Sorry it's been a few days but exams seem to monopolize ones time.
Tonight i actually had a shift in the RA office, a first this year and it went well. Mica, my former boss, dropped by and said he had been hearing good things and that i was doing a really good job this year on the RA team. It's nice to have encouragement from authority figures some time :). On this side of things, I'm still not sure if i want to try and be RS at the end of this year. I still haven't figured out intern stuff or summer stuff yet. Kara and our future is mingle in there somewhere... well not somewhere but everywhere but you know what I mean. There are a lot of decisions to be made and as i'm typing this i realize i need to go to God first... Thank you Blog for reminding me what to do by allowing me to work through things in my mind... (i'll be right back but you really wont notice anything as you have no concept of the my time withing this blog... in this sense anyway :P) Well i'm back... i've done the dishes, i've prayed, i've read and my heart is still heavy for more reasons than simply the future...
Tonight i fell into the bain of my heart. That sin that has always gotten me, and still has its claws deeply embedded in the flesh of my soul. Why can i never be rid you Devil! Have i not power in the name of Christ? But who am i? Am i one of those who did miracles in your name yet never knew you or am i like the disciples sent out to minister to the people you love? Am i as proverbs 14:2 says... Am i Just one who despises you? And what of 14:5, 25? Am i all but a false deceitful witness? Why can i not be the truth i so desperately want to be and what of speaking words that mean nothing? Why is the one thing i apparently am good deceit. Why do i find it so easy to hide all i don't want seen, to hide those things i'm ashamed of, to hide those emotions of destruction within me, to hide beside acceptance of others. Why can i not accept the acceptance of the only one that truly matters. Why do i do the things i don't want to do and not do the things i want to do? Why is every step i take fail?
Why do i long for something i apparently cannot achieve? I wonder this in my head as i always turn back to sin yet i desire the heart of God. Why could these convictions not be removed? Because that would make my life easy and worthless, this is why the Lord of the Universe has written his Law on my heart. He loves me and because of this he wants the best for me and know what is best for me. There is no trial he will allow us to go through which we can not handle but relying on him. we just need to rely on him. So here i am i'm crying out for your love, your grace, your mercy, your LOVE... Why does God know us so well? Why has he Bless me So much! why do people say you never know what you've got till it's gone. Is this because they don't notice what it does for them because it's always done it? or is it because there is a void in heart, a lack of Care? I know of some blessing in my life and i am refusing to wait until they are gone to realize they are their. To my Family you are the most amazing people i know and i Love you so incredible much. You have been the most influencal people in my life. Dad i love you and i look up to you more than you know. Mum I love you so incredible much and see the strength i desire. Sis I love you and everything you are. To those who have taught me and grown me, i thank God for you and what i have learned from you and pray that one day i will be able to do the same for someone else. *** (i'll let you know what those are for in a little bit) I was going to write something here but it can wait just a little bit. You never know who reads these things and as hard as that is knowing who does can be harder. Kara now knows about you but i don't think she knows i'm posting again. All that to say is i want to be honest to fullest extend with You and that is harder when i know who is reading or could be but it makes this more than just a simple blog it makes it a journal, a safe place. The unique ability it has as not being safe and being safe is what honesty is all about. Trusting someone is letting people in, loving someone is giving them the power to break you. There is one person i really didn't speak of before of those who influence my life. And if i'm honest this is what i was going to write next and she is the one God is using to influence me and show me his love in the most powerful way. I refuse to not see what God has bless me with. Kara I LOVE YOU and i mean it with every fiber in my being. Those asteria earlier , those are the point i took a break from blogging and had a conversation with Kara (and if your reading this Kara with you)... Our God is an amazing God, he works in the craziest of ways. Kara if you are reading this look over what i wrote before i talked to you. Is there one point that you did not reiterate to me or one point you said that is not there. Isn't it odd how you know something yet until someone else says it too you it is equal to what one of my Profs would say "bovine excrement". Kara God has placed you in my life as an amazing blessing and you make me smile without ceasing but i it is God who is allowing you to do this to me because you are his first and foremost. You are his daughter and i need to ask his permission first (sermon illustration for youth group on dating i think so :P :D) Today has been one of those weird and yet not weird days. Earlier i spent it writing out a few dreams i have to place in a scrap book Kara made about us for me... Ten years and we will look at them. This was an amazing time i spent with God and in a sense with you. And the future that God has set before us the race we are suppose to run has become a little bit clearer :).
I was extremely down after talking to God first and i was wondering why it wasn't one of those times that God makes you joyful. Nonetheless i came to a conclusion if you will and i sent Kara a text. It was about my struggle in a sense but more so a pre-emptive strike about how it might make her feel... God told her to Call and pray for me... She obeyed... And you know what, i learned a lot in this conversation. More than words can describe and more than words conveyed. God Gave me one of those moments and said it is my time.
I think i will leave you here today as it is now 8:30 in the morning and i have not slept at all. But today though through the weary battle i fight, God gives me respite. More than this God gives me hope for the battle is already one as it it is the lords battle and not my own. It's funny, i thought this post was going to be more depressing and question, hence the part that almost sounds like a suicide note to those i'm leaving (sorry if i gave that impression, was never the intention) but God has turned it into a note of encouragement. I have seen Gods Love. I have felt his Grace. I know God and that is the most amazing thing in the world (sorry Kara but you know this to be true :))
This is my struggle. This is my Story. This is the path i have chosen to walk down. And this is my testimony of How Good God is.
A Timed Struggling Stranger
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