A Leaf Among The Grass

Sorry for not posting last night; we had a guest and he slept on the couch. AKA instead of put him out by working on homework and then writing I decided to pack it in early. This also cause me to not sleep, or very little, last night and get up at 5 to finish my homework. It's been a long day yet the only time felt tired was in my 6-9 class…(which I skipped the second half) Anyways Class this morning was a riot… What happens when you take a bunch of youth majors and stick them in a class explaining and going through puberty and growth?.... the EXACT same thing as a bunch of junior highs…. SAD but true… it was fun :P My RA meeting was good we gave the gals cards and roses. At the end of the meeting we prayed and I actually spoke out; not long, not eloquently, but I did. Well that brings me to my night…. I've spent the last couple hours writing calligraphy and setting up a table… What for? A surprise 'catered' meal for some girls. Tomorrow I will grab the bread salad and flowers and we will be all set. Should be fun, I'll let you know how It goes.

    Yesterday was Valentines…. There's a lot I could say, stories I could go into… To Kara: I cannot be the man you want me to be; I'm not the perfect person, not even just for you. I know what to do yet dread the thought of it… How do I talk to you when every word I speak I fear will hurt you more or my lack of words do the same. I am stuck in the middle a great turmoil that ultimately ends in pain. How do I simply say we are only friends when it's so easy not to be. Your disappointed in my, so am I. But where you are disappointed with my lack of action I am disappointed with the action I've taken and my lack action in the opposite of what you think. I've prolonged things for dread of hurting you, and I know that musty sound like a load of horse…. But it's true. You know me, you know how others feeling effect me, how I live through others happiness… What am I trying to say? I'm sorry. My stayed hand or voice has hurt you more than a swift tongue ever could.

    I could ramble on but as much as my heart and mind are in turmoil (over Kara but over something else as well) I will leave it here as I think I have lost heart or faith in this blog, perhaps it has run its course, perhaps this is the end of yet another one of my faces; masks; personas; persons.

 

A Pathetic Struggling Stranger

Tonight was fun. After soccer for a couple of hours we headed back to my room for poker! I wasn't not in it today; perhaps because I was talking on FB with people during the first or other things on my mind… in any case tonight was not my night. I do not have much to say today. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day, tonight I wrote a poem. I'll share it as no one reads this anyway and do not have to face criticism. (If there actually is someone out there reading this please do criticize it, really, I'd appreciate it)

The last leaf to fall from mighty oak

So late, it does seem a cruel joke

For it does not fall when things die

Nor beneath white flake hide

It falls when things take flight

When passions flames alight

With trees new bud progress

The green grass it does caress

There on the ground it is alone

It's match, unknown

Well this is my simple post tonight. I will leave it here and leave you to your own conclusions about the poem.

 

A Leaf A Struggling Stranger

N-Core-Age

How to describe today I cannot count the ways… Today I slept in, setup, worked, handed in, hiked, shot pool, ate, watched Olympics, watch movie, cleaned, plotted, planned, failed, succeeded, wrote, and thought. Busy, not really. It was a lazy morning even though I knew I needed to get that project for last semester done. Well after thinking it was Saturday and rushing for brunch I helped install the new TV the school got to replace the one that was stolen. But after this I got down to work, finished the assignment, after procrastinating and failing at the same time… , and handed it in. Well after this I went for a hike with Ally. Surprisingly it wasn't too bad, nothing came up. We talked; found out why each of us was at summit and why we were in the programs we are in. It wasn't a long hick, about a half hour, but we finished with finally proving I can get out of her head lock. Then shot pool for awhile. This was originally and suppose to be just me and Reba having some family time, but Ally and some of her friends broke it up and we all played. Then I went out to an excellent restaurant with Mark called Eko's; SOOOO GOOOD! We came home and found the Olympics streaming online and put it on the projector. I would say the opening ceremonies were good, could have been better, but where good. (pity about the Olympic flame caldron malfunction, at least it worked still) after this we watched accepted, good movie! Then I began to clean; tidy the room and did the dishes. After all this I started talking on FB and planning something for the gals for V day. I really hope it comes through because that would be sweet. I want to get a good sleep tonight though so I will tell you about yesterday quickly; filling in something I missed.

    Yesterday I took some leadership in my RA role. There was a scuffle in a sense; definitely a conflict. At first it all seemed a fun loving joke but one of the partakers didn't take it that way. I went and just talk with him. I listened, offered personal experience and he was open to me and calmed down quickly. We talked for a good while, he expressed what he was going through and why things where the way they were and with the people they were with. (and I can completely see why this was) he thanked me afterwards and I said that's what I'm here for. But to truly see how this affected me is on a completely different level. Like this friend, often I wasn't taken seriously because they don't see what I do. Aka RA in the Married Residence. Well it showed me that I can be useful and helpful to the community and that there is a reason I'm RA. Well it was a real encouragement and I just thank God for the opportunity and pray it was him speaking and not me. I want to encourage you tonight. Where ever you are, where ever you're at, God can Use you. You may not feel like it, you may be worn down by what others think and say, but you are where you are for a reason a purpose. I encourage you to ask God to stretch you, use you, and really just be closure to him.

    If you wonder at the title, I just made it up. However, this could go with it. N like an N in the BC drivers system you are learning and developing, you're in a waiting period. From there you move to the Core. This means that you know what you know and why you know it. You have the core set aside and on what is right. Age is added only when the first two are established. Age means you build on what has developed; you focus and train the skills God has given you. But mainly it means Encourage. Be encourage in all you do because with God all things are possible; nothing is outside his bounds.

 

An Encouraged Struggling Stranger

I didn't post the other two this morning so tonight you get all three. Today was a slack one in a sense and stressful in others. I slept in through class. I planned to do homework today but I'll get to that. Yesterday I had to talk to our financial adviser here at the school because the school had yet to receive my student loan. Well this was the beginning, the origin, the onslaught of a tremendous ball of pain in the back of my neck that ruined my nice day. My student loan oh where to begin. I was suppose to phone them in the morning and I was about to do so when I get a phone call from my parents. They have a letter from nation student loan something or other. They required two sets of id before they can release the funds. Well not only did they forget to include the 'included' envelope that's prepaid and addressed but they sent it so I only have until tomorrow to get the proper information to them. What do I do? Well I talk to Roger (finance guy at school) and he photo copies the id and gives me the address for the place so that is all taken care of. The letter to my (at my parents place) said to go online and sign up for the online services. Easy enough, log on sign up log in, simple. Wrong. They require a loan number present on any letters sent by the place. Well just so happens that my letter does not include such a number. I look up the help phone number and call it. This begins the automated teller adventure. I have no want to explain all that happens in this because I'm sure you've all been through that gambit before but I will say it took me forever to find out any information and longer to finally reach a human being. Well I talk to the lady, she was really nice, and she got me my number, helped me change my phone number, and gave me some advice. She set up a pin so I could check the status of my loan by phone and she advised me to fax everything instead of mail. So back to Roger I go. Get that all shipped out and it is over. This was the extreme cut down, no emotions, explanation. I cannot begin to describe my frustration and near anger in this entire situation.

    Homework. I have that assignment due from last semester tomorrow and I have the interview part done but not the reflection and such. The only reason for this is I do not have the course outline with what needs to be on it. Funny enough, my personality test says I want to have all the facts before proceeding, their right. I stopped doing the work; until tomorrow when I can talk to others in the class I won't write the rest of it. I'm tired but have more to say, if I remember what I want to say I'll fill you in tomorrow. Night.

An Aggravated Struggling Stranger

No Energizer Bunny here…

Ok so to explain what's going on/ went on with my computer last night and today. Last night I'm writing my blog post and the warning comes up saying I should switch my battery or plug in. I do so as I will need it for class the next morning. I continue writing the blog post and the laptop turns off. I mean completely off, she was dead. I double check the chord make sure it's plugged in right just in case it's come loose or I didn't put it in right. It is fine so I check the plug and the box on the cable, both good but I notice the blue light on the box of the cable isn't on. I think it might be the outlet so I remove the cord and try another; nothing. The cord is completely dead; there is no power getting to the computer. Ned is in bed and it's late; I didn't have the patience, willpower, or the processing speed to deal with it right now, so I just go to bed. In the morning I mention it to Ned and while I'm in the shower he tries it and it works. It works as if there is nothing wrong nor ever was anything wrong with it. So I charge it for as long as I can then head to class with the cord. Get to class and plug it in… nothing… no light, no power. Luckily I didn't need to take notes today. Once out of class I start diagnostics if you will. I look up online if there is any recalls or issues or anything of the like; nothing. I try the chord and it is still dead. I smack it around a little, nothing. So I decide to be patient thinking, Ned tried it after it sat for a while… So after awhile I try it. It works. Unfortunately I have another class so I can't just let it sit and charge. I take it and the chord to try again in class. It works!! Sometime during this process I thought maybe it's if I plug it into the wall first it doesn't work… tested it in class and fail. But it was working fine so I didn't argue with it. It was able to charge to full capacity and I have needed to charge it since as of yet so I haven't tried it again… We'll see what happens.

    At dinner today there was an interesting story going around. Apparently the English teacher pretty much said only real men quote Shakespeare. Well this raised a mass debate that lingers well beyond the time and walls of that English class. As expected, Ned and I got in on this, more with each other than not. This being said a girl at the table disagreed with the English teacher. At this point, I don't remember why, but Ned was latched onto me. (Comes in later) I have a little, polite, argument and finish by quoting the balcony scene in Romeo and Juliet while looking straight into her eyes and with Ned on my arm. She got up and left because she was finished, but it was good timing because I pretty sure she had nothing to say to that.

    Chapel was good tonight. The superintendent spoke, and brought in some very touching stories about moral failure of credential holders and well it scared me. I have my struggles, a lot of them, and I really don't want to have my life be like these stories. It impacted me, but I was exhausted for some reason and just didn't dwell in God's presence. On a positive note, I took leadership and prayed for one of my good friends. Well ado but you won't see this tonight as the internet is down here so you'll probably get two post in the morning or three in the night.

A recharging Struggling stranger

Sketch…

(Reason for not posting earlier will be explained in next blog post but know for now it is due to technological issues….)

Another Beautiful day today! This week is suppose to be sunny and warm, can't wait. Well today was so nice that after class, and a movie with Ned, I decided to break out the ol' sketch book and go find something to draw. Well this led to some interesting tales and situations but I'll get to that later now that I've capture your interest. Muahaha…

History on the sketch pad: Well here comes another skeleton out from the closet. The pad was a gift; a gift for my 18th birthday party; a gift from my girlfriend (at the time). It is not from one you know and you wonder why I have never mentioned her? Well this is one who was a rebound; to me now, a non serious relationship. Jess was a rebound from Kat. She is a wonderful person but not for me. There are things I wish I could take back, I'm sure she would too. The worst was how the relationship started, I suppose for one, but not by far the last. Well in any case I think that is a story for another time as I am not in the mood to share. (Not sure why, kinda feel like I just want to get in bed, but my mind also wanders to thoughts of simply wanting to 'forget') One of the things that brought on some of the situations, were four inscriptions she had included. The first was on the underside of the cover. It was signed "praying and thinking of you always" but in addition to this it gives a brief reason for why she gave it to me. I drew a picture at convention, the same convention that we became official at. It was a nice sketch of a tree reaching out over a cliff. There was an upside down old boat beside rocks and a heart or two weaved into the tree. The 2^nd inscription is chorus from amazing grace my chains are gone. The 3^rd is a verse and a picture. The picture is of a tree and a path; on one side there is the moon and snow or rain, on the right is the sun and birds with a kite stuck in the tree; and of course there is a heart on the trunk. What's the verse? Well 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, I'll let you look it up. The Last inscription is also a verse; Psalm 150:6. "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord" Now to the situations.

While drawing the picture itself, numerous people walked by. People saw me from a distance and wondered why I was sitting where I was. I was sitting in front of the library. Naturally people passed by me, some stopped to talk for a bit and look at what I was doing others glanced and continue on their way. Some complimented me on my sketch, which sent my ego flying, and I stayed almost because of this in a sense. Interestingly enough our librarian stopped and looked and mention poetry. I said I write too and that's why I have a notepad with me case I get inspired. Well he continued and quoted one of his and it was quite good. Funny what you find out about people when you aren't expecting or looking for it. Anyways back to sketch. What was going by through my head the entire time I'm out doing this? I hope girls see me, specific girls. The one I wanted to see never did however. Even still any girls seeing me I welcomed and hoped for. Again why? (yes I seem to ask myself this question frequently I like it, I suppose I never grew out of the 'why' stage) The way I see things is the words of another women are like gold. When you show yourself to one as a good guy, sensitive and the like, the word spreads and may gain intrigue from others. In this I was successful; many girls saw me, some saw the drawing. It is sad though, to see myself like this. Even when I'm trying to avoid these thoughts my mind is plagued with them. It is too much a part of who I've become. Become or am? That's a thought I struggle with as well. On to the next 'experience' I suppose.

After sitting outside for quite awhile with my arse getting sore, fingers getting cold and some 'interest', I decided to pack it in. Instead of going to my room, instead of stowing my sketch and instead of doing the right thing, I head straight up to dinner. Why did I bring it with me, especially since my room is closure than the other building? You can guess, I could not pass up the opportunity to increase my 'points' with the gals. So I'm early, I've still got a half an hour to kill. I decide to go down to the caf anyway and see who's there. Reba's there with a few others doing work so I go and sit down. She notices the pad and asks if she can look at it. She sees the drawing and likes it but, and here is where things get interesting, she notices one of the inscriptions. She then looks throughout the rest of it and finds another one, the drawing. This provokes her to ask questions of whom she is and what the 'relation' was. I tell her and somehow it comes up about Reba's cousin (her cousin like me back where I was and is good friends with jess, they even work together) All this is not too awkward; interesting but not awkward. Not until, that is, one of the others at the table is interested. They start asking about the cousin who liked me and/or still does…

After that incident it is time for food! I'm still early so I go and line up (when the food's not quite ready we line up) and I place the sketch book down on the counter. As a student we have to show our id at every meal to a card checker. Well guess who it is, Ally. We talk a little as were still waiting for the food to be put out. She then notices the sketch pad. She asks if it's mine and I nod and I flip through it showing here the picture. (I think subconsciously I didn't want her to see the inscriptions) what does this result in? She compliments me on how talented I am since not only do I draw I write poetry to. Now a little bit of back-story here. Remember a post or two back when I posted a poem. I wrote it, but that's not the interesting part. Ally had printed the poem off and pinned it up on her wall. Not terribly weird as she had said it spoke to what she was going through. (I believe her as she is not the only one to say they connected with it in a struggling spirit kinda of way, I mean I wrote it from my own so why wouldn't it) How does this relate, well, she caught me off guard. When she was done saying how talented I was, she said maybe when I'm done drawing it she can post it on her wall too. Luckily the food was ready so I didn't reply and got my food.

After all of this I went and played soccer. This was my day. (I had more written but when my computer died I lost it and can't remember it… I am sorry)

 

A Sketchy Struggling Stranger

Manly Movie Monday, and Moments Missed to Model the Message

Well as I said I would be back tonight. Well a lot has transpired since last I wrote and you read. Hard to comprehend but it has. Let's start at the beginning. This morning I meant to get up at 6 to do some homework then go to class. Well this did not work and I slept in. Later in the day I had a meeting. My excuse for not going to class was of a massive head ache. Well when I went for food and the meeting I found out what kind of actor I am as everyone believed me even asking if I had one before it came up. Numerous people ask if I wanted medication and one even told me not to go to my meeting that he would talk and vouch for me and drive me down to my room to sleep. Impressed with myself, yes; disappointed with myself, yes. There was no need to skip class like I did. I blame my every evolving or unveiling self as I slowly tear away masks of personas. This being one mask I have yet to still remove; the avoiding conflict and responsibility one. No one knows, save you now, about this. Does it plague my conscience? Every waking moment thus far. The only positive outcome is, I finally was able to go to manly movie Monday.

    Manly movie Monday, oh how I wish I did not have class. A bunch of us crazy guys went to the store to get food. Well at the store we asked to people to be in a quartet with us, were extremely loud and proved that my friend, Lance, really does shave every part of his body. How did we accomplish this? Simple. I called shotgun….. Ever heard of the shotgun challenge. Well if say I call shotgun and somebody calls challenge the first person to drop their pants and get to the car first gets shotgun… Yep it happened… and were pretty sure the one cute girl we asked to be in our quartet saw.. Fun… ABSOLE FREAKIN LOOOTLY!!! This alongside other jokes made for a hilarious night. Oh and I definitely found one of my new favorite web sites. It's name? unrelatedcaptions.com … I'll let you figure out what it is…

    Before all these shenanigans (believe me what I haven't told you definitely qualifies these as shenanigans) is of the self mutilation done earlier. Well while I was on FB a convo was started with Ally. Somehow the line great minds think alike got thrown in (by her) because we said posted something at the same time… Well I asked if that's why Ned and I can finish each other's sentences. Yes denied it saying we don't have great minds… Anyway, after this, I said "no, it's probably because were married." That was a conversation starter and well I explained me and him were roomies last year as well so were 'common law'. But directly after the married comment she post well I'm jealous…. Did I burst out laughing??? Nope… too shocked. Stood up backed away from the computer, covered my mouth and almost, almost, sank into the fetal position… She 'explained' in subsequent post but this coming from the person who pinned the poem Rock Bottom on here wall… Needless to say Ned and Mark had a good laugh over this one.

    Just before mark and I returned to the room from coffee, Kara called. Well since I was in the car (she asked) she only told me she watched the movie Definitely, Maybe and then we said goodbye. Explanation, remember that movie Ned bought and was the story, and future story, of my life. Well Kara had bought it, before I told her Ned and I watched, but never watched it. After our call the other night she 'had' to watch it because I hinted at a 'joke' and such between Ned and I. She loved it, cried at it and was satisfied with the ending. I'm not sure how to take this yet as she has not explained why or what she might assume I meant about it. I'll find out soon enough I suppose, still waiting for her blog post yet though. Enough about women; on to God.

    I read tonight, the only reason I'm posting. I read Luke 3. Well there was one part that spoke to me. Just before deciding to read and then write this, I was heavily tempted. God provides. Reading this struck my heart again. How? Luke 3:7-9

"Then he said to the multitudes that came out to be baptized, "Brood of Vipers! Who warned you of flee from the wrath to come? Therefore bear fruits worthy of repentance, and do not begin to say to yourselves, 'we have Abraham as our father.' For I say to you hear that God is able to raise up children of Abraham from these stones. And even now the ax is laid to the root of trees. Therefore every tree which does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire."

Even if we say we are Christian should we not live our lives as being forgiven? If we truly repentant then why does our life not reflex it? What struck me is that every tree not bearing good fruit will be cut down and cast into the fire. Who I am is slowly being transformed by God's hands in my life, yet still there should be fruits as I am redeemed and God can use me even now. Further from this, my question is if this is the way it should be why are the Christina schools the worst? Why does it seem more and more Christians are doing worse things than the non Christians? Why Am I ok with living like a am ; in sin. There are so many questions. Later in the verses to come it even tells what to do in different occupations. Be honest, don't grumble, if you have excess share with those who do not? Yet why do so few follow these? Why is it that the worst cases of fraud and theft are within the church? Why do you always hear a Christian complaining? And why do not more share their wealth and good fortune? This verse causes me to want to just get going with ministry. Get into the world and do something about. This verse turns me on my brothers and sisters as they should be following these. This angers me in a sense of how low the standard for being a Christian has fallen and easy it is to do nothing within the church. With such simple and few commands as these why have they fallen by the wayside? This attacked my very soul in that I was even considering falling into my temptation as I had early. I see how easy it is to push these aside for what we want, what we crave. This, however, is no excuse. As Christians we should set the examples, the very name should hold us to such a higher standard that it is unattainable as it even means little Christ. Yet in our world we are content to live and let live; to go with the flow; to not know what the left hand is doing or the right yet full well know it is wrong. Why do we pursue person gain in a career in ministry? Ministry is about reaching people for Christ with the gospel not money position or power. We should dwell less on where our career is taking us and more concerned where God is taking us. Well I think I've ranted enough for tonight. And though I could say more, I will leave you with this. "The crooked places shall be made straight And the rough ways smooth; And all flesh shall see the salvation of God!" Isaiah 40:4,5

Peace and Grace be Yours in Abundance

A Reading Struggling Stranger

Movies, Facebook, and a Cell make procrastination easy.

Well it was an interesting night last night…. Really. And as much as I wish to leave the feminine topic alone, I think and feel (Ned would get that) that this is impossible. Thus I struggle between relying on God and choosing otherwise. This being said, I've come to the realization that God is evident in my relationships. (not a new revelation, I was just reminded of this) So I think I will share the other night. First off though, the reason I didn't post anything last night is because of the circumstances and honesty. I did not read last not partially due to the situation but mostly due to my stupidity. I have four assignments due today; two weekly assignments and 2 essay precursors. (A rationale and a prospectus) Two of these are done. One I will do after writing this the other hopefully tomorrow. So as of last night I had no time for anything but homework. That didn't stop me…

Sunday was the super bowl. AKA almost all of the guys at college, and some of the girls, were hanging out in the lounge watching it. Me and a lot of the girls were not. Well this gives me an idea to go and watch a movie down in my room. I go on face book and ask anybody online if they're interested. Most say they have homework, no worries. It turns out to me and Phil watching a movie, AVP, until dinner. (Thus I succeeded at procrastinating, knowing I could do it after dinner) Well not only where a bunch of the girls talking about it at lunch (some complaining they didn't get invited) but they wanted to watch one after dinner. Well for some reason *cough* (Kas was with them…) I just had to say yes. So we all head down after awhile of indecision. We hang with a friend for a while and he gives us the movie Yes Man. A couple of us haven't seen it and Jim Carrey is seriously my alter ego so we decided to watch it. Well it was a nice night and it was done at 9 so I still had time to get everything done.

Before I get started I like to eliminate the temptation and distraction of face book by checking it and closing it. Well I creeped… today would have been 6 months… but she said I wouldn't remember so I texted her… well instead of texting back she called. By this point Ned had put on Step Up to watch so I walked out on him unfortunately to answer the phone. I won't go into detail but we started talking at ten and got off the phone at 1:45. She finally knows that I'm not dating anyone for year, but a lot more than that. We talked about everything, as per usual, but we had some more serious time in there as well. Well all I can say is, I hope today isn't that hard for you, I'll be praying.

I'll leave it here for now. I have more I'll say tonight; about life, me and the universe. Until then.

A Irresponsible Struggling Stranger

The infernal mind and to what it dwells

Well nothing terribly exciting today. Nothing outside the realm of Girls, I suppose, which is sad in and of itself. I ponder why my mind revolves so much on that topic. Sadly, I cannot find an answer. Well I will not linger on it longer at this moment, but I turn to the stress tomorrow will bring. I planned to do homework yesterday and today, but the days have been just so dang nice that I couldn't bring myself not to be outside. The other that kept me from my work was other work. I cleaned the apartment today, kitchen living room and bathroom. (The bedroom is a disaster but it is the domain of Ned, I leave it be as I am never really in there) Play soccer after lunch at an Indian place we went to for a friend's birthday. But other than these, my day has been slack. What is the cost though? Tomorrow my day will be hectic. After church I will have to seriously get down to work on my homework as I have at least four things due Monday.

On the Topic of God, nothing jumps out at me. But I will take a moment and reflect on the day passed to see more clearly the present ways in which he works…. In the area of temptation he has given me strength. I am winning the head games and I only can give credit to him because I've tried before and failed, miserably. I've also started to read through Luke and am through the second chapter. (Finished it right before writing this) Well tis all for now that my mind is capable of comprehending. But God moves in ways that we don't see; he could have saved me from something by making me late or likewise. I will give Him praise seen or unseen; heard or unheard, for I know He is in my heart and, regardless of the tangible, I feel Him.

 

A Growing Struggling Stranger

Well like I said I wouldn't post unless I read… So here I am and I started reading Luke. Funny, I kinda consider you, whoever that may include, my accountability partner as this will 'log' whether I read or not… interesting to think about. Well I said I was not going to ramble and rant, even scathe, about women, relationships and the lot; but life sometimes just smacks you in the face. But I'll get to that. First let's out line my day. Well I get to sleep in, YAYA!!, so I go to lunch for my first meal. It is a beautiful day out and if the ground wasn't so soggy I would have gone for a hike. Well I tried to do some homework today, read some books, but I couldn't do it; it was jst too nice out. I spent a lot of the day playing 21 with some friends on the outside court, soaking up some sun.

    An interesting part of my day involves a foosball table. How the heck can my day involve such a thing as this? Well it's not because the school has one, cause we don't, and it's not because it's getting or gotten one either. It goes like this; my next door neighbor comes into to my room and asks if I want a foosball table. I jump at the idea and ask how. Well turns out someone in the city I live in is giving one away on craigs list for free. The only catch is they need it gone soon. Well Ned was at work so no go for the soccer mom van. I spend the next several hours asking people and hunting people down seeing if I could get them to lend me or drive me to pick up this foosball table. The picking was slim due to vehicular requirements, but I finally did find someone. Well I had emailed the guy earlier asking for info and an address and I was waiting on this email. Well after all my running around and everything I'm STILL waiting on this email. Shows the irony in life and just that sense that certain parts if my life should be a movie….

Speaking of movie… nah, Youth first. I went to youth for the first time in a long time. I'll be going the next youth night to. It was really good to get out to it again. Not many where there but that's life. Regardless, God still worked in the moment. I got that feeling of being sooo small when I was praying again. Such an odd feeling. I wondered if it was because I was speaking what I was supposed to, or because I was trying to speak of my own and being so dry that there is nothing left to give out. Well either way I hope filling will occur sometime. Oh and my cell went off right as I was starting to pray to… Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor :P.

The phone call as it turns out was from Ned he. He wanted to see if I want to a watch a movie and b go get some snackies. Well I wasn't there but he went anyway. He got some stuff and yet another movie. Our chick flick's are now up to two. He buys Definitely Maybe. This affects me two ways. One, the title reminds me of an FM Static song that could ably to my life in a way. The second was only revealed after I watched it. I had seen it before, but never like this, I suppose. This movie well slapped me in the face in more than one way. I'll leave it here as if you want you can rent the movie and watch it. Just now that it left me without a piece of me, or with fear. Fear of… well if you watch it you can guess. If you ask I'll be honest :P not that anyone reads this anyway :P haha

 

A Fearstruck Struggling Stranger

A Solid Rock Bottom State Of Being

It's been a couple of days. There are reasons; more than one. Well as you might have guessed from my other post, this week has been very busy; hectically so. It is 'Spiritual Emphesis' week at school and this means we have chapel every day but Friday. This in conjunction with a boatload of homework, this semester and last (I'll explain in a bit), and a little God rocked persona, I have not spare time to share.

Alright homework first; last semester I had a course, crisis intervention, it was my elective. Well I completely gave up on this course by the end of the year not handing in a major assignment, not studying for the final (it was worth a lot because we did not have a midterm), and bombing, or at least thinking I bombed, the exam. In the end, this semester, I had pretty much written it off as failed and as wasted money and my own stupidity. It turns out that not only did I pass I passed with a 61 even without the major assignment and my terrible final. When I talked with my Prof (on my transcript it was marked as incomplete…) she'll let me hand in my assignment if I do it.. I can bring my mark up to a B possible by this… Well needless to say I want my GPA to stay at 3.6 so assignment here I come.

Besides the large amount of chapels, and when in the day they are, God's been doing something, further having no time. Directly related to this blog, I was also convicted that I'm writing it for the wrong reasons, and though I still hold those I'm begin to write them for new ones. Instead of secretly hoping someone who cares for me finds it, I want to keep a record, a testimony if you will. This is why I have come to the decision to continue. So instead of rambling on about girls and that never ending surf of refuse, I want to describe all that God is doing in me and maybe some funny roomy moments.

God's moving in my life again in a new way, in an old way, but in a powerful way. I've pressed in a little and this is what has happened. I've been a two faced Christian and person in general. I've begun shedding the 'shells' the personas I've held and spun. In this God has begun to completely break me. And when I say break I don't mean in cleanly. My soul has been depraved, starved and it is crying out. As I remove the masks of adolescence and begin to become who I truly am and will be I have been completely and utterly dry. Spiritually I have not been feeding myself, not praying not reading the bible. Well God's caused me to pray, not compelled, but I've needed to pray and have. In the morning I simply say a few words asking for protection, but I've also gone to every preservice prayer and just begun to speak and pray out loud again, not so others could hear but so I concentrate on God. Well this has led me more into worship, not singing that's not the only part of worship, but worship in everything. I've begun to pray for people again that is say I will pray for. Even now as I type this names and situations and events come to mind. I've come to expect things when I pray, God Listens. But this did and does not fill my spirit. Nothing it seems would allow me to pour out again because nothing was going back in. I found it hard to pray out loud even in Wednesday night's chapel. (Not the first time but by far the worst) Well it brought me to my knees. These last weeks had begun to listen to the words I was singing and actually meaning them. Knowingly saying them and speaking them. Well all the songs after this message had to do with me loving God and I couldn't sing them, literally. I physically could not say them. I did not love God… Well this just set me catatonic in thought. I just sat there staring at nothing. Well all this thought caused me to follow my logical track to wondering if anyone cares about me. I asked God to show me, bring me someone who cared. And you know what he did. But not in the way you might think. I sat there for hours thinking this, pleading for someone to actually care about me when God 'slapped me upside the head' and said "I Care and I Am Here". Well. What do I say to that? What can I say to that other than Cry and weep thinking what an idiot I am for not thinking of that. Here I am. Catatonic Crying with not many people left in the building and almost laughing at myself. Well I lingered there more, still waiting for someone to notice, to care and come over, but God kept telling me Go your done here for now. I finally gave in, still empty spiritually but with the knowledge that he loves me he cares.

Well the ending is not written yet. Not even in sight but I will fill you in as I continue, but know that if I do not write a post, not tell you all, it is because I have not read the living word yet. I have not filled myself, fed myself and thus I cannot pour out what I do not have.

 

A Crawling Struggling Stranger

P.S. Something I wrote today

Rock Bottom

A boulder, A solid Rock
It has no dirt, it has no soil
It is pure but has no worth

What is its purpose?
Why is it at this place?
What is it waiting for?

Is it waiting for a stone cutter?
Someone who sees its self strength
Someone who cuts it into a brick
Someone who places another brick in the wall

Or Perhaps an artisan?
Someone who sees its self beauty
Someone who elevates it as art
Someone who places it at the center of a garden

Or does it wait for a developer?
Someone who sees the value around it
Someone who breaks it's foundation
Someone who sweeps it aside to save it

No, it waits for the builder
Someone who sees it's worthlessness
Someone who transforms it and uses it
Someone not afraid to crush it 

The builder knowingly, carefully processes it
He adds His water
He adds His Iron
He gives it His shape

This is why it is in this place
This is its purpose
To be shaped
To be built upon

Short and Tired (what a combo)

Today was a busy day…. Wake up at 7 and shower shortly after. Eat breakfast then to class. Chapel after that. Then back to class. Then lunch. Then some homework (due later today). From here we move into meeting time. First my RA meeting which lasts an hour or more starting at 1. After this I had a meeting with my program director. Then I had a meeting with another teacher about a certain class. Then came some more food then I had class. After class I put myself through some self torture with Kara as we talked on the phone for an hour and half or so. Regardless, today was busy and I am pooped. The only thing I left to do tonight is perhaps wait until 'her' blog post is up and read it. Thus continuing myself mutilation. On a side note my meetings went well. And I will leave it here other to say this week is going to be stupid busy with homework and chapels. Well this is definitely my shortest post yet but my bed calls as my eyes sink lower and lower and deeper into their own sockets, shriveling away from the taxing service of rendering light and color unto my retina and transferring it to my brain. Thus as my bed beckons I will answer whole heartily awaiting nothing but the sweet sorrow of having to wake in the morn. Goodnight.

 

A Haggard Struggling Stranger

Patience truly is a virtue

How do I describe today? Fun, refreshing and new; or dreary, taxing and similar. How can one day be so contradicting? Perhaps it is due to my self-contradiction. (as evident from my last post…) Or perhaps it is due to the tearing down of these facades that cause such a middle or twilight state. In any event my day is met with mixed emotions that run rampant; not just for me but those around or involved. In any case I do not want to go down the same path as last night and it's post. Today is Sunday. On Sunday I usually go to church with Ned and not much else gets done. Today was different; it was refreshing and fun. Today I was able to go to the church I went to and did ministry at last year. What was so great about this isn't only the fact that I got to see everyone and play drums; no, most of all, I got to witness rebirth. Two of the girls from my former youth group got baptized. This is amazing and wonderful and emotions of the youth leaders (including myself) were flowing. The unfortunate thing that spoils all of this lies within my own mind. Though these actions and emotions should outweigh the ones that replace them, my mind slips down a slope, and off a cliff, into the world and distractions of a deep and dark inner turmoil. Before the events of church I discovered that yet another couple is on the marriage in summer track. Though I am extremely happy for them (even though at one point I liked the girl, but that is another story for another time) my mind wanders to my own state. Perhaps this confirms my reasoning's behind extricating relationships and their thought processes in my mind; but it still unnerves me. For one, they are my age and if anyone who knew before Bible College (bridal college) they would have said I would be the first one married, hands down. (Some thought even here at bridal college I would be pretty close to the top of the list, especially over some of those now awaiting marriage) Yet here I am, alone, by myself without even a shimmer of what I'm waiting for on the horizon. I mean sure there is Kas. But deep down I know she is not the one. Deep down I know I only like her because she first liked me and she fulfills my moral standards. (as far as I know) Yes she's beautiful (and can sing like an angel) yes she's smart; yes she has a passion for God, but she is not the one for me. God has not intertwined our paths. Our passions and dreams do not line up and God has not made us of one heart. What I mean by that I'm not too sure. I think when the right one comes, I'll know; truly know. Everything will line up. Our future, though hazy and murky, will look and be the same. She will be one that I can truly go on a rant about how amazing she is. I'm not saying she'll be perfect because she won't, but she will be perfect for me. God has a plan and this is why I have chosen to wait on him. I have chosen to give it into his hands and grow closure to him. Growing closure to him grows me closure to his will. His will entails who I will marry; the perfect One. QED Growing closure to God grows me closure to my One.

 

This is the main thing I wanted to say tonight I suppose. (I didn't really plan it but it happened and there are still other things I want you to know for probably selfish reasons) It wasn't the whole marriage thing that set me off, it helped and was a part but, yet again, it was the self mutilation in reading a certain blog. I do not know truly were to begin. Kara if you ever come across this blog I do remember and do wish I could go back to that night; but not for the reasons you may think. There is so much more to what went on at that camp, what was developing inside of me, and what it's outworking became. The back story is twisted and complex; I know not its full depth and wake. To you I am honestly sorry (look in my eyes and you will know how sorry I am). What scares me most is not how involved or even obsessed you are in your dreams and passions. It is the outworking of them and their support. What in actuality scares me is how our 'not so long ago us' as you put has encouraged you. I see why they have; and that is perhaps on me as a downfall. To them, to you even, I have only ever show one face. Like the moon you only ever see one side. I choose which side to disclose and I did not disclose what I thought was unnecessary. So yes they know me so well, but only of that which I chose to share. My life right now is tearing down this different faces and it has hurt people. It has hurt you probably the most, yet I think of one and more that have crumpled in its path of destruction. I am sorry. The final thing I will add, is I'm not who I was, nor will I be who I am at camp. My defenses will be more than simply up; they will be an impenetrable force that does not even show what it protects. The final thing I will say is that I do love you, but as a sister in Christ, as person on this earth, as a very dear friend.

 

A Patient Struggling Stranger