Adopted or Abandoned

    Tonight was my schools Christmas banquet. Like usual I end up helping, A LOT; it's just what I do. I don't mind not being recognized that i helped as was the case last year (which I was there more than the two actually planning it… but I'm not bitter…) no this does not get to me. The thing that gets to me is not having one person come and talk to me, not one person (other than those needing something for the banquet) realized I was there unless I brought myself into a conversation. Not one person said hi, not one person wanted a picture with me… I know who I am and am not looking for anything from this it just makes one doubt. One begins to think that nobody appreciates you other than what you do… Don't get me wrong I know I am loved but what of friends that are close by you, even acquaintances. Perhaps this stems from my own view and willingness to serve others and call everyone I know a friend. I honestly believe that I would do most anything for the people I know; there are not many I would hesitate if they really needed something. And it is not like this is an unproven thing. Most of those who know me could tell you this because of who I am. Yet despite all of this does anyone really want me around? Does anyone enjoy me for me instead of what I do? It makes me wonder…

    Tonight is one of thought brought around by many different things… I had an excellent meeting with my dean of students, Mathew and yet my mind is whirling in a different direction from the events of this banquet. Let me finish up my thoughts on the outcome of tonight. After the banquet all the freshmen are suppose to help clean up, and they do, then most people go out. This banquet is by far more about the after party than anything else. So do you suppose anyone invites me along? Do you suppose anyone notices the one who is actually helping tear down and will be again tomorrow and waits to see if he needs a ride anywhere, no. This is only the ramblings of one person, but it is not a singular occurrence even within my life… this is the 4 or so time with such an occasion as a banquet. No one seems to miss me or even have me cross their mind in the slightest… Yes I'm being a little selfish but this is how I feel. Abandoned, left out, mistreated, unloved. I know this is not the case especially with the creator God who looks down on us but it is simply the lowest residue of a batter mind still recovering.

    My meeting With Mathew was not like any I had had before with him. We actually talked and he made me think… I had to look inward and actually think. This is most significant because it is what wanted from these mentoring meets and had never gotten but on another note what it made me think about was again that God knows all and we don't yet we still have a choice. A choice to choose him and give him total control and trust or not. The other thought is that one needs to choose to look at every situation he finds himself and realize that he can learn and perhaps is suppose to learn from it. This is true with my sis, she is and has been physically sick in a sense and I being the fixed wanted nothing more than to be there with her and helping her to fix her. I need to realize that thought this is something she is going through it also is something I am going through and need to learn from it.

    I have many more thoughts I could scribble but I long to talk with my love perhaps for the sole reason of her knocking some sense into this thick skull of mine. So for now I bid you adieu; I may or may not be back tonight depending on whether sense is knocked in or if I'm still thinking about things.

    An Abandoned Adopted Stranger

Depression of Choice

Oh choices how you vex me…. Today I had a presentation; did I ever tell you I hate not being fully prepared? I think one of the worst feelings is watching other people present with the thought of your own presentation looming over your head and not being completely confident in it. In part this is my fault as I didn't prepare my part as well as I should have but it also comes from not meeting up with group members before hand, not doing a group project as a group project… well this is my little rant but it draws it back to choices.

    We as a group chose the last minute. Though something's like a car breaking own play their role if we had schedule to go over things before the day before we could have rescheduled. Like most things lately I chose things over schoolwork because I did not want to face the work or anything else. The outcomes of these choices are I didn't get to talk with Kara yesterday and had a horrible sleep because of it (partly the pop I drank too perhaps) I missed out on something I love, on the one I love because of my choices. In a previous post said I would not ignore or not realize the gifts and blessings in my life. This is a recommitment, and like I have figured out is something that needs to be a daily committal. At the beginning of each day I need to verbal commit it to God, to see the things in my life and being me. If I don't do these I won't think about them throughout the day and they will (speaking from my on experience) will slip. This is something I have realized for me, it may or may not help you wherever you are at.

    Side note---- depression is a choice… another choice courtesy of my counseling foundations class were I almost definitely found out/was told I'm depressed… interesting eh?

    On a positive note I brought joy to peoples lives with news the other day… I let you all wonder what that was… as to my day today I miss Kara and long to talk to her. I have errands to run and will be getting off this stupid hill and away for a little bit which will be glorious and I have the RA/RS Christmas party. I'm in a blah mood and not looking forward to fish and chips for lunch… well due to lack of sleep and perhaps the beginning of the day I will leave it here.

A depressed struggling stranger

Choose Life Not the Beard

Well it is December first and as such the beard from no shave November has been erased thank goodness… it itches! But other than that there are 16 days until I fly Home. 18 until is see my love.

The events of last night may seem trivial but I shall share them. I talked to Kara for a short while after a rather disappointing time at volleyball then wrote a paper and went to bed… So what is the purpose in telling you this? There were choices made and choices seem to be the theme on my mind this last day. First I chose to go to volleyball and about half way trough I came to the conclusion I wasn't having a bad time and chose to not have a goodtime furthermore… I chose to leave assignments to the last minute again. But the most significant choice I made last night was that of going to bed. How is the significant or important, simple, I chose not allow myself to do anything else. I made up my mind to go to bed without any online issues. It crossed my mind for a sec when I finished my paper but I chose to go to bed… perhaps this is a piece of encouragement or perhaps it is simply a chance occurrence. I leave it to you to decide what if anything you take from this but that is all have other than I miss my dear Kara and want to desperately talk to you!

A thought I had as I was about to post you was the theme of God having a plan for our lives… It keeps coming up in chapels in classes and in assignments. In every area we see people affected by God. He has a plan that is so complex and vast yet extremely simple. The way in the past he as orchestrated people to meet up and with Kara and I's story there is undeniably the hand of God that has brought us together… something I shall be thinking more about I suppose.

A chosen Struggling Stranger

The Choice of Focus or Focus a Choice

They always say how hard it is to finish well in this time between now and Christmas with exams and papers due but people never think it will affect them. I'm one of those but have succumbed to the inevitability of lack of motivation. For the last several days, and weeks really, I have not been able to focus on a task. In part there are too many distractions but not in the way one might think. My mind is distracted more than physically. I cannot dwell on any one thing or say what one thing is truly setting my mind in such a fray as the tracks are jumble for the train that is my thought. In all of this I notice things however, things that don't change and are stable. More and more I see a direct link between God and my every day. There is also a choice, and frankly I've been making the wrong one as of late. The decision to not face the coming odds, trying to cheat the system, has left me exactly where I am. Like a get rich quick scheme, my mind runs. I want to cut the corners and finish the easiest way possible. One positive look on this is in the fact that I was taught to work smarter not harder; this is the extreme outcome that binds me to what seems an easy way out. Instead of just sitting down and actually doing something I spend more time thinking about how to get around it than I would have actually doing it.

    I have let this blog without a post for a long time, this partially, is because of the growing difficulty in coming back over the longer time away. Some is for Fear of who is reading, or not fear but knowledge of who is. This is the workings of my mind and I write what I honestly think and go through. With this I write my struggle.

    The things that weigh on my mind are numerous but can be numbered. As I like list here they are, Kara, forever on my mind, My sister, school, future, present, my faith, the easy way and many more. Kara and I are us. There is no other way to describe it. She's on my mind and I miss her. But there are always things that people nitpick about. I wish she would call me out on things, not paying attention on the phone, reading, and other things. She doesn't like conflict and I know that, I just wish that she would be more selfish as strange as that sounds. I am a servant I feel happy when I can help others and as such I wish there was more I could for you. Distance doesn't help this in the least; rather, it makes it all the worse. It's in these moments I think she's too good for me. In some sense I feel I want her to be more selfish because of how selfish I am, and that if she was less I wouldn't feel as bad. This is something that has plagued my mind. I am extremely selfish… so many things when Kara and I are talking and so many times it's for me. Perhaps this partly a bad self value as I don't see how I effect her but in the most part I feel selfish, things I say are for selfish reasons things I do are for selfish reasons and I cannot control them, or do not want to. Again I am faced by the I do the things I do not want to do and the things I want to do I do not to do. The conclusion I have come to, and it is one that vexes me, is that no matter how one looks at it, it is a choice. I choose to do the things I do, no one can choose for me what I do and I what I do not do. This brings me my mind to the ultimate struggle of my thought and very being.

    During summer I discovered who I was, I am a creation of God longing and crying out for that maker longing to do the will of Him who is above all things. At the core of my being is God. Yet within my mind the thoughts of what is easiest creep in. It would be easier to give into what I want, to take what I want, to leave what I believe behind because then I would be allowed to do what I 'truly' want. An attack from the father of lies, yes; but it does not keep my mind from following down the trap path he sets forth for my mind to run and wander down. In these times in need to remember what I learned this summer, what I had forgotten and have since regained, I Love God. This does not stop my mind from turning, however. If I know this and will not be swayed then why do I still choose as if I didn't? Like a dog who returns to his vomit. Why do I return to those things which has made me sick, that infected who I was and destroys from the inside out. Choice. This is the struggle of life I have discovered. First it is whether you want to follow the world or God. Second it is whether you will follow the World or God. This is a daily struggle of choosing what is right and doing accordingly.

    So why after coming to this conclusion has it not completely revolutionized my thinking and all that I do? It's still a choice, and in a choice you weigh the good and the bad. Well this is true or me at least, and as a result I need to see the good and the bad, experience them both to know which is better. This is completely idiotic and stupid as I know which is better and which will feel better but there is still that longing in me that wishes I had an amazing testimony of coming out of a ton of bad and being who I am. Do I wish this upon myself no… but at the same time yes. It is simply one of those things. As to where I'm at right now, I feel that is the excuse, reason, theory, justification for why I have chosen the opposite of what I know is right. A sad excuse but until working through all of this in thought, in particular on here, I had not realized this before.

    Back to the list of things that is bugging me, my sis is going through some rough physical things and it is on my mind. But in a sense that I want to use it as an excuse, a pity party if you will, for sympathy or special attention from people. Sad again I know but the thought and intent were there if they aren't now. Realizing this is, I think, the best way of preventing or avoiding it. Honesty does this and brings whole right being.

    As to school I have been behind from the lack of focus. Part of this comes from my procrastination but a lot come from my mind being elsewhere when I need it to be focused. I tend to leave things to the night before and, in past, this has not been a problem. I would stay up late and do them. With Kara being in my life I would much rather be talking to her. This wouldn't be a problem if I kept on top of my assignments like I was doing; doing them during the day. Instead I would rather not take away talking to Kara and her to I as I see it as punishing her for my mistakes (arrogant? a little) And I do not want this to impact or hindered your thoughts Kara… I need to do my work during the day. No if ands or buts about it.

    As to the future I know that Kara is the one I'm going to marry, God has been clear on that. But this doesn't stop that devil from wriggling his way into my thoughts. At times I question things as I suppose is normal even though I know that Kara and I are too be wed one day. I don't know how or why these thoughts creep in, but it is past weaknesses perhaps that allow it. This revolves back to my perpetual stumbling block again.

    It comes and goes stronger at times than others but the choice is there… like choosing God each day. Something I just realized is that it is only the days that I don't verbally choose God that it has happened. With this also, is the choice of doing it; something odd perhaps is that something 'clicks' in me and I've made up my mind and nothing seems to snap me out of it… this only personifies the idea of choice even more.

    Well this has been a longish one and I just got from a break and cleaning and perhaps clearing my head a little and will leave you here today…

A choosing Struggling Stranger

Zipfiss and the Precision Time Trio

Sorry it's been a few days but exams seem to monopolize ones time.

Tonight i actually had a shift in the RA office, a first this year and it went well. Mica, my former boss, dropped by and said he had been hearing good things and that i was doing a really good job this year on the RA team. It's nice to have encouragement from authority figures some time :). On this side of things, I'm still not sure if i want to try and be RS at the end of this year. I still haven't figured out intern stuff or summer stuff yet. Kara and our future is mingle in there somewhere... well not somewhere but everywhere but you know what I mean. There are a lot of decisions to be made and as i'm typing this i realize i need to go to God first... Thank you Blog for reminding me what to do by allowing me to work through things in my mind... (i'll be right back but you really wont notice anything as you have no concept of the my time withing this blog... in this sense anyway :P)  Well i'm back... i've done the dishes, i've prayed, i've read and my heart is still heavy for more reasons than simply the future...

Tonight i fell into the bain of my heart. That sin that has always gotten me, and still has its claws deeply embedded in the flesh of my soul. Why can i never be rid you Devil! Have i not power in the name of Christ? But who am i? Am i one of those who did miracles in your name yet never knew you or am i like the disciples sent out to minister to the people you love? Am i as proverbs 14:2 says... Am i Just one who despises you? And what of 14:5, 25? Am i all but a false deceitful witness? Why can i not be the truth i so desperately want to be and what of speaking words that mean nothing? Why is the one thing i apparently am good deceit. Why do i find it so easy to hide all i don't want seen, to hide those things i'm ashamed of, to hide those emotions of destruction within me, to hide beside acceptance of others. Why can i not accept the acceptance of the only one that truly matters. Why do i do the things i don't want to do and not do the things i want to do? Why is every step i take fail?

Why do i long for something i apparently cannot achieve? I wonder this in my head as i always turn back to sin yet i desire the heart of God. Why could these convictions not be removed? Because that would make my life easy and worthless, this is why the Lord of the Universe has written his Law on my heart. He loves me and because of this he wants the best for me and know what is best for me. There is no trial he will allow us to go through which we can not handle but relying on him. we just need to rely on him. So here i am i'm crying out for your love, your grace, your mercy, your LOVE... Why does God know us so well? Why has he Bless me So much! why do people say you never know what you've got till it's gone. Is this because they don't notice what it does for them because it's always done it? or is it because there is a void in heart, a lack of Care? I know of some blessing in my life and i am refusing to wait until they are gone to realize they are their. To my Family you are the most amazing people i know and i Love you so incredible much. You have been the most influencal people in my life. Dad i love you and i look up to you more than you know. Mum I love you so incredible much and see the strength i desire. Sis I love you and everything you are. To those who have taught me and grown me, i thank God for you and what i have learned from you and pray that one day i will be able to do the same for someone else. *** (i'll let you know what those are for in a little bit) I was going to write something here but it can wait just a little bit. You never know who reads these things and as hard as that is knowing who does can be harder. Kara now knows about you but i don't think she knows i'm posting again. All that to say is i want to be honest to fullest extend with You and that is harder when i know who is reading or could be but it makes this more than just a simple blog it makes it a journal, a safe place. The unique ability it has as not being safe and being safe is what honesty is all about. Trusting someone is letting people in, loving someone is giving them the power to break you. There is one person i really didn't speak of before of those who influence my life. And if i'm honest this is what i was going to write next and she is the one God is using to influence me and show me his love in the most powerful way. I refuse to not see what God has bless me with. Kara I LOVE YOU and i mean it with every fiber in my being. Those asteria earlier , those are the point i took a break from blogging and had a conversation with Kara (and if your reading this Kara with you)... Our God is an amazing God, he works in the craziest of ways. Kara if you are reading this look over what  i wrote before i talked to you. Is there one point that you did not reiterate to me or one point you said that is not there. Isn't it odd how you know something yet until someone else says it too you it is equal to what one of my Profs would say "bovine excrement". Kara God has placed you in my life as an amazing blessing and you make me smile without ceasing but i it is God who is allowing you to do this to me because you are his first and foremost. You are his daughter and i need to ask his permission first (sermon illustration for youth group on dating i think so :P :D) Today has been one of those weird and yet not weird days. Earlier i spent it writing out a few dreams i have to place in a scrap book Kara made about us for me... Ten years and we will look at them. This was an amazing time i spent with God and in a sense with you. And the future that God has set before us the race we are suppose to run has become a little bit clearer :).

I was extremely down after talking to God first and i was wondering why it wasn't one of those times that God makes you joyful. Nonetheless i came to a conclusion if you will and i sent Kara a text. It was about my struggle in a sense but more so a pre-emptive strike about how it might make her feel... God told her to Call and pray for me... She obeyed... And you know what, i learned a lot in this conversation. More than words can describe and more than words conveyed. God Gave me one of those moments and said it is my time.

I think i will leave you here today as it is now 8:30 in the morning and i have not slept at all. But today though through the weary battle i fight, God gives me respite. More than this God gives me hope for the battle is already one as it it is the lords battle and not my own. It's funny, i thought this post was going to be more depressing and question, hence the part that almost sounds like a suicide note to those i'm leaving (sorry if i gave that impression, was never the intention)  but God has turned it into a note of encouragement. I have seen Gods Love. I have felt his Grace. I know God and that is the most amazing thing in the world (sorry Kara but you know this to be true :))

This is my struggle. This is my Story. This is the path i have chosen to walk down. And this is my testimony of How Good God is.

A Timed Struggling Stranger

The Pathetic Path - Past Not Forgotten

Again it has been a long while since last I saw you, and there are numerous reasons for that I suppose but my mind has slipped back into the thinking of this blog. Finding Who I am; cognitively and systematically detailing the events in my mind to sort through and logically place who i am. In a sense this Blog acts as a journal and as of now its taking a turn from the depressed and down hearted writings of a person disconnected from God to the story of self discovery in the sense of exactly who i am and what my specific purpose is. I suppose this doesn't change exactly what is written as pertaining to whoever reads this as it is not written to be found. This is written to help me understand who i am, what my strengths are and what i'm doing in this world. This is the story, the path of me becoming who i am. I have not changed the name, nor my name in all of this because i will not forget my past because it helps me discover who i am and who i want to be. This is the Struggle of Stranger still as i invite you to journey with me. I write for myself this time, to learn, but i hope that whoever reads would find something to glean from the sometimes frantic, scatter-brained and generally psychotic writings of a Someone Searching. But enough of trying to put words to my purpose in all of this as i have found it extremely difficult and as such feel like it has not flown like anything i normally write.

A lot has happened since last i recorded the outcomes of my days. Where to begin is the question. Well i suppose the best way to decide that is to talk about what is most on my mind, in a good way. Kara. All i can say to this is the Lord works in funny ways but amazing ways. I never thought i would have been someone date a girl twice and in a sense i'm not but in the truest notion of it all i am. Kara and I are together. But more than just together. We know each other. I truly can and do tell her everything. I have told her about this blog and she has read the entire thing. We have worked through some of the hardest things since we have been together and i have come to terms with many of my 'demons' if you will. But i'm sure your wondering how in the heck? Well i suppose i should fill you in. When last i wrote the feelings and emotions coursing through the smallest parts of my brain revolved around Mira, Camp, and Kara. I was emotionally distraught. Camp further drained me physically and spiritually i was not being fed. The culmination of this breaks down later and i'll get into that but in the midst of the interlude to that me and Kara found ourselves together. It's hard to explain just how this happened. We drifted into each other as when together we simply seemed not able to control ourselves. Regardless one needs to know that we were together and things were not right with God in any sense. This built to the 'divide' as i'm going to call it. Me and Kara were both just drained and she came into my cabin and we were talking. This is a big no no as we were alone and girls just aren't suppose to be in guys cabins. Well we got in trouble. This trouble was in the sense of one or both of us were going to being sent home. This may seem harsh to some but as leaders, and both Kara and I are leaders, are to be above r reproach and simple as that we were not. But this lead to perhaps the single greatest worst and best week of my life. Instead of sending either of us home we were in isolation. For a week we did not do any of our duties. It was up to us for how we were to spend this week. For me not being able to be with the kids, doing my job, tormented me and obliterated me. This, however is not the single most import than aspect of this solitude. It snapped me out of the state i was in. It was a wake up call. I had been relying on my own strength, i had been doing what i wanted, i had been extremely selfish. I wanted the glory that God, and God alone, is worthy of. I wanted to do things by my own strength and God through this showed me that my strength was feeble and fails. I spent that week fasting, praying, reading. Something i had not done in a long time. And it was not some great relief when i did. It got harder and depressing. It shook me to down to the very core of who i am. It utterly brought me to rock bottom.

a shadow cast on the floor
reflects nothing in light
but the emptiness in its void
reveals the darkness it hides

the silhouette of a man who stands at the door
all around him is light, defining the core

consumption by one the, destruction the rest
Here he stands to decide whats best

To enter is more than revealing his face
for to one is shadows the other is grace

Darkness hides and light reveals
a fate in which forever seals

The Door but opens only on way
and only fear causes him to stay

Consumption by one, destruction the rest
Here he stands to decide whats best

I no longer had the delusions of several options. There was choice to be made and there is no sitting on the fence. This torture i went to stripped me of all i had imagined, created, masked. It showed me who i really am. I am a man who at his very core seeks God, loves God, wants God's will to be done. It stripped away all other things and showed me my priorities and how out of place they were. God has always been on the list but i had lost sight of him being at the top.
This stemmed out of part because of everything with Mira but it delves much deeper into a slow decay of deceit, death, and dismay. I can blame this mis-prioritization on Mira but that would simply be another self lie i would be feeding myself. Mira was the outcome of a slow and long process of falling away from God. All of this, in my simplified human feeble words, is what hit me in an instance nearer the end of that week of hell. The outworking of this however was something so much more. I found out who at the core i was, and i found out who at the core i wanted and need. I realized what truly sets my heart in wonder, what i am attracted to because it is something i admire and long for. It is not something easy to describe other than 'you' but decrepit words do try in a longing for God. A heart for and of God. At the root of it all is God . That week brought me back to the true me; God centered. Contradictory my message is you say *yes i imagined that in a yoda voice* Yes i know who i am at the very core but this blog is now serving to help me discern who i am within that Capacity. That week marks an A.D. B.C. split. in My life and my relationship with Kara. I had my eyes opened in different ways. I saw who i was truly and i saw what i wanted, and all that i wanted was in Kara. My eyes were on God and i saw, i see, God in her. Never have i know attraction like this. Never have i been drawn to someone so much. Never have i let someone in like this, nor will i ever again. I got a text today from Jared. It simple said "hey man i hear you guys are the real deal this time. I'm happy for you shes a great girl". This embodies the change. I replied saying how i had told him things were different. The thing that is different, the attraction of this all is not something as simple as i like Kara over someone. I am attracted to everything about her because i know what i want, and God knows what i need and both of these focus, center, pinpoint align in Kara. I am attracted to her more than i ever thought was possible. I knew not something like this existed. I am attracted to her physical, perhaps one of the first things a guy notices, i'm attracted to her emotionally, she makes me smile and i make her smile and so much more, but the most important thing i learned is i'm attracted to her spiritually. She is centered on God, she has a faith so strong, she is who God has chosen for me. So many thing s in our story i cannot explain as simple coincidence and chance. God has moved in our lives and day after day i am growing closure to him, and more in love with her. Every little detail i analyze i see Gods hand in and how much i'm attracted to her. Some would say that once you have her the chase of the game is over. I've found that its not over, it changes. You chase after her loving you more and you loving her more. You chase after every little thing that makes her smile, even the tiniest bit broader or longer, you chase after knowing her even the tiniest bit better just to please her that smallest amount more. That week i got right with God. That does not mean its been clean easy sailing *i like the cut of your Jib, :)* Me and Kara had to work through a lot of crap, and still do. We may not get in the typical fights or arguments that couples do but it is not easy. Those fights may come or they may not but we still have a ton of difficulties we work through but instead of working through them yelling we work through them our own way. I'm not going to try and fill you in on all that has transpired in this way but i will continue to let you in when things arise. This ends what i tell you to catch up. Though it is incomplete and very brief i hope it portrays in all color the change that has indeed transpired within me and how it has effected everything in my life.

I write today, Sunday, the week of my midterm exams and the most pressing thing still on my mind is my Career Youth Leadership Class. It has weighed on my spirit and what has brought me down the path of self awareness; rather the need there of. In this class the idea of leading from your strengths is the ideal. But i have no idea what my strengths are. I see most of what i do as skills i have learned. Nothing it seems comes naturally to me. And this is thus the purpose of this rather self center thing know as a blog. I have always seen a blog in the purpose of it benefiting the readers. I know see it as something different. I see that it can benefit the readers but more so the writer. It is he who can freely express his thoughts and if any comments arise i see it as more input data to help him sort through the things of this life. So with this i say i am writing and hope you get something out of it it but this truly is not something to have my words be heard is is to hear the words i have said myself.

Enough of all of this explaining.

Today i woke up and simple have done nothing else today. I have written this and eaten. The thoughts that really have driven my thinking are of Mark and his GF, Mary. They had a fight last night and it is not the fight that so much put concern in my mind it is what mark resolved the reason for the fight to begin with. He was wondering and wanted to ask Mary the reason for their relationship. He was wondering if there was any actual substance to their relationship. This concerns me but does not terrible surprise me. Though Mark has not dated in awhile i definitely see were this could be an empty, void relationship prying on or thriving on loneliness. I have seen that from the beginning or could see that from the beginning. Te other side of this is in the form of something mark observed and longed for. He saw me and our other roommate Scott, praying with our girlfriends. It challenged him and he wanted that with Mary and as far as i know they did. If he saw nothing in it he would not have done this. This is my reasoning anyways.

Something that has been on my mind is my strengths and what the heck they are. Kara sees me differently than i see myself. She sees something in me or about me and it's truly driving me nuts because she won't tell me. :) I know she should not because it is something i need to figure out for myself. So here is my attempt at trying to figure it out. I'm decent at music i can pick something up and playing it with limited pre-knowledge. What i mean is i can figure out sounds it makes and put them together to sound like something but this is something i have learned from piano. This is a skill not strength. In the sense of speaking i am decent but it does not come naturally. Writing i leave to you whether or not it is even decent, but it is not strength. I am good at most things i try my hand at but nothing jumps out. There is not one thing that truly comes naturally too me that i excel at. As situations arise i will try to identify things within in them but i fear i will only help in discerning my weaknesses not my strengths. Well this has been one long and rather boring post so i will leave it here.

Till the next time

An Inward Looking Struggling Stranger

Camp…. The beginnings of more crap than a camp without toilets…

It has been a long time since I published on here but I feel it is now something I can do. I was writing out of the wrong reason and perhaps I am again but it is something to do while still out at camp and it will serve as a record of all that is in my life as I grow and mature and become the man I will eventually be. I've found I've become fond of lists, perhaps it is my type-A coming out or something but it's one way to start this thing… Three or four major areas going on in my life right now, Camp, Kara, Mira, and growth. All of these become intertwined but I will do my best to bring you all back up to speed. Well let us start with where I am. I am at camp and will be for the next 3 months and a week. We have limited internet but I should be able to post once a day or so, at least until actual camp starts with all the campers running around. Yes this is the same camp where I met Kara, and yes she will be here again and involved more heavily in my life than before… but I'll get to that. First let us go back….*dream sequence begins* lol thought I'd throw that in there. This last year, last semester, last term, last month has been a very interesting one… I may have failed three courses, for sure have failed one and that is only school. Physically i felt horrible, spiritually I was dead, and emotionally I was ripped apart. I was sick, possibly from a weekend immune system or H1N1 or even something from the old building I was living in. This only further drained me as I was getting nothing spiritually, I wasn't praying, reading and almost even caring about my faith, my walk with Christ, all that I truly am and how I define my life. This only worked as a catalyst for the situations I was in. I've been absolutely torn apart this last while and it all comes down to Mira. Mira embodies the all that I want in a woman… Well perhaps not all but is by far the closest person I have met to the woman I actually want to marry… the only reason as to why she is not the one is she is not a Christian. She cannot support me in all that believe live and am. The worst part in all this is we could make it work, Easily. We suit each other in almost everything. The way she receives love I give and they way I receive love she gives thinking of the five love language. But that is only the beginning of it… The small quirks about her and simply who she is, just sets me in wonder. She brilliant and this is something that I have longed for and I would dare say she is smarter than me. How do I know? We argue, not yelling and fighting, but debates and viewpoints. She calls me out on things were I'm not saying everything and when I just don't say anything… No other person I have had a relationship with, potential partner, has done this and more importantly won. I do not always win the arguments… This is partly because I simply don't care about some of the subjects enough but that does not dampen the fact that she wins them because most of the time I can BS and win an argument even when I know I'm wrong. She says she loves me and she has called me out on not loving her as much as she loves me and this is the scary part… Yes we could make it work, yes I would be happy but there would always be this nagging at the back of my mind, not fully fulfilled life as I see it because of my faith… I know God has a plan for my life and I know that does not include someone who doesn't share my faith… Have I wondered if she would become one, yes, has she yes. Has she thought about faking it, yes, would it work no… and I wouldn't want that… I'd rather marry her and know she wasn't a Christian than have her fake it. But that is not the issue, I trust God above all else, he is first in my life. This is where I have grown this is what this entire struggle has brought to the forefront of my mind and solidified my stance. God has a plan, I trust God, God would not equip me for my purpose in him, AKA Mira is not the one. The questions this raises are numerous and in depth. Why would God intertwine our paths and give us something so good if nothing is to become of it, if nothing can become of it. Why would God toy with the emotions of two people, one which is still finding himself. The part that stings most about all of this, however, is how I have hurt yet another Woman. Yet another woman has said she would marry me and I have ripped out her heart and hurt her beyond repair… But the real stab to my heart is how I may have hurt her chance with a relationship with God. She is the one who has asked those questions; who has questioned God, who has seen how it has destroyed yet another life. I have potentially ruined her chance at becoming a Christian. I tried to show her God's love, but instead showed her mine and utterly ripped her heart to jagged shreds. But enough about this in this context; It's time I fill you in on camp. It's been about a month and things have gotten interesting. We had to get the camp all ready, de-winterized but Jared, the camp director, decided we were going to redo the main bathrooms. This is a 40 year old or so building that was added onto, but we aren't touching the newer part… I could rant and rave about all the issues we have encountered so far, yes it's taken us over a month so far, but I feel it is not entirely necessary. Just know that these bathrooms have sucked the life out of me. This is not only due to the long nights and frustration but, more so, the frustration of all others… It would appear I am the golden child… I Screw things up a lot less than the others and I'm a hard worker… I'm not trying to boast, it's just the way things work out. On top of that add the fact that I know generally what I am doing in a lot of things or I can figure it out. This has all combined to me doing more things, being in leadership and ultimately being trusted. Jared sent me an email that was explaining all this. The main goal of the email, however, was to explain that because he doesn't trust many people and that I have gained his trust he lets his frustration out on those he trusts. He didn't want to discourage me when he did this. Though this is amazingly uplifting and, I think, rather cool, he also complains to me about the others not working very quickly how not using their brains etc… and that is what is wearing. I feel like they will start to dislike me because of all of this. And I feel they do the best they can and I have just shown them up… I almost feel responsible for their getting in trouble. And yes I know this is very arrogant and such but I cannot help feeling this way… Therefore this is the state of my mind, I am growing closer to God from figuring out and working through all that is my relationship with Mira thought the pangs of her agony pang me and Camp is hard tough work which I am up for yet emotionally I am still recovering and perhaps unstable… Then add to this Kara being back at camp and how I long for physical touch and she is there and easy to gain this with.. Emotionally in this situation, I know she is not for me. She is a great Girl, amazing even, but not for me. The hard part is emotionally I really am unstable and fall into things with her because of our chemistry. But she wants to more than friends still and this does not help my resolve. Another thing to consider with this as well is the fact that she is feeling alone because her grandmother, who was with her living in her house, died. She is emotionally looking for someone and that falls on me… The stick in this is she is my friend, good friend, and I want to help her yet that ends with something more. It always falls into something, I cannot control myself because I long physically even though I have made a concrete decision in my mind, and she is emotionally unstable and perhaps not thinking straight either. Needless to say, our chemistry works with each other and our emotions are by no means in and stable state so we 'connect'. But I know this cannot continue. I seems as I'm leading her on, and in some ways I am. I try not to but honestly I lose control of my logical senses and fail. This is the stat of my mind. The good thing about camp, as my mother pointed out, is that I am doing, for lack of a better phrase, 'mindless work' which allows me to think. I am able to work through my life thinking about everything drawing conclusions and just solidify the uneasiness know as the sea of my mind. I feel this has brought you more up to speed with where I am. I am closure to maturity than I was before in some areas but I leave it to you to judge if all this is juvenile and childish. Until I write again.

 

A changing Struggling Stranger