It has been a long time since I published on here but I feel it is now something I can do. I was writing out of the wrong reason and perhaps I am again but it is something to do while still out at camp and it will serve as a record of all that is in my life as I grow and mature and become the man I will eventually be. I've found I've become fond of lists, perhaps it is my type-A coming out or something but it's one way to start this thing… Three or four major areas going on in my life right now, Camp, Kara, Mira, and growth. All of these become intertwined but I will do my best to bring you all back up to speed. Well let us start with where I am. I am at camp and will be for the next 3 months and a week. We have limited internet but I should be able to post once a day or so, at least until actual camp starts with all the campers running around. Yes this is the same camp where I met Kara, and yes she will be here again and involved more heavily in my life than before… but I'll get to that. First let us go back….*dream sequence begins* lol thought I'd throw that in there. This last year, last semester, last term, last month has been a very interesting one… I may have failed three courses, for sure have failed one and that is only school. Physically i felt horrible, spiritually I was dead, and emotionally I was ripped apart. I was sick, possibly from a weekend immune system or H1N1 or even something from the old building I was living in. This only further drained me as I was getting nothing spiritually, I wasn't praying, reading and almost even caring about my faith, my walk with Christ, all that I truly am and how I define my life. This only worked as a catalyst for the situations I was in. I've been absolutely torn apart this last while and it all comes down to Mira. Mira embodies the all that I want in a woman… Well perhaps not all but is by far the closest person I have met to the woman I actually want to marry… the only reason as to why she is not the one is she is not a Christian. She cannot support me in all that believe live and am. The worst part in all this is we could make it work, Easily. We suit each other in almost everything. The way she receives love I give and they way I receive love she gives thinking of the five love language. But that is only the beginning of it… The small quirks about her and simply who she is, just sets me in wonder. She brilliant and this is something that I have longed for and I would dare say she is smarter than me. How do I know? We argue, not yelling and fighting, but debates and viewpoints. She calls me out on things were I'm not saying everything and when I just don't say anything… No other person I have had a relationship with, potential partner, has done this and more importantly won. I do not always win the arguments… This is partly because I simply don't care about some of the subjects enough but that does not dampen the fact that she wins them because most of the time I can BS and win an argument even when I know I'm wrong. She says she loves me and she has called me out on not loving her as much as she loves me and this is the scary part… Yes we could make it work, yes I would be happy but there would always be this nagging at the back of my mind, not fully fulfilled life as I see it because of my faith… I know God has a plan for my life and I know that does not include someone who doesn't share my faith… Have I wondered if she would become one, yes, has she yes. Has she thought about faking it, yes, would it work no… and I wouldn't want that… I'd rather marry her and know she wasn't a Christian than have her fake it. But that is not the issue, I trust God above all else, he is first in my life. This is where I have grown this is what this entire struggle has brought to the forefront of my mind and solidified my stance. God has a plan, I trust God, God would not equip me for my purpose in him, AKA Mira is not the one. The questions this raises are numerous and in depth. Why would God intertwine our paths and give us something so good if nothing is to become of it, if nothing can become of it. Why would God toy with the emotions of two people, one which is still finding himself. The part that stings most about all of this, however, is how I have hurt yet another Woman. Yet another woman has said she would marry me and I have ripped out her heart and hurt her beyond repair… But the real stab to my heart is how I may have hurt her chance with a relationship with God. She is the one who has asked those questions; who has questioned God, who has seen how it has destroyed yet another life. I have potentially ruined her chance at becoming a Christian. I tried to show her God's love, but instead showed her mine and utterly ripped her heart to jagged shreds. But enough about this in this context; It's time I fill you in on camp. It's been about a month and things have gotten interesting. We had to get the camp all ready, de-winterized but Jared, the camp director, decided we were going to redo the main bathrooms. This is a 40 year old or so building that was added onto, but we aren't touching the newer part… I could rant and rave about all the issues we have encountered so far, yes it's taken us over a month so far, but I feel it is not entirely necessary. Just know that these bathrooms have sucked the life out of me. This is not only due to the long nights and frustration but, more so, the frustration of all others… It would appear I am the golden child… I Screw things up a lot less than the others and I'm a hard worker… I'm not trying to boast, it's just the way things work out. On top of that add the fact that I know generally what I am doing in a lot of things or I can figure it out. This has all combined to me doing more things, being in leadership and ultimately being trusted. Jared sent me an email that was explaining all this. The main goal of the email, however, was to explain that because he doesn't trust many people and that I have gained his trust he lets his frustration out on those he trusts. He didn't want to discourage me when he did this. Though this is amazingly uplifting and, I think, rather cool, he also complains to me about the others not working very quickly how not using their brains etc… and that is what is wearing. I feel like they will start to dislike me because of all of this. And I feel they do the best they can and I have just shown them up… I almost feel responsible for their getting in trouble. And yes I know this is very arrogant and such but I cannot help feeling this way… Therefore this is the state of my mind, I am growing closer to God from figuring out and working through all that is my relationship with Mira thought the pangs of her agony pang me and Camp is hard tough work which I am up for yet emotionally I am still recovering and perhaps unstable… Then add to this Kara being back at camp and how I long for physical touch and she is there and easy to gain this with.. Emotionally in this situation, I know she is not for me. She is a great Girl, amazing even, but not for me. The hard part is emotionally I really am unstable and fall into things with her because of our chemistry. But she wants to more than friends still and this does not help my resolve. Another thing to consider with this as well is the fact that she is feeling alone because her grandmother, who was with her living in her house, died. She is emotionally looking for someone and that falls on me… The stick in this is she is my friend, good friend, and I want to help her yet that ends with something more. It always falls into something, I cannot control myself because I long physically even though I have made a concrete decision in my mind, and she is emotionally unstable and perhaps not thinking straight either. Needless to say, our chemistry works with each other and our emotions are by no means in and stable state so we 'connect'. But I know this cannot continue. I seems as I'm leading her on, and in some ways I am. I try not to but honestly I lose control of my logical senses and fail. This is the stat of my mind. The good thing about camp, as my mother pointed out, is that I am doing, for lack of a better phrase, 'mindless work' which allows me to think. I am able to work through my life thinking about everything drawing conclusions and just solidify the uneasiness know as the sea of my mind. I feel this has brought you more up to speed with where I am. I am closure to maturity than I was before in some areas but I leave it to you to judge if all this is juvenile and childish. Until I write again.
A changing Struggling Stranger
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