Adopted or Abandoned

    Tonight was my schools Christmas banquet. Like usual I end up helping, A LOT; it's just what I do. I don't mind not being recognized that i helped as was the case last year (which I was there more than the two actually planning it… but I'm not bitter…) no this does not get to me. The thing that gets to me is not having one person come and talk to me, not one person (other than those needing something for the banquet) realized I was there unless I brought myself into a conversation. Not one person said hi, not one person wanted a picture with me… I know who I am and am not looking for anything from this it just makes one doubt. One begins to think that nobody appreciates you other than what you do… Don't get me wrong I know I am loved but what of friends that are close by you, even acquaintances. Perhaps this stems from my own view and willingness to serve others and call everyone I know a friend. I honestly believe that I would do most anything for the people I know; there are not many I would hesitate if they really needed something. And it is not like this is an unproven thing. Most of those who know me could tell you this because of who I am. Yet despite all of this does anyone really want me around? Does anyone enjoy me for me instead of what I do? It makes me wonder…

    Tonight is one of thought brought around by many different things… I had an excellent meeting with my dean of students, Mathew and yet my mind is whirling in a different direction from the events of this banquet. Let me finish up my thoughts on the outcome of tonight. After the banquet all the freshmen are suppose to help clean up, and they do, then most people go out. This banquet is by far more about the after party than anything else. So do you suppose anyone invites me along? Do you suppose anyone notices the one who is actually helping tear down and will be again tomorrow and waits to see if he needs a ride anywhere, no. This is only the ramblings of one person, but it is not a singular occurrence even within my life… this is the 4 or so time with such an occasion as a banquet. No one seems to miss me or even have me cross their mind in the slightest… Yes I'm being a little selfish but this is how I feel. Abandoned, left out, mistreated, unloved. I know this is not the case especially with the creator God who looks down on us but it is simply the lowest residue of a batter mind still recovering.

    My meeting With Mathew was not like any I had had before with him. We actually talked and he made me think… I had to look inward and actually think. This is most significant because it is what wanted from these mentoring meets and had never gotten but on another note what it made me think about was again that God knows all and we don't yet we still have a choice. A choice to choose him and give him total control and trust or not. The other thought is that one needs to choose to look at every situation he finds himself and realize that he can learn and perhaps is suppose to learn from it. This is true with my sis, she is and has been physically sick in a sense and I being the fixed wanted nothing more than to be there with her and helping her to fix her. I need to realize that thought this is something she is going through it also is something I am going through and need to learn from it.

    I have many more thoughts I could scribble but I long to talk with my love perhaps for the sole reason of her knocking some sense into this thick skull of mine. So for now I bid you adieu; I may or may not be back tonight depending on whether sense is knocked in or if I'm still thinking about things.

    An Abandoned Adopted Stranger

Depression of Choice

Oh choices how you vex me…. Today I had a presentation; did I ever tell you I hate not being fully prepared? I think one of the worst feelings is watching other people present with the thought of your own presentation looming over your head and not being completely confident in it. In part this is my fault as I didn't prepare my part as well as I should have but it also comes from not meeting up with group members before hand, not doing a group project as a group project… well this is my little rant but it draws it back to choices.

    We as a group chose the last minute. Though something's like a car breaking own play their role if we had schedule to go over things before the day before we could have rescheduled. Like most things lately I chose things over schoolwork because I did not want to face the work or anything else. The outcomes of these choices are I didn't get to talk with Kara yesterday and had a horrible sleep because of it (partly the pop I drank too perhaps) I missed out on something I love, on the one I love because of my choices. In a previous post said I would not ignore or not realize the gifts and blessings in my life. This is a recommitment, and like I have figured out is something that needs to be a daily committal. At the beginning of each day I need to verbal commit it to God, to see the things in my life and being me. If I don't do these I won't think about them throughout the day and they will (speaking from my on experience) will slip. This is something I have realized for me, it may or may not help you wherever you are at.

    Side note---- depression is a choice… another choice courtesy of my counseling foundations class were I almost definitely found out/was told I'm depressed… interesting eh?

    On a positive note I brought joy to peoples lives with news the other day… I let you all wonder what that was… as to my day today I miss Kara and long to talk to her. I have errands to run and will be getting off this stupid hill and away for a little bit which will be glorious and I have the RA/RS Christmas party. I'm in a blah mood and not looking forward to fish and chips for lunch… well due to lack of sleep and perhaps the beginning of the day I will leave it here.

A depressed struggling stranger

Choose Life Not the Beard

Well it is December first and as such the beard from no shave November has been erased thank goodness… it itches! But other than that there are 16 days until I fly Home. 18 until is see my love.

The events of last night may seem trivial but I shall share them. I talked to Kara for a short while after a rather disappointing time at volleyball then wrote a paper and went to bed… So what is the purpose in telling you this? There were choices made and choices seem to be the theme on my mind this last day. First I chose to go to volleyball and about half way trough I came to the conclusion I wasn't having a bad time and chose to not have a goodtime furthermore… I chose to leave assignments to the last minute again. But the most significant choice I made last night was that of going to bed. How is the significant or important, simple, I chose not allow myself to do anything else. I made up my mind to go to bed without any online issues. It crossed my mind for a sec when I finished my paper but I chose to go to bed… perhaps this is a piece of encouragement or perhaps it is simply a chance occurrence. I leave it to you to decide what if anything you take from this but that is all have other than I miss my dear Kara and want to desperately talk to you!

A thought I had as I was about to post you was the theme of God having a plan for our lives… It keeps coming up in chapels in classes and in assignments. In every area we see people affected by God. He has a plan that is so complex and vast yet extremely simple. The way in the past he as orchestrated people to meet up and with Kara and I's story there is undeniably the hand of God that has brought us together… something I shall be thinking more about I suppose.

A chosen Struggling Stranger