I'm not exactly sure why I started this blog… It might have been to spite, in a sense, my Ex girlfriend who started a blog or perhaps it's some deep seeded need to feel like somebody out there cares. Then I stop and think that I shouldn't be thinking these things because I'm a Christian; worse than that a soon to be pastor. God is supposed to be the one who cares, the one who is there; the one I can turn too. Yet as much as I know this in my mind it doesn't stop the thoughts that run through my mind ever doubting. So much so that I even question why I'm who I am and what I stand for. Despite this I crawl within myself and kick out all this on here to you yet I know not even who you are, and feel I will continue to do so for some misaligned reason unbenounced to me. Sadly the reason I have chosen to wrestle with something so against my nature and continue this is one that truly scares me beyond comprehension. As I was sitting in the bathroom excreting excrement, thoughts after reading my Ex's blog plagued my mind and danced upon my emotions. No it did not bring me to tears as many of my 'friends' might think of my soft mannered and gentle self. No thoughts of dying run through my mind, playing out in the reactions. I was not thinking of Suicide, not quite at least. My thoughts dwelled upon ways I could die that might please people around me or rather make me look good, to be plain. Even now, not so soon afterward, I cannot recall to mind what exactly these pictures were, only the feeling they left. Again why am I feeling this, I'm not supposed to be thinking these things. In one of my classes, a counseling course, we even talked about such things. Simply it scares me. I've heard it said that often counselors have worse problems than those they try to help but I am no counselor nor do I necessarily think that is true. Perhaps one of the things that are a root of my unnerving fear is the fact that we were taught that any form of suicidal thought is serious and needs attention and help. This conflicts me between wanting help and self sufficiency and then again by the choice to rely on God. But enough about what I think, let us look at the cause. What was written that so affect my, made the nerve endings in my brain ache for death? Nothing so sharp as one might think. This is where my 'friends' are right in thinking me sensitive I suppose. What caused my maligned thoughts? "The little princess died a little today" the opening words of Kara's Blog and would set the mood for the spike driven through my very moral fiber. What specifically twisted the preverbal spike I cannot say but it was the genuine hurt in, not only this post but others as well, that grieved my spirit so. One thing that gets to me is when I hurt people. I cannot stand it. Often I'll put myself at imposition to avoid this. This can and has gotten me in trouble. Per example with Mel; which I will explain later if I decide to continue fighting my nature in blogging. This need not to hurt has ripped my soul my very core in two. I know Kara is not the one for me. Not because she is ugly dumb or any reason of the sort simply because she is not the right one for me. (Contrary to what is said, Kara is Beautiful, Brilliant, Talented, Has a Heart For God and I can say nothing bad save she freaks out when she gets a ticket…) She says she is angry, or in that stage, and this pains me because I do not want to lose a friend let alone one of my best. The thought of losing another (yes I said in an earlier post I had never lost a friend, since then Mel as gone down that path and again I will get into that later) makes me want to puke. But enough for now I'm heading out with my friend Mark for some good quality talk n' coffee time and then talking with Kara on the phone… She has something exciting to tell me or something so I might be back later tonight with a second instalment.
A Soft Struggling Stranger
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