The Pathetic Path - Past Not Forgotten

Again it has been a long while since last I saw you, and there are numerous reasons for that I suppose but my mind has slipped back into the thinking of this blog. Finding Who I am; cognitively and systematically detailing the events in my mind to sort through and logically place who i am. In a sense this Blog acts as a journal and as of now its taking a turn from the depressed and down hearted writings of a person disconnected from God to the story of self discovery in the sense of exactly who i am and what my specific purpose is. I suppose this doesn't change exactly what is written as pertaining to whoever reads this as it is not written to be found. This is written to help me understand who i am, what my strengths are and what i'm doing in this world. This is the story, the path of me becoming who i am. I have not changed the name, nor my name in all of this because i will not forget my past because it helps me discover who i am and who i want to be. This is the Struggle of Stranger still as i invite you to journey with me. I write for myself this time, to learn, but i hope that whoever reads would find something to glean from the sometimes frantic, scatter-brained and generally psychotic writings of a Someone Searching. But enough of trying to put words to my purpose in all of this as i have found it extremely difficult and as such feel like it has not flown like anything i normally write.

A lot has happened since last i recorded the outcomes of my days. Where to begin is the question. Well i suppose the best way to decide that is to talk about what is most on my mind, in a good way. Kara. All i can say to this is the Lord works in funny ways but amazing ways. I never thought i would have been someone date a girl twice and in a sense i'm not but in the truest notion of it all i am. Kara and I are together. But more than just together. We know each other. I truly can and do tell her everything. I have told her about this blog and she has read the entire thing. We have worked through some of the hardest things since we have been together and i have come to terms with many of my 'demons' if you will. But i'm sure your wondering how in the heck? Well i suppose i should fill you in. When last i wrote the feelings and emotions coursing through the smallest parts of my brain revolved around Mira, Camp, and Kara. I was emotionally distraught. Camp further drained me physically and spiritually i was not being fed. The culmination of this breaks down later and i'll get into that but in the midst of the interlude to that me and Kara found ourselves together. It's hard to explain just how this happened. We drifted into each other as when together we simply seemed not able to control ourselves. Regardless one needs to know that we were together and things were not right with God in any sense. This built to the 'divide' as i'm going to call it. Me and Kara were both just drained and she came into my cabin and we were talking. This is a big no no as we were alone and girls just aren't suppose to be in guys cabins. Well we got in trouble. This trouble was in the sense of one or both of us were going to being sent home. This may seem harsh to some but as leaders, and both Kara and I are leaders, are to be above r reproach and simple as that we were not. But this lead to perhaps the single greatest worst and best week of my life. Instead of sending either of us home we were in isolation. For a week we did not do any of our duties. It was up to us for how we were to spend this week. For me not being able to be with the kids, doing my job, tormented me and obliterated me. This, however is not the single most import than aspect of this solitude. It snapped me out of the state i was in. It was a wake up call. I had been relying on my own strength, i had been doing what i wanted, i had been extremely selfish. I wanted the glory that God, and God alone, is worthy of. I wanted to do things by my own strength and God through this showed me that my strength was feeble and fails. I spent that week fasting, praying, reading. Something i had not done in a long time. And it was not some great relief when i did. It got harder and depressing. It shook me to down to the very core of who i am. It utterly brought me to rock bottom.

a shadow cast on the floor
reflects nothing in light
but the emptiness in its void
reveals the darkness it hides

the silhouette of a man who stands at the door
all around him is light, defining the core

consumption by one the, destruction the rest
Here he stands to decide whats best

To enter is more than revealing his face
for to one is shadows the other is grace

Darkness hides and light reveals
a fate in which forever seals

The Door but opens only on way
and only fear causes him to stay

Consumption by one, destruction the rest
Here he stands to decide whats best

I no longer had the delusions of several options. There was choice to be made and there is no sitting on the fence. This torture i went to stripped me of all i had imagined, created, masked. It showed me who i really am. I am a man who at his very core seeks God, loves God, wants God's will to be done. It stripped away all other things and showed me my priorities and how out of place they were. God has always been on the list but i had lost sight of him being at the top.
This stemmed out of part because of everything with Mira but it delves much deeper into a slow decay of deceit, death, and dismay. I can blame this mis-prioritization on Mira but that would simply be another self lie i would be feeding myself. Mira was the outcome of a slow and long process of falling away from God. All of this, in my simplified human feeble words, is what hit me in an instance nearer the end of that week of hell. The outworking of this however was something so much more. I found out who at the core i was, and i found out who at the core i wanted and need. I realized what truly sets my heart in wonder, what i am attracted to because it is something i admire and long for. It is not something easy to describe other than 'you' but decrepit words do try in a longing for God. A heart for and of God. At the root of it all is God . That week brought me back to the true me; God centered. Contradictory my message is you say *yes i imagined that in a yoda voice* Yes i know who i am at the very core but this blog is now serving to help me discern who i am within that Capacity. That week marks an A.D. B.C. split. in My life and my relationship with Kara. I had my eyes opened in different ways. I saw who i was truly and i saw what i wanted, and all that i wanted was in Kara. My eyes were on God and i saw, i see, God in her. Never have i know attraction like this. Never have i been drawn to someone so much. Never have i let someone in like this, nor will i ever again. I got a text today from Jared. It simple said "hey man i hear you guys are the real deal this time. I'm happy for you shes a great girl". This embodies the change. I replied saying how i had told him things were different. The thing that is different, the attraction of this all is not something as simple as i like Kara over someone. I am attracted to everything about her because i know what i want, and God knows what i need and both of these focus, center, pinpoint align in Kara. I am attracted to her more than i ever thought was possible. I knew not something like this existed. I am attracted to her physical, perhaps one of the first things a guy notices, i'm attracted to her emotionally, she makes me smile and i make her smile and so much more, but the most important thing i learned is i'm attracted to her spiritually. She is centered on God, she has a faith so strong, she is who God has chosen for me. So many thing s in our story i cannot explain as simple coincidence and chance. God has moved in our lives and day after day i am growing closure to him, and more in love with her. Every little detail i analyze i see Gods hand in and how much i'm attracted to her. Some would say that once you have her the chase of the game is over. I've found that its not over, it changes. You chase after her loving you more and you loving her more. You chase after every little thing that makes her smile, even the tiniest bit broader or longer, you chase after knowing her even the tiniest bit better just to please her that smallest amount more. That week i got right with God. That does not mean its been clean easy sailing *i like the cut of your Jib, :)* Me and Kara had to work through a lot of crap, and still do. We may not get in the typical fights or arguments that couples do but it is not easy. Those fights may come or they may not but we still have a ton of difficulties we work through but instead of working through them yelling we work through them our own way. I'm not going to try and fill you in on all that has transpired in this way but i will continue to let you in when things arise. This ends what i tell you to catch up. Though it is incomplete and very brief i hope it portrays in all color the change that has indeed transpired within me and how it has effected everything in my life.

I write today, Sunday, the week of my midterm exams and the most pressing thing still on my mind is my Career Youth Leadership Class. It has weighed on my spirit and what has brought me down the path of self awareness; rather the need there of. In this class the idea of leading from your strengths is the ideal. But i have no idea what my strengths are. I see most of what i do as skills i have learned. Nothing it seems comes naturally to me. And this is thus the purpose of this rather self center thing know as a blog. I have always seen a blog in the purpose of it benefiting the readers. I know see it as something different. I see that it can benefit the readers but more so the writer. It is he who can freely express his thoughts and if any comments arise i see it as more input data to help him sort through the things of this life. So with this i say i am writing and hope you get something out of it it but this truly is not something to have my words be heard is is to hear the words i have said myself.

Enough of all of this explaining.

Today i woke up and simple have done nothing else today. I have written this and eaten. The thoughts that really have driven my thinking are of Mark and his GF, Mary. They had a fight last night and it is not the fight that so much put concern in my mind it is what mark resolved the reason for the fight to begin with. He was wondering and wanted to ask Mary the reason for their relationship. He was wondering if there was any actual substance to their relationship. This concerns me but does not terrible surprise me. Though Mark has not dated in awhile i definitely see were this could be an empty, void relationship prying on or thriving on loneliness. I have seen that from the beginning or could see that from the beginning. Te other side of this is in the form of something mark observed and longed for. He saw me and our other roommate Scott, praying with our girlfriends. It challenged him and he wanted that with Mary and as far as i know they did. If he saw nothing in it he would not have done this. This is my reasoning anyways.

Something that has been on my mind is my strengths and what the heck they are. Kara sees me differently than i see myself. She sees something in me or about me and it's truly driving me nuts because she won't tell me. :) I know she should not because it is something i need to figure out for myself. So here is my attempt at trying to figure it out. I'm decent at music i can pick something up and playing it with limited pre-knowledge. What i mean is i can figure out sounds it makes and put them together to sound like something but this is something i have learned from piano. This is a skill not strength. In the sense of speaking i am decent but it does not come naturally. Writing i leave to you whether or not it is even decent, but it is not strength. I am good at most things i try my hand at but nothing jumps out. There is not one thing that truly comes naturally too me that i excel at. As situations arise i will try to identify things within in them but i fear i will only help in discerning my weaknesses not my strengths. Well this has been one long and rather boring post so i will leave it here.

Till the next time

An Inward Looking Struggling Stranger