They always say how hard it is to finish well in this time between now and Christmas with exams and papers due but people never think it will affect them. I'm one of those but have succumbed to the inevitability of lack of motivation. For the last several days, and weeks really, I have not been able to focus on a task. In part there are too many distractions but not in the way one might think. My mind is distracted more than physically. I cannot dwell on any one thing or say what one thing is truly setting my mind in such a fray as the tracks are jumble for the train that is my thought. In all of this I notice things however, things that don't change and are stable. More and more I see a direct link between God and my every day. There is also a choice, and frankly I've been making the wrong one as of late. The decision to not face the coming odds, trying to cheat the system, has left me exactly where I am. Like a get rich quick scheme, my mind runs. I want to cut the corners and finish the easiest way possible. One positive look on this is in the fact that I was taught to work smarter not harder; this is the extreme outcome that binds me to what seems an easy way out. Instead of just sitting down and actually doing something I spend more time thinking about how to get around it than I would have actually doing it.
I have let this blog without a post for a long time, this partially, is because of the growing difficulty in coming back over the longer time away. Some is for Fear of who is reading, or not fear but knowledge of who is. This is the workings of my mind and I write what I honestly think and go through. With this I write my struggle.
The things that weigh on my mind are numerous but can be numbered. As I like list here they are, Kara, forever on my mind, My sister, school, future, present, my faith, the easy way and many more. Kara and I are us. There is no other way to describe it. She's on my mind and I miss her. But there are always things that people nitpick about. I wish she would call me out on things, not paying attention on the phone, reading, and other things. She doesn't like conflict and I know that, I just wish that she would be more selfish as strange as that sounds. I am a servant I feel happy when I can help others and as such I wish there was more I could for you. Distance doesn't help this in the least; rather, it makes it all the worse. It's in these moments I think she's too good for me. In some sense I feel I want her to be more selfish because of how selfish I am, and that if she was less I wouldn't feel as bad. This is something that has plagued my mind. I am extremely selfish… so many things when Kara and I are talking and so many times it's for me. Perhaps this partly a bad self value as I don't see how I effect her but in the most part I feel selfish, things I say are for selfish reasons things I do are for selfish reasons and I cannot control them, or do not want to. Again I am faced by the I do the things I do not want to do and the things I want to do I do not to do. The conclusion I have come to, and it is one that vexes me, is that no matter how one looks at it, it is a choice. I choose to do the things I do, no one can choose for me what I do and I what I do not do. This brings me my mind to the ultimate struggle of my thought and very being.
During summer I discovered who I was, I am a creation of God longing and crying out for that maker longing to do the will of Him who is above all things. At the core of my being is God. Yet within my mind the thoughts of what is easiest creep in. It would be easier to give into what I want, to take what I want, to leave what I believe behind because then I would be allowed to do what I 'truly' want. An attack from the father of lies, yes; but it does not keep my mind from following down the trap path he sets forth for my mind to run and wander down. In these times in need to remember what I learned this summer, what I had forgotten and have since regained, I Love God. This does not stop my mind from turning, however. If I know this and will not be swayed then why do I still choose as if I didn't? Like a dog who returns to his vomit. Why do I return to those things which has made me sick, that infected who I was and destroys from the inside out. Choice. This is the struggle of life I have discovered. First it is whether you want to follow the world or God. Second it is whether you will follow the World or God. This is a daily struggle of choosing what is right and doing accordingly.
So why after coming to this conclusion has it not completely revolutionized my thinking and all that I do? It's still a choice, and in a choice you weigh the good and the bad. Well this is true or me at least, and as a result I need to see the good and the bad, experience them both to know which is better. This is completely idiotic and stupid as I know which is better and which will feel better but there is still that longing in me that wishes I had an amazing testimony of coming out of a ton of bad and being who I am. Do I wish this upon myself no… but at the same time yes. It is simply one of those things. As to where I'm at right now, I feel that is the excuse, reason, theory, justification for why I have chosen the opposite of what I know is right. A sad excuse but until working through all of this in thought, in particular on here, I had not realized this before.
Back to the list of things that is bugging me, my sis is going through some rough physical things and it is on my mind. But in a sense that I want to use it as an excuse, a pity party if you will, for sympathy or special attention from people. Sad again I know but the thought and intent were there if they aren't now. Realizing this is, I think, the best way of preventing or avoiding it. Honesty does this and brings whole right being.
As to school I have been behind from the lack of focus. Part of this comes from my procrastination but a lot come from my mind being elsewhere when I need it to be focused. I tend to leave things to the night before and, in past, this has not been a problem. I would stay up late and do them. With Kara being in my life I would much rather be talking to her. This wouldn't be a problem if I kept on top of my assignments like I was doing; doing them during the day. Instead I would rather not take away talking to Kara and her to I as I see it as punishing her for my mistakes (arrogant? a little) And I do not want this to impact or hindered your thoughts Kara… I need to do my work during the day. No if ands or buts about it.
As to the future I know that Kara is the one I'm going to marry, God has been clear on that. But this doesn't stop that devil from wriggling his way into my thoughts. At times I question things as I suppose is normal even though I know that Kara and I are too be wed one day. I don't know how or why these thoughts creep in, but it is past weaknesses perhaps that allow it. This revolves back to my perpetual stumbling block again.
It comes and goes stronger at times than others but the choice is there… like choosing God each day. Something I just realized is that it is only the days that I don't verbally choose God that it has happened. With this also, is the choice of doing it; something odd perhaps is that something 'clicks' in me and I've made up my mind and nothing seems to snap me out of it… this only personifies the idea of choice even more.
Well this has been a longish one and I just got from a break and cleaning and perhaps clearing my head a little and will leave you here today…
A choosing Struggling Stranger
