Two things on my mind (maybe three) as the night crawls on (finished writing this the next morning). The one involves people you know, Kara, the other is one you have not met, perhaps from shame. It will take awhile to explain, so perhaps I will dive into the other first. Again it was her blog. Today was pretty much the opposite of her other post. This one described how she missed everything about me and such but what really grabbed my attention was the fact that she openly said she loved me… What makes me think about this is the fact that we never exchanged this written or verbally before... perhaps it was implied in some manners but never truly spoken. It shook me… not so much it was said, but that it was announced. This scares me for the four months I will spend in Winnipeg two of which are the bare minimum that I will have to spend with her. Beyond that she went as far as to say I loved her. Yet further still that I still do. Yes I love her, but as a friend. I know she is not the one and I strongly feel that what she felt was not true love, but attention fueling what she thought was. My true thoughts are what the heck am I going to do; I've already hurt this girl more than anyone ever has and yet no matter what I do next I will hurt her more. Even though she says she OK if I never love her back that way and that if she never finds anyone else she will be content; I know that nothing of the sort is true. She will find someone, the someone meant for her, but until then what am I to do? Do I straight up tell her how it is? Do I try and break it to her easy? Or do I simply try to ignore it altogether? These are the pressing questions of my mind followed or preempted by the questions of what the heck did I do? What did I get myself into? And what was I thinking. These tie into the other situation tonight in more ways than one. Let's introduce someone too you. Her name is Mira. She is a complication in my life (ironic as she ranted on everyone under 20 have 'complicated' relationships). She is my cousin, and I know how that sounds but let me explain. She is my cousin through marriage, she is not blood related at all (perhaps the only reason some thoughts even passed through my mind). She is the daughter of my Uncle's second wife. Well last summer, before I headed to camp, I was staying at my uncles for two months. This is where I and Mira got to know each other. From here it escalated. We started staying up to all hours of the night talking until one would begin to literally fall asleep and the other was keeping them awake by some form of physical 'abuse'. This gave way, rather quickly, to cuddling. Clearly there was something there. After this kissing soon followed (the second girl I have ever kissed); then, one night, we were sitting on my bed, doing what we always did talking just being near each other, and we began to kiss and I accidentally tugged on her hair. Well say Goodbye that was it. Something inside of me dares me to write all that happened yet part of me says no I share that information. So I will go into less detail. The clothes stayed on but nothing was sacred; the next night I cannot say the same. In the nights to follow it progressed rapidly and though we never, to use the preverbal 'did it', we came and 'stood on the line' I would say. But this is where it gets even more complicated. While talking to her and her sister about us something became very apparent, I simply cannot do this. You see she is not a Christian and I'm going to be a Youth pastor. This simply does not work. The verse do not be unequally yoked comes to mind. And really I could not live with myself know she was going to hell and I would never see her again. I could not do it. Well it ended rather quickly but we still talked (luckily or unluckily I left within the next few days, this did however make me look like a bigger jackass of jerk) on the phone. This all brings us to today and tonight. Tonight is a week after I've gotten back to school after the Christmas holidays. I have not seen her since midsummer (somewhere in there we stopped talking on the phone, just before or soon after Kara). Well I was not sure what to expect. Well like usually we talked about a lot, even Kara and how we both didn't think she truly loved me with that gut wrenching heart throbbing way (as Mira described it). Now begins the unrested, unsettled complication part. Though I didn't fully share this with Mira, I shared some. Never have I wanted someone more than I have tonight; to feel her skin, to smell her scent to just hold her. I know a lot of this was lust, but I didn't care I wanted it. Yet I was and am so conflicted. Part of the main reasons I broke up with Mel and Kara was on the principle that they were not the one, specifically, that they were great but they did not stick in my mind as in if asked (and it happened) I wouldn't know how I would defend them if someone said I could do better. This nailed me as I thought about how intoxicated I was with Mira. Not only could I list things about Mira that set me on fire, but I could list things that I had always wanted and in conjunction with the fir, turned me on. But then my Brain kicks in and pipes up about how it can't ever work; and the thing you want most is what you can't have. This did not deter me sadly and I did eventually illicit a response of a very long hug and staying up all night together. Looking back I am so glad nothing else happened, yet I still long for it, in this I do not trust myself in the least. But why do I find someone that I laugh with and seems so right for me personality, brains and everything it's package in have to be so conflicting with one rule that I cannot break without utterly destroying who I am. Me and Mira have talked about this, and though she knows how much I Love God she doesn't understand why we cannot be together if we truly love each other. And so my heart my mind and my very soul are conflicted. I can't simply give up all I know and believe, I Cannot live with myself if I knew she was never going to always be there, and I Can't get her out of mind and ignore her (partly because of her relationship to me and because I simply don't want to). While all this floats through the mass sea enraged in the depths of my mind I cannot help but have the thoughts of I shouldn't be thinking this run through my head; and this should be a no brainer, you live for God. Yet I feel I that I want to disregard these. I know I am almost too stubborn to ever leave my faith yet everyday that seems less and less certain. So many things run through what is called gray matter in my head I scarcely can think at all. And though for some reason I worry much less about hurting Mira, My sense of I don't want to strings along stronger than ever. What am I going to do? I have no idea, I leave tonight and she works at three. My Plan thus far, ignore it and hope it vanishes like the breath breathed on a cold winters night.
A Divided Struggling Stranger
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