chance occurrence. I leave it to you to decide what if anything you take from this but that is all have other than I miss my dear Kara and want to desperately talk to you!

A thought I had as I was about to post you was the theme of God having a plan for our lives… It keeps coming up in chapels in classes and in assignments. In every area we see people affected by God. He has a plan that is so complex and vast yet extremely simple. The way in the past he as orchestrated people to meet up and with Kara and I's story there is undeniably the hand of God that has brought us together… something I shall be thinking more about I suppose.

A chosen Struggling Stranger

The Choice of Focus or Focus a Choice

They always say how hard it is to finish well in this time between now and Christmas with exams and papers due but people never think it will affect them. I'm one of those but have succumbed to the inevitability of lack of motivation. For the last several days, and weeks really, I have not been able to focus on a task. In part there are too many distractions but not in the way one might think. My mind is distracted more than physically. I cannot dwell on any one thing or say what one thing is truly setting my mind in such a fray as the tracks are jumble for the train that is my thought. In all of this I notice things however, things that don't change and are stable. More and more I see a direct link between God and my every day. There is also a choice, and frankly I've been making the wrong one as of late. The decision to not face the coming odds, trying to cheat the system, has left me exactly where I am. Like a get rich quick scheme, my mind runs. I want to cut the corners and finish the easiest way possible. One positive look on this is in the fact that I was taught to work smarter not harder; this is the extreme outcome that binds me to what seems an easy way out. Instead of just sitting down and actually doing something I spend more time thinking about how to get around it than I would have actually doing it.

    I have let this blog without a post for a long time, this partially, is because of the growing difficulty in coming back over the longer time away. Some is for Fear of who is reading, or not fear but knowledge of who is. This is the workings of my mind and I write what I honestly think and go through. With this I write my struggle.

    The things that weigh on my mind are numerous but can be numbered. As I like list here they are, Kara, forever on my mind, My sister, school, future, present, my faith, the easy way and many more. Kara and I are us. There is no other way to describe it. She's on my mind and I miss her. But there are always things that people nitpick about. I wish she would call me out on things, not paying attention on the phone, reading, and other things. She doesn't like conflict and I know that, I just wish that she would be more selfish as strange as that sounds. I am a servant I feel happy when I can help others and as such I wish there was more I could for you. Distance doesn't help this in the least; rather, it makes it all the worse. It's in these moments I think she's too good for me. In some sense I feel I want her to be more selfish because of how selfish I am, and that if she was less I wouldn't feel as bad. This is something that has plagued my mind. I am extremely selfish… so many things when Kara and I are talking and so many times it's for me. Perhaps this partly a bad self value as I don't see how I effect her but in the most part I feel selfish, things I say are for selfish reasons things I do are for selfish reasons and I cannot control them, or do not want to. Again I am faced by the I do the things I do not want to do and the things I want to do I do not to do. The conclusion I have come to, and it is one that vexes me, is that no matter how one looks at it, it is a choice. I choose to do the things I do, no one can choose for me what I do and I what I do not do. This brings me my mind to the ultimate struggle of my thought and very being.

    During summer I discovered who I was, I am a creation of God longing and crying out for that maker longing to do the will of Him who is above all things. At the core of my being is God. Yet within my mind the thoughts of what is easiest creep in. It would be easier to give into what I want, to take what I want, to leave what I believe behind because then I would be allowed to do what I 'truly' want. An attack from the father of lies, yes; but it does not keep my mind from following down the trap path he sets forth for my mind to run and wander down. In these times in need to remember what I learned this summer, what I had forgotten and have since regained, I Love God. This does not stop my mind from turning, however. If I know this and will not be swayed then why do I still choose as if I didn't? Like a dog who returns to his vomit. Why do I return to those things which has made me sick, that infected who I was and destroys from the inside out. Choice. This is the struggle of life I have discovered. First it is whether you want to follow the world or God. Second it is whether you will follow the World or God. This is a daily struggle of choosing what is right and doing accordingly.

    So why after coming to this conclusion has it not completely revolutionized my thinking and all that I do? It's still a choice, and in a choice you weigh the good and the bad. Well this is true or me at least, and as a result I need to see the good and the bad, experience them both to know which is better. This is completely idiotic and stupid as I know which is better and which will feel better but there is still that longing in me that wishes I had an amazing testimony of coming out of a ton of bad and being who I am. Do I wish this upon myself no… but at the same time yes. It is simply one of those things. As to where I'm at right now, I feel that is the excuse, reason, theory, justification for why I have chosen the opposite of what I know is right. A sad excuse but until working through all of this in thought, in particular on here, I had not realized this before.

    Back to the list of things that is bugging me, my sis is going through some rough physical things and it is on my mind. But in a sense that I want to use it as an excuse, a pity party if you will, for sympathy or special attention from people. Sad again I know but the thought and intent were there if they aren't now. Realizing this is, I think, the best way of preventing or avoiding it. Honesty does this and brings whole right being.

    As to school I have been behind from the lack of focus. Part of this comes from my procrastination but a lot come from my mind being elsewhere when I need it to be focused. I tend to leave things to the night before and, in past, this has not been a problem. I would stay up late and do them. With Kara being in my life I would much rather be talking to her. This wouldn't be a problem if I kept on top of my assignments like I was doing; doing them during the day. Instead I would rather not take away talking to Kara and her to I as I see it as punishing her for my mistakes (arrogant? a little) And I do not want this to impact or hindered your thoughts Kara… I need to do my work during the day. No if ands or buts about it.

    As to the future I know that Kara is the one I'm going to marry, God has been clear on that. But this doesn't stop that devil from wriggling his way into my thoughts. At times I question things as I suppose is normal even though I know that Kara and I are too be wed one day. I don't know how or why these thoughts creep in, but it is past weaknesses perhaps that allow it. This revolves back to my perpetual stumbling block again.

    It comes and goes stronger at times than others but the choice is there… like choosing God each day. Something I just realized is that it is only the days that I don't verbally choose God that it has happened. With this also, is the choice of doing it; something odd perhaps is that something 'clicks' in me and I've made up my mind and nothing seems to snap me out of it… this only personifies the idea of choice even more.

    Well this has been a longish one and I just got from a break and cleaning and perhaps clearing my head a little and will leave you here today…

A choosing Struggling Stranger

Zipfiss and the Precision Time Trio

Sorry it's been a few days but exams seem to monopolize ones time.

Tonight i actually had a shift in the RA office, a first this year and it went well. Mica, my former boss, dropped by and said he had been hearing good things and that i was doing a really good job this year on the RA team. It's nice to have encouragement from authority figures some time :). On this side of things, I'm still not sure if i want to try and be RS at the end of this year. I still haven't figured out intern stuff or summer stuff yet. Kara and our future is mingle in there somewhere... well not somewhere but everywhere but you know what I mean. There are a lot of decisions to be made and as i'm typing this i realize i need to go to God first... Thank you Blog for reminding me what to do by allowing me to work through things in my mind... (i'll be right back but you really wont notice anything as you have no concept of the my time withing this blog... in this sense anyway :P)  Well i'm back... i've done the dishes, i've prayed, i've read and my heart is still heavy for more reasons than simply the future...

Tonight i fell into the bain of my heart. That sin that has always gotten me, and still has its claws deeply embedded in the flesh of my soul. Why can i never be rid you Devil! Have i not power in the name of Christ? But who am i? Am i one of those who did miracles in your name yet never knew you or am i like the disciples sent out to minister to the people you love? Am i as proverbs 14:2 says... Am i Just one who despises you? And what of 14:5, 25? Am i all but a false deceitful witness? Why can i not be the truth i so desperately want to be and what of speaking words that mean nothing? Why is the one thing i apparently am good deceit. Why do i find it so easy to hide all i don't want seen, to hide those things i'm ashamed of, to hide those emotions of destruction within me, to hide beside acceptance of others. Why can i not accept the acceptance of the only one that truly matters. Why do i do the things i don't want to do and not do the things i want to do? Why is every step i take fail?

Why do i long for something i apparently cannot achieve? I wonder this in my head as i always turn back to sin yet i desire the heart of God. Why could these convictions not be removed? Because that would make my life easy and worthless, this is why the Lord of the Universe has written his Law on my heart. He loves me and because of this he wants the best for me and know what is best for me. There is no trial he will allow us to go through which we can not handle but relying on him. we just need to rely on him. So here i am i'm crying out for your love, your grace, your mercy, your LOVE... Why does God know us so well? Why has he Bless me So much! why do people say you never know what you've got till it's gone. Is this because they don't notice what it does for them because it's always done it? or is it because there is a void in heart, a lack of Care? I know of some blessing in my life and i am refusing to wait until they are gone to realize they are their. To my Family you are the most amazing people i know and i Love you so incredible much. You have been the most influencal people in my life. Dad i love you and i look up to you more than you know. Mum I love you so incredible much and see the strength i desire. Sis I love you and everything you are. To those who have taught me and grown me, i thank God for you and what i have learned from you and pray that one day i will be able to do the same for someone else. *** (i'll let you know what those are for in a little bit) I was going to write something here but it can wait just a little bit. You never know who reads these things and as hard as that is knowing who does can be harder. Kara now knows about you but i don't think she knows i'm posting again. All that to say is i want to be honest to fullest extend with You and that is harder when i know who is reading or could be but it makes this more than just a simple blog it makes it a journal, a safe place. The unique ability it has as not being safe and being safe is what honesty is all about. Trusting someone is letting people in, loving someone is giving them the power to break you. There is one person i really didn't speak of before of those who influence my life. And if i'm honest this is what i was going to write next and she is the one God is using to influence me and show me his love in the most powerful way. I refuse to not see what God has bless me with. Kara I LOVE YOU and i mean it with every fiber in my being. Those asteria earlier , those are the point i took a break from blogging and had a conversation with Kara (and if your reading this Kara with you)... Our God is an amazing God, he works in the craziest of ways. Kara if you are reading this look over what  i wrote before i talked to you. Is there one point that you did not reiterate to me or one point you said that is not there. Isn't it odd how you know something yet until someone else says it too you it is equal to what one of my Profs would say "bovine excrement". Kara God has placed you in my life as an amazing blessing and you make me smile without ceasing but i it is God who is allowing you to do this to me because you are his first and foremost. You are his daughter and i need to ask his permission first (sermon illustration for youth group on dating i think so :P :D) Today has been one of those weird and yet not weird days. Earlier i spent it writing out a few dreams i have to place in a scrap book Kara made about us for me... Ten years and we will look at them. This was an amazing time i spent with God and in a sense with you. And the future that God has set before us the race we are suppose to run has become a little bit clearer :).

I was extremely down after talking to God first and i was wondering why it wasn't one of those times that God makes you joyful. Nonetheless i came to a conclusion if you will and i sent Kara a text. It was about my struggle in a sense but more so a pre-emptive strike about how it might make her feel... God told her to Call and pray for me... She obeyed... And you know what, i learned a lot in this conversation. More than words can describe and more than words conveyed. God Gave me one of those moments and said it is my time.

I think i will leave you here today as it is now 8:30 in the morning and i have not slept at all. But today though through the weary battle i fight, God gives me respite. More than this God gives me hope for the battle is already one as it it is the lords battle and not my own. It's funny, i thought this post was going to be more depressing and question, hence the part that almost sounds like a suicide note to those i'm leaving (sorry if i gave that impression, was never the intention)  but God has turned it into a note of encouragement. I have seen Gods Love. I have felt his Grace. I know God and that is the most amazing thing in the world (sorry Kara but you know this to be true :))

This is my struggle. This is my Story. This is the path i have chosen to walk down. And this is my testimony of How Good God is.

A Timed Struggling Stranger

The Pathetic Path - Past Not Forgotten

Again it has been a long while since last I saw you, and there are numerous reasons for that I suppose but my mind has slipped back into the thinking of this blog. Finding Who I am; cognitively and systematically detailing the events in my mind to sort through and logically place who i am. In a sense this Blog acts as a journal and as of now its taking a turn from the depressed and down hearted writings of a person disconnected from God to the story of self discovery in the sense of exactly who i am and what my specific purpose is. I suppose this doesn't change exactly what is written as pertaining to whoever reads this as it is not written to be found. This is written to help me understand who i am, what my strengths are and what i'm doing in this world. This is the story, the path of me becoming who i am. I have not changed the name, nor my name in all of this because i will not forget my past because it helps me discover who i am and who i want to be. This is the Struggle of Stranger still as i invite you to journey with me. I write for myself this time, to learn, but i hope that whoever reads would find something to glean from the sometimes frantic, scatter-brained and generally psychotic writings of a Someone Searching. But enough of trying to put words to my purpose in all of this as i have found it extremely difficult and as such feel like it has not flown like anything i normally write.

A lot has happened since last i recorded the outcomes of my days. Where to begin is the question. Well i suppose the best way to decide that is to talk about what is most on my mind, in a good way. Kara. All i can say to this is the Lord works in funny ways but amazing ways. I never thought i would have been someone date a girl twice and in a sense i'm not but in the truest notion of it all i am. Kara and I are together. But more than just together. We know each other. I truly can and do tell her everything. I have told her about this blog and she has read the entire thing. We have worked through some of the hardest things since we have been together and i have come to terms with many of my 'demons' if you will. But i'm sure your wondering how in the heck? Well i suppose i should fill you in. When last i wrote the feelings and emotions coursing through the smallest parts of my brain revolved around Mira, Camp, and Kara. I was emotionally distraught. Camp further drained me physically and spiritually i was not being fed. The culmination of this breaks down later and i'll get into that but in the midst of the interlude to that me and Kara found ourselves together. It's hard to explain just how this happened. We drifted into each other as when together we simply seemed not able to control ourselves. Regardless one needs to know that we were together and things were not right with God in any sense. This built to the 'divide' as i'm going to call it. Me and Kara were both just drained and she came into my cabin and we were talking. This is a big no no as we were alone and girls just aren't suppose to be in guys cabins. Well we got in trouble. This trouble was in the sense of one or both of us were going to being sent home. This may seem harsh to some but as leaders, and both Kara and I are leaders, are to be above r reproach and simple as that we were not. But this lead to perhaps the single greatest worst and best week of my life. Instead of sending either of us home we were in isolation. For a week we did not do any of our duties. It was up to us for how we were to spend this week. For me not being able to be with the kids, doing my job, tormented me and obliterated me. This, however is not the single most import than aspect of this solitude. It snapped me out of the state i was in. It was a wake up call. I had been relying on my own strength, i had been doing what i wanted, i had been extremely selfish. I wanted the glory that God, and God alone, is worthy of. I wanted to do things by my own strength and God through this showed me that my strength was feeble and fails. I spent that week fasting, praying, reading. Something i had not done in a long time. And it was not some great relief when i did. It got harder and depressing. It shook me to down to the very core of who i am. It utterly brought me to rock bottom.

a shadow cast on the floor
reflects nothing in light
but the emptiness in its void
reveals the darkness it hides

the silhouette of a man who stands at the door
all around him is light, defining the core

consumption by one the, destruction the rest
Here he stands to decide whats best

To enter is more than revealing his face
for to one is shadows the other is grace

Darkness hides and light reveals
a fate in which forever seals

The Door but opens only on way
and only fear causes him to stay

Consumption by one, destruction the rest
Here he stands to decide whats best

I no longer had the delusions of several options. There was choice to be made and there is no sitting on the fence. This torture i went to stripped me of all i had imagined, created, masked. It showed me who i really am. I am a man who at his very core seeks God, loves God, wants God's will to be done. It stripped away all other things and showed me my priorities and how out of place they were. God has always been on the list but i had lost sight of him being at the top.
This stemmed out of part because of everything with Mira but it delves much deeper into a slow decay of deceit, death, and dismay. I can blame this mis-prioritization on Mira but that would simply be another self lie i would be feeding myself. Mira was the outcome of a slow and long process of falling away from God. All of this, in my simplified human feeble words, is what hit me in an instance nearer the end of that week of hell. The outworking of this however was something so much more. I found out who at the core i was, and i found out who at the core i wanted and need. I realized what truly sets my heart in wonder, what i am attracted to because it is something i admire and long for. It is not something easy to describe other than 'you' but decrepit words do try in a longing for God. A heart for and of God. At the root of it all is God . That week brought me back to the true me; God centered. Contradictory my message is you say *yes i imagined that in a yoda voice* Yes i know who i am at the very core but this blog is now serving to help me discern who i am within that Capacity. That week marks an A.D. B.C. split. in My life and my relationship with Kara. I had my eyes opened in different ways. I saw who i was truly and i saw what i wanted, and all that i wanted was in Kara. My eyes were on God and i saw, i see, God in her. Never have i know attraction like this. Never have i been drawn to someone so much. Never have i let someone in like this, nor will i ever again. I got a text today from Jared. It simple said "hey man i hear you guys are the real deal this time. I'm happy for you shes a great girl". This embodies the change. I replied saying how i had told him things were different. The thing that is different, the attraction of this all is not something as simple as i like Kara over someone. I am attracted to everything about her because i know what i want, and God knows what i need and both of these focus, center, pinpoint align in Kara. I am attracted to her more than i ever thought was possible. I knew not something like this existed. I am attracted to her physical, perhaps one of the first things a guy notices, i'm attracted to her emotionally, she makes me smile and i make her smile and so much more, but the most important thing i learned is i'm attracted to her spiritually. She is centered on God, she has a faith so strong, she is who God has chosen for me. So many thing s in our story i cannot explain as simple coincidence and chance. God has moved in our lives and day after day i am growing closure to him, and more in love with her. Every little detail i analyze i see Gods hand in and how much i'm attracted to her. Some would say that once you have her the chase of the game is over. I've found that its not over, it changes. You chase after her loving you more and you loving her more. You chase after every little thing that makes her smile, even the tiniest bit broader or longer, you chase after knowing her even the tiniest bit better just to please her that smallest amount more. That week i got right with God. That does not mean its been clean easy sailing *i like the cut of your Jib, :)* Me and Kara had to work through a lot of crap, and still do. We may not get in the typical fights or arguments that couples do but it is not easy. Those fights may come or they may not but we still have a ton of difficulties we work through but instead of working through them yelling we work through them our own way. I'm not going to try and fill you in on all that has transpired in this way but i will continue to let you in when things arise. This ends what i tell you to catch up. Though it is incomplete and very brief i hope it portrays in all color the change that has indeed transpired within me and how it has effected everything in my life.

I write today, Sunday, the week of my midterm exams and the most pressing thing still on my mind is my Career Youth Leadership Class. It has weighed on my spirit and what has brought me down the path of self awareness; rather the need there of. In this class the idea of leading from your strengths is the ideal. But i have no idea what my strengths are. I see most of what i do as skills i have learned. Nothing it seems comes naturally to me. And this is thus the purpose of this rather self center thing know as a blog. I have always seen a blog in the purpose of it benefiting the readers. I know see it as something different. I see that it can benefit the readers but more so the writer. It is he who can freely express his thoughts and if any comments arise i see it as more input data to help him sort through the things of this life. So with this i say i am writing and hope you get something out of it it but this truly is not something to have my words be heard is is to hear the words i have said myself.

Enough of all of this explaining.

Today i woke up and simple have done nothing else today. I have written this and eaten. The thoughts that really have driven my thinking are of Mark and his GF, Mary. They had a fight last night and it is not the fight that so much put concern in my mind it is what mark resolved the reason for the fight to begin with. He was wondering and wanted to ask Mary the reason for their relationship. He was wondering if there was any actual substance to their relationship. This concerns me but does not terrible surprise me. Though Mark has not dated in awhile i definitely see were this could be an empty, void relationship prying on or thriving on loneliness. I have seen that from the beginning or could see that from the beginning. Te other side of this is in the form of something mark observed and longed for. He saw me and our other roommate Scott, praying with our girlfriends. It challenged him and he wanted that with Mary and as far as i know they did. If he saw nothing in it he would not have done this. This is my reasoning anyways.

Something that has been on my mind is my strengths and what the heck they are. Kara sees me differently than i see myself. She sees something in me or about me and it's truly driving me nuts because she won't tell me. :) I know she should not because it is something i need to figure out for myself. So here is my attempt at trying to figure it out. I'm decent at music i can pick something up and playing it with limited pre-knowledge. What i mean is i can figure out sounds it makes and put them together to sound like something but this is something i have learned from piano. This is a skill not strength. In the sense of speaking i am decent but it does not come naturally. Writing i leave to you whether or not it is even decent, but it is not strength. I am good at most things i try my hand at but nothing jumps out. There is not one thing that truly comes naturally too me that i excel at. As situations arise i will try to identify things within in them but i fear i will only help in discerning my weaknesses not my strengths. Well this has been one long and rather boring post so i will leave it here.

Till the next time

An Inward Looking Struggling Stranger

Camp…. The beginnings of more crap than a camp without toilets…

It has been a long time since I published on here but I feel it is now something I can do. I was writing out of the wrong reason and perhaps I am again but it is something to do while still out at camp and it will serve as a record of all that is in my life as I grow and mature and become the man I will eventually be. I've found I've become fond of lists, perhaps it is my type-A coming out or something but it's one way to start this thing… Three or four major areas going on in my life right now, Camp, Kara, Mira, and growth. All of these become intertwined but I will do my best to bring you all back up to speed. Well let us start with where I am. I am at camp and will be for the next 3 months and a week. We have limited internet but I should be able to post once a day or so, at least until actual camp starts with all the campers running around. Yes this is the same camp where I met Kara, and yes she will be here again and involved more heavily in my life than before… but I'll get to that. First let us go back….*dream sequence begins* lol thought I'd throw that in there. This last year, last semester, last term, last month has been a very interesting one… I may have failed three courses, for sure have failed one and that is only school. Physically i felt horrible, spiritually I was dead, and emotionally I was ripped apart. I was sick, possibly from a weekend immune system or H1N1 or even something from the old building I was living in. This only further drained me as I was getting nothing spiritually, I wasn't praying, reading and almost even caring about my faith, my walk with Christ, all that I truly am and how I define my life. This only worked as a catalyst for the situations I was in. I've been absolutely torn apart this last while and it all comes down to Mira. Mira embodies the all that I want in a woman… Well perhaps not all but is by far the closest person I have met to the woman I actually want to marry… the only reason as to why she is not the one is she is not a Christian. She cannot support me in all that believe live and am. The worst part in all this is we could make it work, Easily. We suit each other in almost everything. The way she receives love I give and they way I receive love she gives thinking of the five love language. But that is only the beginning of it… The small quirks about her and simply who she is, just sets me in wonder. She brilliant and this is something that I have longed for and I would dare say she is smarter than me. How do I know? We argue, not yelling and fighting, but debates and viewpoints. She calls me out on things were I'm not saying everything and when I just don't say anything… No other person I have had a relationship with, potential partner, has done this and more importantly won. I do not always win the arguments… This is partly because I simply don't care about some of the subjects enough but that does not dampen the fact that she wins them because most of the time I can BS and win an argument even when I know I'm wrong. She says she loves me and she has called me out on not loving her as much as she loves me and this is the scary part… Yes we could make it work, yes I would be happy but there would always be this nagging at the back of my mind, not fully fulfilled life as I see it because of my faith… I know God has a plan for my life and I know that does not include someone who doesn't share my faith… Have I wondered if she would become one, yes, has she yes. Has she thought about faking it, yes, would it work no… and I wouldn't want that… I'd rather marry her and know she wasn't a Christian than have her fake it. But that is not the issue, I trust God above all else, he is first in my life. This is where I have grown this is what this entire struggle has brought to the forefront of my mind and solidified my stance. God has a plan, I trust God, God would not equip me for my purpose in him, AKA Mira is not the one. The questions this raises are numerous and in depth. Why would God intertwine our paths and give us something so good if nothing is to become of it, if nothing can become of it. Why would God toy with the emotions of two people, one which is still finding himself. The part that stings most about all of this, however, is how I have hurt yet another Woman. Yet another woman has said she would marry me and I have ripped out her heart and hurt her beyond repair… But the real stab to my heart is how I may have hurt her chance with a relationship with God. She is the one who has asked those questions; who has questioned God, who has seen how it has destroyed yet another life. I have potentially ruined her chance at becoming a Christian. I tried to show her God's love, but instead showed her mine and utterly ripped her heart to jagged shreds. But enough about this in this context; It's time I fill you in on camp. It's been about a month and things have gotten interesting. We had to get the camp all ready, de-winterized but Jared, the camp director, decided we were going to redo the main bathrooms. This is a 40 year old or so building that was added onto, but we aren't touching the newer part… I could rant and rave about all the issues we have encountered so far, yes it's taken us over a month so far, but I feel it is not entirely necessary. Just know that these bathrooms have sucked the life out of me. This is not only due to the long nights and frustration but, more so, the frustration of all others… It would appear I am the golden child… I Screw things up a lot less than the others and I'm a hard worker… I'm not trying to boast, it's just the way things work out. On top of that add the fact that I know generally what I am doing in a lot of things or I can figure it out. This has all combined to me doing more things, being in leadership and ultimately being trusted. Jared sent me an email that was explaining all this. The main goal of the email, however, was to explain that because he doesn't trust many people and that I have gained his trust he lets his frustration out on those he trusts. He didn't want to discourage me when he did this. Though this is amazingly uplifting and, I think, rather cool, he also complains to me about the others not working very quickly how not using their brains etc… and that is what is wearing. I feel like they will start to dislike me because of all of this. And I feel they do the best they can and I have just shown them up… I almost feel responsible for their getting in trouble. And yes I know this is very arrogant and such but I cannot help feeling this way… Therefore this is the state of my mind, I am growing closer to God from figuring out and working through all that is my relationship with Mira thought the pangs of her agony pang me and Camp is hard tough work which I am up for yet emotionally I am still recovering and perhaps unstable… Then add to this Kara being back at camp and how I long for physical touch and she is there and easy to gain this with.. Emotionally in this situation, I know she is not for me. She is a great Girl, amazing even, but not for me. The hard part is emotionally I really am unstable and fall into things with her because of our chemistry. But she wants to more than friends still and this does not help my resolve. Another thing to consider with this as well is the fact that she is feeling alone because her grandmother, who was with her living in her house, died. She is emotionally looking for someone and that falls on me… The stick in this is she is my friend, good friend, and I want to help her yet that ends with something more. It always falls into something, I cannot control myself because I long physically even though I have made a concrete decision in my mind, and she is emotionally unstable and perhaps not thinking straight either. Needless to say, our chemistry works with each other and our emotions are by no means in and stable state so we 'connect'. But I know this cannot continue. I seems as I'm leading her on, and in some ways I am. I try not to but honestly I lose control of my logical senses and fail. This is the stat of my mind. The good thing about camp, as my mother pointed out, is that I am doing, for lack of a better phrase, 'mindless work' which allows me to think. I am able to work through my life thinking about everything drawing conclusions and just solidify the uneasiness know as the sea of my mind. I feel this has brought you more up to speed with where I am. I am closure to maturity than I was before in some areas but I leave it to you to judge if all this is juvenile and childish. Until I write again.

 

A changing Struggling Stranger

A Leaf Among The Grass

Sorry for not posting last night; we had a guest and he slept on the couch. AKA instead of put him out by working on homework and then writing I decided to pack it in early. This also cause me to not sleep, or very little, last night and get up at 5 to finish my homework. It's been a long day yet the only time felt tired was in my 6-9 class…(which I skipped the second half) Anyways Class this morning was a riot… What happens when you take a bunch of youth majors and stick them in a class explaining and going through puberty and growth?.... the EXACT same thing as a bunch of junior highs…. SAD but true… it was fun :P My RA meeting was good we gave the gals cards and roses. At the end of the meeting we prayed and I actually spoke out; not long, not eloquently, but I did. Well that brings me to my night…. I've spent the last couple hours writing calligraphy and setting up a table… What for? A surprise 'catered' meal for some girls. Tomorrow I will grab the bread salad and flowers and we will be all set. Should be fun, I'll let you know how It goes.

    Yesterday was Valentines…. There's a lot I could say, stories I could go into… To Kara: I cannot be the man you want me to be; I'm not the perfect person, not even just for you. I know what to do yet dread the thought of it… How do I talk to you when every word I speak I fear will hurt you more or my lack of words do the same. I am stuck in the middle a great turmoil that ultimately ends in pain. How do I simply say we are only friends when it's so easy not to be. Your disappointed in my, so am I. But where you are disappointed with my lack of action I am disappointed with the action I've taken and my lack action in the opposite of what you think. I've prolonged things for dread of hurting you, and I know that musty sound like a load of horse…. But it's true. You know me, you know how others feeling effect me, how I live through others happiness… What am I trying to say? I'm sorry. My stayed hand or voice has hurt you more than a swift tongue ever could.

    I could ramble on but as much as my heart and mind are in turmoil (over Kara but over something else as well) I will leave it here as I think I have lost heart or faith in this blog, perhaps it has run its course, perhaps this is the end of yet another one of my faces; masks; personas; persons.

 

A Pathetic Struggling Stranger

Tonight was fun. After soccer for a couple of hours we headed back to my room for poker! I wasn't not in it today; perhaps because I was talking on FB with people during the first or other things on my mind… in any case tonight was not my night. I do not have much to say today. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, tonight I wrote a poem. I'll share it as no one reads this anyway and do not have to face criticism. (If there actually is someone out there reading this please do criticize it, really, I'd appreciate it)

The last leaf to fall from mighty oak

So late, it does seem a cruel joke

For it does not fall when things die

Nor beneath white flake hide

It falls when things take flight

When passions flames alight

With trees new bud progress

The green grass it does caress

There on the ground it is alone

It's match, unknown

Well this is my simple post tonight. I will leave it here and leave you to your own conclusions about the poem.

 

A Leaf A Struggling Stranger

N-Core-Age

How to describe today I cannot count the ways… Today I slept in, setup, worked, handed in, hiked, shot pool, ate, watched Olympics, watch movie, cleaned, plotted, planned, failed, succeeded, wrote, and thought. Busy, not really. It was a lazy morning even though I knew I needed to get that project for last semester done. Well after thinking it was Saturday and rushing for brunch I helped install the new TV the school got to replace the one that was stolen. But after this I got down to work, finished the assignment, after procrastinating and failing at the same time… , and handed it in. Well after this I went for a hike with Ally. Surprisingly it wasn't too bad, nothing came up. We talked; found out why each of us was at summit and why we were in the programs we are in. It wasn't a long hick, about a half hour, but we finished with finally proving I can get out of her head lock. Then shot pool for awhile. This was originally and suppose to be just me and Reba having some family time, but Ally and some of her friends broke it up and we all played. Then I went out to an excellent restaurant with Mark called Eko's; SOOOO GOOOD! We came home and found the Olympics streaming online and put it on the projector. I would say the opening ceremonies were good, could have been better, but where good. (pity about the Olympic flame caldron malfunction, at least it worked still) after this we watched accepted, good movie! Then I began to clean; tidy the room and did the dishes. After all this I started talking on FB and planning something for the gals for V day. I really hope it comes through because that would be sweet. I want to get a good sleep tonight though so I will tell you about yesterday quickly; filling in something I missed.

    Yesterday I took some leadership in my RA role. There was a scuffle in a sense; definitely a conflict. At first it all seemed a fun loving joke but one of the partakers didn't take it that way. I went and just talk with him. I listened, offered personal experience and he was open to me and calmed down quickly. We talked for a good while, he expressed what he was going through and why things where the way they were and with the people they were with. (and I can completely see why this was) he thanked me afterwards and I said that's what I'm here for. But to truly see how this affected me is on a completely different level. Like this friend, often I wasn't taken seriously because they don't see what I do. Aka RA in the Married Residence. Well it showed me that I can be useful and helpful to the community and that there is a reason I'm RA. Well it was a real encouragement and I just thank God for the opportunity and pray it was him speaking and not me. I want to encourage you tonight. Where ever you are, where ever you're at, God can Use you. You may not feel like it, you may be worn down by what others think and say, but you are where you are for a reason a purpose. I encourage you to ask God to stretch you, use you, and really just be closure to him.

    If you wonder at the title, I just made it up. However, this could go with it. N like an N in the BC drivers system you are learning and developing, you're in a waiting period. From there you move to the Core. This means that you know what you know and why you know it. You have the core set aside and on what is right. Age is added only when the first two are established. Age means you build on what has developed; you focus and train the skills God has given you. But mainly it means Encourage. Be encourage in all you do because with God all things are possible; nothing is outside his bounds.

 

An Encouraged Struggling Stranger

I didn't post the other two this morning so tonight you get all three. Today was a slack one in a sense and stressful in others. I slept in through class. I planned to do homework today but I'll get to that. Yesterday I had to talk to our financial adviser here at the school because the school had yet to receive my student loan. Well this was the beginning, the origin, the onslaught of a tremendous ball of pain in the back of my neck that ruined my nice day. My student loan oh where to begin. I was suppose to phone them in the morning and I was about to do so when I get a phone call from my parents. They have a letter from nation student loan something or other. They required two sets of id before they can release the funds. Well not only did they forget to include the 'included' envelope that's prepaid and addressed but they sent it so I only have until tomorrow to get the proper information to them. What do I do? Well I talk to Roger (finance guy at school) and he photo copies the id and gives me the address for the place so that is all taken care of. The letter to my (at my parents place) said to go online and sign up for the online services. Easy enough, log on sign up log in, simple. Wrong. They require a loan number present on any letters sent by the place. Well just so happens that my letter does not include such a number. I look up the help phone number and call it. This begins the automated teller adventure. I have no want to explain all that happens in this because I'm sure you've all been through that gambit before but I will say it took me forever to find out any information and longer to finally reach a human being. Well I talk to the lady, she was really nice, and she got me my number, helped me change my phone number, and gave me some advice. She set up a pin so I could check the status of my loan by phone and she advised me to fax everything instead of mail. So back to Roger I go. Get that all shipped out and it is over. This was the extreme cut down, no emotions, explanation. I cannot begin to describe my frustration and near anger in this entire situation.

    Homework. I have that assignment due from last semester tomorrow and I have the interview part done but not the reflection and such. The only reason for this is I do not have the course outline with what needs to be on it. Funny enough, my personality test says I want to have all the facts before proceeding, their right. I stopped doing the work; until tomorrow when I can talk to others in the class I won't write the rest of it. I'm tired but have more to say, if I remember what I want to say I'll fill you in tomorrow. Night.

An Aggravated Struggling Stranger

No Energizer Bunny here…

Ok so to explain what's going on/ went on with my computer last night and today. Last night I'm writing my blog post and the warning comes up saying I should switch my battery or plug in. I do so as I will need it for class the next morning. I continue writing the blog post and the laptop turns off. I mean completely off, she was dead. I double check the chord make sure it's plugged in right just in case it's come loose or I didn't put it in right. It is fine so I check the plug and the box on the cable, both good but I notice the blue light on the box of the cable isn't on. I think it might be the outlet so I remove the cord and try another; nothing. The cord is completely dead; there is no power getting to the computer. Ned is in bed and it's late; I didn't have the patience, willpower, or the processing speed to deal with it right now, so I just go to bed. In the morning I mention it to Ned and while I'm in the shower he tries it and it works. It works as if there is nothing wrong nor ever was anything wrong with it. So I charge it for as long as I can then head to class with the cord. Get to class and plug it in… nothing… no light, no power. Luckily I didn't need to take notes today. Once out of class I start diagnostics if you will. I look up online if there is any recalls or issues or anything of the like; nothing. I try the chord and it is still dead. I smack it around a little, nothing. So I decide to be patient thinking, Ned tried it after it sat for a while… So after awhile I try it. It works. Unfortunately I have another class so I can't just let it sit and charge. I take it and the chord to try again in class. It works!! Sometime during this process I thought maybe it's if I plug it into the wall first it doesn't work… tested it in class and fail. But it was working fine so I didn't argue with it. It was able to charge to full capacity and I have needed to charge it since as of yet so I haven't tried it again… We'll see what happens.

    At dinner today there was an interesting story going around. Apparently the English teacher pretty much said only real men quote Shakespeare. Well this raised a mass debate that lingers well beyond the time and walls of that English class. As expected, Ned and I got in on this, more with each other than not. This being said a girl at the table disagreed with the English teacher. At this point, I don't remember why, but Ned was latched onto me. (Comes in later) I have a little, polite, argument and finish by quoting the balcony scene in Romeo and Juliet while looking straight into her eyes and with Ned on my arm. She got up and left because she was finished, but it was good timing because I pretty sure she had nothing to say to that.

    Chapel was good tonight. The superintendent spoke, and brought in some very touching stories about moral failure of credential holders and well it scared me. I have my struggles, a lot of them, and I really don't want to have my life be like these stories. It impacted me, but I was exhausted for some reason and just didn't dwell in God's presence. On a positive note, I took leadership and prayed for one of my good friends. Well ado but you won't see this tonight as the internet is down here so you'll probably get two post in the morning or three in the night.

A recharging Struggling stranger

Sketch…

(Reason for not posting earlier will be explained in next blog post but know for now it is due to technological issues….)

Another Beautiful day today! This week is suppose to be sunny and warm, can't wait. Well today was so nice that after class, and a movie with Ned, I decided to break out the ol' sketch book and go find something to draw. Well this led to some interesting tales and situations but I'll get to that later now that I've capture your interest. Muahaha…

History on the sketch pad: Well here comes another skeleton out from the closet. The pad was a gift; a gift for my 18th birthday party; a gift from my girlfriend (at the time). It is not from one you know and you wonder why I have never mentioned her? Well this is one who was a rebound; to me now, a non serious relationship. Jess was a rebound from Kat. She is a wonderful person but not for me. There are things I wish I could take back, I'm sure she would too. The worst was how the relationship started, I suppose for one, but not by far the last. Well in any case I think that is a story for another time as I am not in the mood to share. (Not sure why, kinda feel like I just want to get in bed, but my mind also wanders to thoughts of simply wanting to 'forget') One of the things that brought on some of the situations, were four inscriptions she had included. The first was on the underside of the cover. It was signed "praying and thinking of you always" but in addition to this it gives a brief reason for why she gave it to me. I drew a picture at convention, the same convention that we became official at. It was a nice sketch of a tree reaching out over a cliff. There was an upside down old boat beside rocks and a heart or two weaved into the tree. The 2^nd inscription is chorus from amazing grace my chains are gone. The 3^rd is a verse and a picture. The picture is of a tree and a path; on one side there is the moon and snow or rain, on the right is the sun and birds with a kite stuck in the tree; and of course there is a heart on the trunk. What's the verse? Well 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, I'll let you look it up. The Last inscription is also a verse; Psalm 150:6. "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord" Now to the situations.

While drawing the picture itself, numerous people walked by. People saw me from a distance and wondered why I was sitting where I was. I was sitting in front of the library. Naturally people passed by me, some stopped to talk for a bit and look at what I was doing others glanced and continue on their way. Some complimented me on my sketch, which sent my ego flying, and I stayed almost because of this in a sense. Interestingly enough our librarian stopped and looked and mention poetry. I said I write too and that's why I have a notepad with me case I get inspired. Well he continued and quoted one of his and it was quite good. Funny what you find out about people when you aren't expecting or looking for it. Anyways back to sketch. What was going by through my head the entire time I'm out doing this? I hope girls see me, specific girls. The one I wanted to see never did however. Even still any girls seeing me I welcomed and hoped for. Again why? (yes I seem to ask myself this question frequently I like it, I suppose I never grew out of the 'why' stage) The way I see things is the words of another women are like gold. When you show yourself to one as a good guy, sensitive and the like, the word spreads and may gain intrigue from others. In this I was successful; many girls saw me, some saw the drawing. It is sad though, to see myself like this. Even when I'm trying to avoid these thoughts my mind is plagued with them. It is too much a part of who I've become. Become or am? That's a thought I struggle with as well. On to the next 'experience' I suppose.

After sitting outside for quite awhile with my arse getting sore, fingers getting cold and some 'interest', I decided to pack it in. Instead of going to my room, instead of stowing my sketch and instead of doing the right thing, I head straight up to dinner. Why did I bring it with me, especially since my room is closure than the other building? You can guess, I could not pass up the opportunity to increase my 'points' with the gals. So I'm early, I've still got a half an hour to kill. I decide to go down to the caf anyway and see who's there. Reba's there with a few others doing work so I go and sit down. She notices the pad and asks if she can look at it. She sees the drawing and likes it but, and here is where things get interesting, she notices one of the inscriptions. She then looks throughout the rest of it and finds another one, the drawing. This provokes her to ask questions of whom she is and what the 'relation' was. I tell her and somehow it comes up about Reba's cousin (her cousin like me back where I was and is good friends with jess, they even work together) All this is not too awkward; interesting but not awkward. Not until, that is, one of the others at the table is interested. They start asking about the cousin who liked me and/or still does…

After that incident it is time for food! I'm still early so I go and line up (when the food's not quite ready we line up) and I place the sketch book down on the counter. As a student we have to show our id at every meal to a card checker. Well guess who it is, Ally. We talk a little as were still waiting for the food to be put out. She then notices the sketch pad. She asks if it's mine and I nod and I flip through it showing here the picture. (I think subconsciously I didn't want her to see the inscriptions) what does this result in? She compliments me on how talented I am since not only do I draw I write poetry to. Now a little bit of back-story here. Remember a post or two back when I posted a poem. I wrote it, but that's not the interesting part. Ally had printed the poem off and pinned it up on her wall. Not terribly weird as she had said it spoke to what she was going through. (I believe her as she is not the only one to say they connected with it in a struggling spirit kinda of way, I mean I wrote it from my own so why wouldn't it) How does this relate, well, she caught me off guard. When she was done saying how talented I was, she said maybe when I'm done drawing it she can post it on her wall too. Luckily the food was ready so I didn't reply and got my food.

After all of this I went and played soccer. This was my day. (I had more written but when my computer died I lost it and can't remember it… I am sorry)

 

A Sketchy Struggling Stranger

Manly Movie Monday, and Moments Missed to Model the Message

Well as I said I would be back tonight. Well a lot has transpired since last I wrote and you read. Hard to comprehend but it has. Let's start at the beginning. This morning I meant to get up at 6 to do some homework then go to class. Well this did not work and I slept in. Later in the day I had a meeting. My excuse for not going to class was of a massive head ache. Well when I went for food and the meeting I found out what kind of actor I am as everyone believed me even asking if I had one before it came up. Numerous people ask if I wanted medication and one even told me not to go to my meeting that he would talk and vouch for me and drive me down to my room to sleep. Impressed with myself, yes; disappointed with myself, yes. There was no need to skip class like I did. I blame my every evolving or unveiling self as I slowly tear away masks of personas. This being one mask I have yet to still remove; the avoiding conflict and responsibility one. No one knows, save you now, about this. Does it plague my conscience? Every waking moment thus far. The only positive outcome is, I finally was able to go to manly movie Monday.

    Manly movie Monday, oh how I wish I did not have class. A bunch of us crazy guys went to the store to get food. Well at the store we asked to people to be in a quartet with us, were extremely loud and proved that my friend, Lance, really does shave every part of his body. How did we accomplish this? Simple. I called shotgun….. Ever heard of the shotgun challenge. Well if say I call shotgun and somebody calls challenge the first person to drop their pants and get to the car first gets shotgun… Yep it happened… and were pretty sure the one cute girl we asked to be in our quartet saw.. Fun… ABSOLE FREAKIN LOOOTLY!!! This alongside other jokes made for a hilarious night. Oh and I definitely found one of my new favorite web sites. It's name? unrelatedcaptions.com … I'll let you figure out what it is…

    Before all these shenanigans (believe me what I haven't told you definitely qualifies these as shenanigans) is of the self mutilation done earlier. Well while I was on FB a convo was started with Ally. Somehow the line great minds think alike got thrown in (by her) because we said posted something at the same time… Well I asked if that's why Ned and I can finish each other's sentences. Yes denied it saying we don't have great minds… Anyway, after this, I said "no, it's probably because were married." That was a conversation starter and well I explained me and him were roomies last year as well so were 'common law'. But directly after the married comment she post well I'm jealous…. Did I burst out laughing??? Nope… too shocked. Stood up backed away from the computer, covered my mouth and almost, almost, sank into the fetal position… She 'explained' in subsequent post but this coming from the person who pinned the poem Rock Bottom on here wall… Needless to say Ned and Mark had a good laugh over this one.

    Just before mark and I returned to the room from coffee, Kara called. Well since I was in the car (she asked) she only told me she watched the movie Definitely, Maybe and then we said goodbye. Explanation, remember that movie Ned bought and was the story, and future story, of my life. Well Kara had bought it, before I told her Ned and I watched, but never watched it. After our call the other night she 'had' to watch it because I hinted at a 'joke' and such between Ned and I. She loved it, cried at it and was satisfied with the ending. I'm not sure how to take this yet as she has not explained why or what she might assume I meant about it. I'll find out soon enough I suppose, still waiting for her blog post yet though. Enough about women; on to God.

    I read tonight, the only reason I'm posting. I read Luke 3. Well there was one part that spoke to me. Just before deciding to read and then write this, I was heavily tempted. God provides. Reading this struck my heart again. How? Luke 3:7-9

"Then he said to the multitudes that came out to be baptized, "Brood of Vipers! Who warned you of flee from the wrath to come? Therefore bear fruits worthy of repentance, and do not begin to say to yourselves, 'we have Abraham as our father.' For I say to you hear that God is able to raise up children of Abraham from these stones. And even now the ax is laid to the root of trees. Therefore every tree which does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire."

Even if we say we are Christian should we not live our lives as being forgiven? If we truly repentant then why does our life not reflex it? What struck me is that every tree not bearing good fruit will be cut down and cast into the fire. Who I am is slowly being transformed by God's hands in my life, yet still there should be fruits as I am redeemed and God can use me even now. Further from this, my question is if this is the way it should be why are the Christina schools the worst? Why does it seem more and more Christians are doing worse things than the non Christians? Why Am I ok with living like a am ; in sin. There are so many questions. Later in the verses to come it even tells what to do in different occupations. Be honest, don't grumble, if you have excess share with those who do not? Yet why do so few follow these? Why is it that the worst cases of fraud and theft are within the church? Why do you always hear a Christian complaining? And why do not more share their wealth and good fortune? This verse causes me to want to just get going with ministry. Get into the world and do something about. This verse turns me on my brothers and sisters as they should be following these. This angers me in a sense of how low the standard for being a Christian has fallen and easy it is to do nothing within the church. With such simple and few commands as these why have they fallen by the wayside? This attacked my very soul in that I was even considering falling into my temptation as I had early. I see how easy it is to push these aside for what we want, what we crave. This, however, is no excuse. As Christians we should set the examples, the very name should hold us to such a higher standard that it is unattainable as it even means little Christ. Yet in our world we are content to live and let live; to go with the flow; to not know what the left hand is doing or the right yet full well know it is wrong. Why do we pursue person gain in a career in ministry? Ministry is about reaching people for Christ with the gospel not money position or power. We should dwell less on where our career is taking us and more concerned where God is taking us. Well I think I've ranted enough for tonight. And though I could say more, I will leave you with this. "The crooked places shall be made straight And the rough ways smooth; And all flesh shall see the salvation of God!" Isaiah 40:4,5

Peace and Grace be Yours in Abundance

A Reading Struggling Stranger

Movies, Facebook, and a Cell make procrastination easy.

Well it was an interesting night last night…. Really. And as much as I wish to leave the feminine topic alone, I think and feel (Ned would get that) that this is impossible. Thus I struggle between relying on God and choosing otherwise. This being said, I've come to the realization that God is evident in my relationships. (not a new revelation, I was just reminded of this) So I think I will share the other night. First off though, the reason I didn't post anything last night is because of the circumstances and honesty. I did not read last not partially due to the situation but mostly due to my stupidity. I have four assignments due today; two weekly assignments and 2 essay precursors. (A rationale and a prospectus) Two of these are done. One I will do after writing this the other hopefully tomorrow. So as of last night I had no time for anything but homework. That didn't stop me…

Sunday was the super bowl. AKA almost all of the guys at college, and some of the girls, were hanging out in the lounge watching it. Me and a lot of the girls were not. Well this gives me an idea to go and watch a movie down in my room. I go on face book and ask anybody online if they're interested. Most say they have homework, no worries. It turns out to me and Phil watching a movie, AVP, until dinner. (Thus I succeeded at procrastinating, knowing I could do it after dinner) Well not only where a bunch of the girls talking about it at lunch (some complaining they didn't get invited) but they wanted to watch one after dinner. Well for some reason *cough* (Kas was with them…) I just had to say yes. So we all head down after awhile of indecision. We hang with a friend for a while and he gives us the movie Yes Man. A couple of us haven't seen it and Jim Carrey is seriously my alter ego so we decided to watch it. Well it was a nice night and it was done at 9 so I still had time to get everything done.

Before I get started I like to eliminate the temptation and distraction of face book by checking it and closing it. Well I creeped… today would have been 6 months… but she said I wouldn't remember so I texted her… well instead of texting back she called. By this point Ned had put on Step Up to watch so I walked out on him unfortunately to answer the phone. I won't go into detail but we started talking at ten and got off the phone at 1:45. She finally knows that I'm not dating anyone for year, but a lot more than that. We talked about everything, as per usual, but we had some more serious time in there as well. Well all I can say is, I hope today isn't that hard for you, I'll be praying.

I'll leave it here for now. I have more I'll say tonight; about life, me and the universe. Until then.

A Irresponsible Struggling Stranger

The infernal mind and to what it dwells

Well nothing terribly exciting today. Nothing outside the realm of Girls, I suppose, which is sad in and of itself. I ponder why my mind revolves so much on that topic. Sadly, I cannot find an answer. Well I will not linger on it longer at this moment, but I turn to the stress tomorrow will bring. I planned to do homework yesterday and today, but the days have been just so dang nice that I couldn't bring myself not to be outside. The other that kept me from my work was other work. I cleaned the apartment today, kitchen living room and bathroom. (The bedroom is a disaster but it is the domain of Ned, I leave it be as I am never really in there) Play soccer after lunch at an Indian place we went to for a friend's birthday. But other than these, my day has been slack. What is the cost though? Tomorrow my day will be hectic. After church I will have to seriously get down to work on my homework as I have at least four things due Monday.

On the Topic of God, nothing jumps out at me. But I will take a moment and reflect on the day passed to see more clearly the present ways in which he works…. In the area of temptation he has given me strength. I am winning the head games and I only can give credit to him because I've tried before and failed, miserably. I've also started to read through Luke and am through the second chapter. (Finished it right before writing this) Well tis all for now that my mind is capable of comprehending. But God moves in ways that we don't see; he could have saved me from something by making me late or likewise. I will give Him praise seen or unseen; heard or unheard, for I know He is in my heart and, regardless of the tangible, I feel Him.

 

A Growing Struggling Stranger

Well like I said I wouldn't post unless I read… So here I am and I started reading Luke. Funny, I kinda consider you, whoever that may include, my accountability partner as this will 'log' whether I read or not… interesting to think about. Well I said I was not going to ramble and rant, even scathe, about women, relationships and the lot; but life sometimes just smacks you in the face. But I'll get to that. First let's out line my day. Well I get to sleep in, YAYA!!, so I go to lunch for my first meal. It is a beautiful day out and if the ground wasn't so soggy I would have gone for a hike. Well I tried to do some homework today, read some books, but I couldn't do it; it was jst too nice out. I spent a lot of the day playing 21 with some friends on the outside court, soaking up some sun.

    An interesting part of my day involves a foosball table. How the heck can my day involve such a thing as this? Well it's not because the school has one, cause we don't, and it's not because it's getting or gotten one either. It goes like this; my next door neighbor comes into to my room and asks if I want a foosball table. I jump at the idea and ask how. Well turns out someone in the city I live in is giving one away on craigs list for free. The only catch is they need it gone soon. Well Ned was at work so no go for the soccer mom van. I spend the next several hours asking people and hunting people down seeing if I could get them to lend me or drive me to pick up this foosball table. The picking was slim due to vehicular requirements, but I finally did find someone. Well I had emailed the guy earlier asking for info and an address and I was waiting on this email. Well after all my running around and everything I'm STILL waiting on this email. Shows the irony in life and just that sense that certain parts if my life should be a movie….

Speaking of movie… nah, Youth first. I went to youth for the first time in a long time. I'll be going the next youth night to. It was really good to get out to it again. Not many where there but that's life. Regardless, God still worked in the moment. I got that feeling of being sooo small when I was praying again. Such an odd feeling. I wondered if it was because I was speaking what I was supposed to, or because I was trying to speak of my own and being so dry that there is nothing left to give out. Well either way I hope filling will occur sometime. Oh and my cell went off right as I was starting to pray to… Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor :P.

The phone call as it turns out was from Ned he. He wanted to see if I want to a watch a movie and b go get some snackies. Well I wasn't there but he went anyway. He got some stuff and yet another movie. Our chick flick's are now up to two. He buys Definitely Maybe. This affects me two ways. One, the title reminds me of an FM Static song that could ably to my life in a way. The second was only revealed after I watched it. I had seen it before, but never like this, I suppose. This movie well slapped me in the face in more than one way. I'll leave it here as if you want you can rent the movie and watch it. Just now that it left me without a piece of me, or with fear. Fear of… well if you watch it you can guess. If you ask I'll be honest :P not that anyone reads this anyway :P haha

 

A Fearstruck Struggling Stranger

A Solid Rock Bottom State Of Being

It's been a couple of days. There are reasons; more than one. Well as you might have guessed from my other post, this week has been very busy; hectically so. It is 'Spiritual Emphesis' week at school and this means we have chapel every day but Friday. This in conjunction with a boatload of homework, this semester and last (I'll explain in a bit), and a little God rocked persona, I have not spare time to share.

Alright homework first; last semester I had a course, crisis intervention, it was my elective. Well I completely gave up on this course by the end of the year not handing in a major assignment, not studying for the final (it was worth a lot because we did not have a midterm), and bombing, or at least thinking I bombed, the exam. In the end, this semester, I had pretty much written it off as failed and as wasted money and my own stupidity. It turns out that not only did I pass I passed with a 61 even without the major assignment and my terrible final. When I talked with my Prof (on my transcript it was marked as incomplete…) she'll let me hand in my assignment if I do it.. I can bring my mark up to a B possible by this… Well needless to say I want my GPA to stay at 3.6 so assignment here I come.

Besides the large amount of chapels, and when in the day they are, God's been doing something, further having no time. Directly related to this blog, I was also convicted that I'm writing it for the wrong reasons, and though I still hold those I'm begin to write them for new ones. Instead of secretly hoping someone who cares for me finds it, I want to keep a record, a testimony if you will. This is why I have come to the decision to continue. So instead of rambling on about girls and that never ending surf of refuse, I want to describe all that God is doing in me and maybe some funny roomy moments.

God's moving in my life again in a new way, in an old way, but in a powerful way. I've pressed in a little and this is what has happened. I've been a two faced Christian and person in general. I've begun shedding the 'shells' the personas I've held and spun. In this God has begun to completely break me. And when I say break I don't mean in cleanly. My soul has been depraved, starved and it is crying out. As I remove the masks of adolescence and begin to become who I truly am and will be I have been completely and utterly dry. Spiritually I have not been feeding myself, not praying not reading the bible. Well God's caused me to pray, not compelled, but I've needed to pray and have. In the morning I simply say a few words asking for protection, but I've also gone to every preservice prayer and just begun to speak and pray out loud again, not so others could hear but so I concentrate on God. Well this has led me more into worship, not singing that's not the only part of worship, but worship in everything. I've begun to pray for people again that is say I will pray for. Even now as I type this names and situations and events come to mind. I've come to expect things when I pray, God Listens. But this did and does not fill my spirit. Nothing it seems would allow me to pour out again because nothing was going back in. I found it hard to pray out loud even in Wednesday night's chapel. (Not the first time but by far the worst) Well it brought me to my knees. These last weeks had begun to listen to the words I was singing and actually meaning them. Knowingly saying them and speaking them. Well all the songs after this message had to do with me loving God and I couldn't sing them, literally. I physically could not say them. I did not love God… Well this just set me catatonic in thought. I just sat there staring at nothing. Well all this thought caused me to follow my logical track to wondering if anyone cares about me. I asked God to show me, bring me someone who cared. And you know what he did. But not in the way you might think. I sat there for hours thinking this, pleading for someone to actually care about me when God 'slapped me upside the head' and said "I Care and I Am Here". Well. What do I say to that? What can I say to that other than Cry and weep thinking what an idiot I am for not thinking of that. Here I am. Catatonic Crying with not many people left in the building and almost laughing at myself. Well I lingered there more, still waiting for someone to notice, to care and come over, but God kept telling me Go your done here for now. I finally gave in, still empty spiritually but with the knowledge that he loves me he cares.

Well the ending is not written yet. Not even in sight but I will fill you in as I continue, but know that if I do not write a post, not tell you all, it is because I have not read the living word yet. I have not filled myself, fed myself and thus I cannot pour out what I do not have.

 

A Crawling Struggling Stranger

P.S. Something I wrote today

Rock Bottom

A boulder, A solid Rock
It has no dirt, it has no soil
It is pure but has no worth

What is its purpose?
Why is it at this place?
What is it waiting for?

Is it waiting for a stone cutter?
Someone who sees its self strength
Someone who cuts it into a brick
Someone who places another brick in the wall

Or Perhaps an artisan?
Someone who sees its self beauty
Someone who elevates it as art
Someone who places it at the center of a garden

Or does it wait for a developer?
Someone who sees the value around it
Someone who breaks it's foundation
Someone who sweeps it aside to save it

No, it waits for the builder
Someone who sees it's worthlessness
Someone who transforms it and uses it
Someone not afraid to crush it 

The builder knowingly, carefully processes it
He adds His water
He adds His Iron
He gives it His shape

This is why it is in this place
This is its purpose
To be shaped
To be built upon

Short and Tired (what a combo)

Today was a busy day…. Wake up at 7 and shower shortly after. Eat breakfast then to class. Chapel after that. Then back to class. Then lunch. Then some homework (due later today). From here we move into meeting time. First my RA meeting which lasts an hour or more starting at 1. After this I had a meeting with my program director. Then I had a meeting with another teacher about a certain class. Then came some more food then I had class. After class I put myself through some self torture with Kara as we talked on the phone for an hour and half or so. Regardless, today was busy and I am pooped. The only thing I left to do tonight is perhaps wait until 'her' blog post is up and read it. Thus continuing myself mutilation. On a side note my meetings went well. And I will leave it here other to say this week is going to be stupid busy with homework and chapels. Well this is definitely my shortest post yet but my bed calls as my eyes sink lower and lower and deeper into their own sockets, shriveling away from the taxing service of rendering light and color unto my retina and transferring it to my brain. Thus as my bed beckons I will answer whole heartily awaiting nothing but the sweet sorrow of having to wake in the morn. Goodnight.

 

A Haggard Struggling Stranger

Patience truly is a virtue

How do I describe today? Fun, refreshing and new; or dreary, taxing and similar. How can one day be so contradicting? Perhaps it is due to my self-contradiction. (as evident from my last post…) Or perhaps it is due to the tearing down of these facades that cause such a middle or twilight state. In any event my day is met with mixed emotions that run rampant; not just for me but those around or involved. In any case I do not want to go down the same path as last night and it's post. Today is Sunday. On Sunday I usually go to church with Ned and not much else gets done. Today was different; it was refreshing and fun. Today I was able to go to the church I went to and did ministry at last year. What was so great about this isn't only the fact that I got to see everyone and play drums; no, most of all, I got to witness rebirth. Two of the girls from my former youth group got baptized. This is amazing and wonderful and emotions of the youth leaders (including myself) were flowing. The unfortunate thing that spoils all of this lies within my own mind. Though these actions and emotions should outweigh the ones that replace them, my mind slips down a slope, and off a cliff, into the world and distractions of a deep and dark inner turmoil. Before the events of church I discovered that yet another couple is on the marriage in summer track. Though I am extremely happy for them (even though at one point I liked the girl, but that is another story for another time) my mind wanders to my own state. Perhaps this confirms my reasoning's behind extricating relationships and their thought processes in my mind; but it still unnerves me. For one, they are my age and if anyone who knew before Bible College (bridal college) they would have said I would be the first one married, hands down. (Some thought even here at bridal college I would be pretty close to the top of the list, especially over some of those now awaiting marriage) Yet here I am, alone, by myself without even a shimmer of what I'm waiting for on the horizon. I mean sure there is Kas. But deep down I know she is not the one. Deep down I know I only like her because she first liked me and she fulfills my moral standards. (as far as I know) Yes she's beautiful (and can sing like an angel) yes she's smart; yes she has a passion for God, but she is not the one for me. God has not intertwined our paths. Our passions and dreams do not line up and God has not made us of one heart. What I mean by that I'm not too sure. I think when the right one comes, I'll know; truly know. Everything will line up. Our future, though hazy and murky, will look and be the same. She will be one that I can truly go on a rant about how amazing she is. I'm not saying she'll be perfect because she won't, but she will be perfect for me. God has a plan and this is why I have chosen to wait on him. I have chosen to give it into his hands and grow closure to him. Growing closure to him grows me closure to his will. His will entails who I will marry; the perfect One. QED Growing closure to God grows me closure to my One.

 

This is the main thing I wanted to say tonight I suppose. (I didn't really plan it but it happened and there are still other things I want you to know for probably selfish reasons) It wasn't the whole marriage thing that set me off, it helped and was a part but, yet again, it was the self mutilation in reading a certain blog. I do not know truly were to begin. Kara if you ever come across this blog I do remember and do wish I could go back to that night; but not for the reasons you may think. There is so much more to what went on at that camp, what was developing inside of me, and what it's outworking became. The back story is twisted and complex; I know not its full depth and wake. To you I am honestly sorry (look in my eyes and you will know how sorry I am). What scares me most is not how involved or even obsessed you are in your dreams and passions. It is the outworking of them and their support. What in actuality scares me is how our 'not so long ago us' as you put has encouraged you. I see why they have; and that is perhaps on me as a downfall. To them, to you even, I have only ever show one face. Like the moon you only ever see one side. I choose which side to disclose and I did not disclose what I thought was unnecessary. So yes they know me so well, but only of that which I chose to share. My life right now is tearing down this different faces and it has hurt people. It has hurt you probably the most, yet I think of one and more that have crumpled in its path of destruction. I am sorry. The final thing I will add, is I'm not who I was, nor will I be who I am at camp. My defenses will be more than simply up; they will be an impenetrable force that does not even show what it protects. The final thing I will say is that I do love you, but as a sister in Christ, as person on this earth, as a very dear friend.

 

A Patient Struggling Stranger

I am.

Why does one put one's self in harm's way? Why do I have this tendency for self mutilation? (As Ned would say) I have made a commitment to try not to think about women yet what do I find myself doing almost more? Why do I feel compelled to continue in things I know I shouldn't? Why do I drag things on instead of putting an end to them? Am I that self seeking? Do I put that much thought or pull on what people think about me. Am I that insecure that I need confirmation of self worth? What is wrong with me so much so that I need, am forced, compelled, obligated, constrained and bound to seek others approval? All of this is like a dozen freight trains racing through my head at speeds incalculable. Like my mind is a punching bag and I am the puncher. My mind reels and heaves at these thoughts. They are constrained in the sense of vocal action, yet they find their way beyond words. They are who I am; who I hide. They are the inner façade to an even greater turmoil. They are the raging waves and currents of the ocean now as the void. The void encompasses the ever increasing crevasses and hidden corners of me. When people look at that two letter word 'me' they think and ponder at what it truly means. They know not what it, in fact, is. If they did they would be open to a rage, a wrath, a frenzy. Their idea's and characterizations and labels all amount to wisps on the wind of who I truly am. And who am i? Am I the Man of God; the one with impeccable moral fiber and character. Am I the secret sinner that has infiltrated the deepest levels with the cleverest of disguises? Am I the frail teen seeking truth? Am I simply confused? I wonder these alongside the chaos and trials of every day. If I made the wrong choice? Yet still I know that I did not. That I am were I am supposed to be. The question dissolves to what end?

These are not the first encounter and reckoning of these thoughts and ideas, nay, these persistent and nagging queries. They are simple made worse from the outcome of their ravenous appetite. Even after a day such as this, the haunt my every thought. I am one searching for an answer? But the answer to what? I am a purpose without a cause; a fight without a reason. A am an adult in adolescence, a Man in a boy. I am unknown, not understood, Alone. Yet there is still the whisper in my ear, the whistle of the wind? No, a silent companion; one who knows all and does not tell. I am not alone. I feel alone, I am alone, but I will never be alone. I am a state of mind. I am an idea. I am a missing puzzle piece. I'm a statistic. I am unlabelable. I am unique. Yet how do I attempt to label myself unique and not labelable in a society where everything is and has a label. Like the Israelites who want to name God so they can 'own' him, how do I own myself if i do not truly know who I am and what my name is. Ywh the name that is unpronounceable or rather should not be pronounced is the label God gives himself. It means "I am who am". I am who am. I am who I am. I am not who I think I am. I am not who you think I am. I'm who I think you think I am. I am a servant in search of master that is already found. I am a voice seeking it's sound. I am lost in the middle of being found. I am a series of thoughts that lead to no end. I am a logical being in an illogical conundrum. I cannot label myself so I seek others to do it for me. I am a plate spinner. A spinner of dreams. A spinner of worlds, cities and people. I am a master spinner of personas; switching between them as I like, freely as a bird. But one false move and all the plates come crashing down. I am one removing the plates. Trying to discover the table they sit upon, they are build upon, their foundation. I am an onion with its many layers. I am a painted wood object trying to discover the grain. I am a door that's lost its key. I am a door that lock's is broken. I am key seeking it's lock. I am a lock seeking it's door. I am a door seeking it's frame. I am a light without any source. A source without any light. I am stuck in an elongated path, a pathetic path, that whinds from one state of mind to the next as a river seeks it's end. I am self destructive in survival. I am a product of modern thought and a thought of modern product. I thrive where I die and die where I thrive. My mind is a split personality an oxymoron. I am who I make myself to be; yet, I am who God made me. I am smart and I am dumb. Strong, but o so weak. I am blind where I should see and see where I am blind. I am a struggling stranger. The only fact that can be proven, and yet not proven, is that I am. My mind exists yet nothing else might. I am. I am here. I am questioning. I am thinking and pondering. I am brooding and, yet, preoccupied.

I am.

 

A Struggling Stranger who is.

Is abstinence really that hard?

I Know I want to abstain from even thinking about girls and relationships but today has been an amalgamation of just this. I'll start off with the least aggravating?

It's Friday, so I have no class, which means I'm sleeping in. Well I get up shower and plan on doing some homework. I have a few commitments today; I'm meeting up for a friend and going for coffee (James, I'll introduce him in a bit) and poker with the guys. (lenient for that one) Well I haven't text or called James yet so I get sucked into facebook and all it entails. Soon enough I'm talking to Ally. She's back home cause her brother's sick and their dog is really on its last legs. Well other than her bringing up the movie we never finished and the hike it was fine. But this I suppose is inclination that she wants to finish it, aka date. Well enough with her for know. (She had to go take care of the dog) onto the EX! Joy…

Kara started to talk to me (or I to her I do not remember) on FB chat right before Ally went offline. Well we talk for a little bit and she is having trouble with a computer assignment. She asks if she can call, I say sure, and she does. I help here with the assignment which was simple manipulation of MS Word. (Stuff you know if you mess around enough but may not pick up on) somewhere in here James (I'll introduce in a bit) phones. We had talked about going for coffee today and just confirmed the time. Kara calls back and we talk for a bit while she continues working on her assignment. She decides to call me back in a bit.

On a side not from all the Girl drama and relationships (in a way) James and I went for coffee. The reason is for accountability. We keep each other accountable. I won't disclose the details but he'd been struggling and I phoned him at the right moment (God thing for sure!) to allow him to be open with his fiancé. Well we had a good talk about more than just that and I tell him all that's going on and through my mind. (Where the relationship thing sneaks back into this day as indiscreetly and invasively as possible) Kara calls during this meeting and all I need to really mention is she sent something in the mail…

On with the day! Back at the facebook stage (forgot to mention this) I had started a conversation with Kas. She never did reply but I think it might be tied into something a little later on… For the next stage I need to introduce and explain my family. (Yes I'm finally going to tell you about what I promised previously) At school I have 'family'. What I mean by this is I have a sister, not a real sister, but someone I talk about a lot with and really interact with as if she was my sister. (coincidently her really little brother has the same name as me) Well the other day Reba (My sis…) and I went for some overdue family time. Sometime during the conversation Mandy comes up and also my 'commitment' not to date and think about relationships for a year. Well our 'fam' time comes to an end. We go our ways only to have her text me at dinner telling me we have to meet. As it turns out when she went to her room Mandy was there. With someone else in the room, Reba casually drops that I've committed to not dating in earshot of Mandy. The reason for our urgent meeting? She felt she may have broken our confidence… Bless her she is amazing. She didn't want Mandy to say something about my not datingness and have me find out that she dropped the line. Not only did I assure her that I trust her and her judgment I thanked her profusely for doing so. We joked about it and said, "Well hopefully she backs off" and "we will find out tomorrow". Well, not only do those words haunt me at this moment, but I definitely found out the effects. Mandy has latched herself to me, clung rather. After playing a game of pool she invites me to cheesecake and coffee later on with two other friends. Well I don't want to seem rude, more to the other friends, so I accepted. This isn't where the story ends however…

Later in the day, I get a text from Mark asking me if I want to hang out with him, Kas and her best friend. I say yes and so begins the turmoil of the century. They want to see a movie. Kas wants to see one thing, Mark another. In a playing, joking way they argue about it and anger flares etc. They finally decide (edge of darkness) but because of the argument and they way it was done (msn) we can no longer make the 7 20 showing and have to go for the 10 30. This is great as it allowed me to slip out of the thing with Mandy. (She was none too happy glaring and such…) Well to kill time we hit up Rocko's (awesome little retro diner with milkshakes) It's all fairly well (I mean I'm completely not myself and can't hold a decent conversation, I blame Kas… sad I know but there something about her that cause me to freeze up.) We go to the movie and sometime through the night someone else gets invited to meet us at the theatre. Well Kas saves a seat for him. This sets off my 'radar'. I'm pretty sure Kas likes him and all through the movie I was looking at the night and other things piecing things together. Well I come to the conclusion that Kas will most likely go back to school in his car. I was right.

My mind on that ride home was well, interesting; one might say ground breaking. I was angry, and I knew why. The person I liked was going off with someone else that I knew she liked. This seem like such a wrong emotion the express, especially because the chances I blew with her and, simply, because who I am. Things like this don't bother me. They don't affect me. There's just something with this girl, yet a part of me still doesn't think she's the one. I've mellowed out writing the rest of this, as what I was thinking I was going to write is completely different. (maybe even a little offensive, but definitely blunt)

Well I'll leave the sad tale of my relationship life here as I slowly realize truly how hard it will be to not think about of this. Especially when this is all my day revolves around. But this is the very reason I have chosen to take such a serendipitous action; to counteract this and grow closure to God. But as I type this, my mind reels to the option or thought that perhaps that's just who I am…

 

A Struggling Struggling Stranger