Class ARG!!

Today was the first day of classes and wouldn't you know it Wednesdays are my busy days! I have a double block in the morning and then a double block in the afternoon. And if that was not quite enough in between those I bought some of my text books. I just love giving money away! *rolls eyes* It really wasn’t too excruciating, definitely was not as bad as registration yesterday. On to the classes I suppose. My first Class this morning was doctrine 2; a continuation of Doctrine one form last semester. It seems like it’s going to be a good class lots of things I want to learn from this course but today was a write off. All we did was go around the room say our name, program, year and a funny story and after all that finally review some of doctrine one. Not a complete waste as there was some good stories causing the eruption of the entire class including myself. My story got a good laugh considering the one I had to follow but it wasn’t entirely truthful. I don’t know why I felt like I had to say something good. Perhaps I just want to fit in or not embarrass myself, I don’t know, but either way this is only one of many similar situations that seem to tear a piece off of my own self respect. Why do I feel like I need to ‘sell’ myself becoming part of something and slowly lose who I am? Though no one in the class knew what I said was, well, not true, I feel like these situations I lose something. I want to define my life by honesty and most people, I would dare say, align me with this. This is all part of a bigger problem or struggle on my pathetic little path of life. One that will, I guarantee, resurface. For now, however, on with the day. My next class was Non-Pauline Epistles. Again allot of potential to learn about things I want to learn. This was a smaller class but even with that I felt completely out of my element, out of my league. People in the class seem to have a firm grasp on most things already and were interacting with the notes where I was just struggling to get them down and understand them let alone pose and sort of critical think upon them. It’s moments and classes like this one that make me wonder why, how, or even can I be a good pastor. The question of what makes me different? What gives me an edge? Why would God use me or how can God use me pass through my mind and take this struggling stranger in a choke hold that nothing, it seems, could lift the arms of uselessness and inadequacy. I feel chained, restrained yet I know God can use anyone and because of this I continue, shaken, still shackled to this cycle of circular thinking. Why do I get in this circle? Is it because I’m stubborn? Is it because I think too much or am to ‘smart’ not to just accept? This endless cycle of repetition and close but never found alluding answers is a near constant in my noggin and is simply only made worse but such classes, positions and the career I have chosen. Which begs the question why did I do this instead of something else? But that is a topic for another day as it is another circular thought and I’ve already rambled enough on this one. So what is my action going to be? How do I react now? Well I will try and be on top of my work and be at the peak of my learning but we will see how long that lasts as even now thoughts of my female issues pop into my head and tear me away from my work. But for now I go to read.

A Thought Provoked Struggling Stranger