So this is well overdue. I think it's safe to say that staying up all night the other night has completely messed up my schedule and my motivation. Well onto what to blog about today?? After the events of the other night today seems pretty mellow. My thoughts are more stable and I can trust myself a little more. Mira and I did not get any sleep that night and thus when her parents left for the opera she went to sleep for a little while. This gave me a chance to finish up last night's post but when she came back I didn't feel like I would suddenly lose control of myself in a flurry and well take advantage of her. (a rather scary thought given how much I do care for her and just in general) Don't get me wrong the urge was still heavily there I just didn't think I would explode with passion and emotion unexpectedly. Thus I say I can trust myself more, not completely, but more. Events of that day include helping my uncle pick up a new air compressor and cleaning some things out. Yesterday wasn't to eventful slept most of it away other than that I had band practice and am playing the Cajon today for chapel. Other events of today I'll talk to you more tonight I hope but on with what's on my mind. No nothing for the Ex's blog today, but still something on the web. Mira sent me an e-mail saying that she missed our late nights despite the large amount of time spent on sad, rather pathetic, thoughts. She also said I should visit more and to check out a song. The song is what got me thinking. Lady Gaga 'Speechless'.
I can't believe what you said to me
Last night when we were alone
You threw your hands up
Baby you gave up, you gave up
I can't believe how you looked at me
With your James Dean glossy eyes
In your tight jeans with your long hair
And your cigarette stained lies
Could we fix you if you broke?
And is your punch line just a joke?
I'll never talk again
Oh boy you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless
I can't believe how you slurred at me
With your half wired broken jaw
You popped my heart seams
On my bubble dreams, bubble dreams
I can't believe how you looked at me
With your Johnnie Walker eyes
He's gonna get you and after he's through
There's gonna be no love left to rye
And I know that it's complicated
But I'm a loser in love
So baby raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends
I'll never love again,
Oh friend you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless
x2
And after all the drinks and bars that we've been to
Would you give it all up?
Could I give it all up for you?
And after all the boys and girls that we've been through
Would you give it all up?
Could you give it all up?
If I promise to you boy
That I'll never talk again
And I'll never love again
I'll never write a song
Won't even sing along
I'll never love again
So speechless
You left me speechless, so speechless
Why you so speechless, so speechless?
Will you ever talk again?
Oh boy, why you so speechless?
You've left me speechless
Some men may follow me
But you choose "death and company"
Why you so speechless? Oh oh oh
Perhaps the first thing I thought about was 'is she speechless or am I?' This was my reaction to the title alone. The first thing that kind of slapped me in the face, taking me by surprise and well leaving me a little speechless, was the last line of one of the second line. As I mentioned before about how much I wanted Mira, I went as far as to even fake emotions to get her to pity me and give into anything I wished. This worked to some extent but not fully to what wanted. (a good thing in retrospect and full self control) But the line that hit me (and I'm almost positive that Mira had no idea) said and cigarette stained lies right after the first verse and former of this verse, that completely applies to us. (her singing to me at this point). The next line that stuck out was "And I know that it's complicated, But I'm a loser in love" Mira a while back had gone on a rant about complicated relationships and everyone under 22 need to proclaimed to the world it's complicated were the very act that everyone says it's complicated makes in normal. But that's not my rant, I simply am applying how much weight this statement means. And I may just be over thinking this completely, but the second half of the line speaks even stronger. And again though I might simply be reading into and taking out of this something completely more than intended but Mira is a rather smart gal (Simply Brilliant if I do say so myself) so I lean more towards my thoughts as being fact rather than 'riding a dead horse'. I could continue picking this song apart (more than how it just applies to me a Mira) but I will simply say if I read into this correctly, I truly am left Speechless as to the implications. As I was writing this (partly in class today hehe) Who am I jumped out of the bush and punched me in the face. The class I'm in is called adolescent development and today, though the first class, we were taking notes describing why we need to study this subject. We listed major life changes that occur during this stage. Well to be short many of them I either was going through or will be. This surprised me in sense as I always saw myself as generally more mature than my peers. This kind of put into perspective where I fit in the world right now for me(another bullet on the list). I sense that this year will be one of me discovering and finding the answers to question I have yet to even contemplate about asking myself. Beyond this lies something entirely different; complete and utter uncaring-ness. Which nags at the back of my mind as to why I don't care and why now is it choosing to surface. These I think are questions for another time, one further on when there is less of me in this situation in this stage. The only other thing I will add to this blog is a comment on Kara's. See is looking forward to our "phone date" tomorrow. The word date worries as I am definitely in over my head further she adds "Score" after. Not only does this unnerve me in the sense of a date but it also unnerves me in the fact I have not given her the openness or, I don't know, trust for her to call me whenever.
A Delayed Struggling Stranger
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