How do I describe today? Fun, refreshing and new; or dreary, taxing and similar. How can one day be so contradicting? Perhaps it is due to my self-contradiction. (as evident from my last post…) Or perhaps it is due to the tearing down of these facades that cause such a middle or twilight state. In any event my day is met with mixed emotions that run rampant; not just for me but those around or involved. In any case I do not want to go down the same path as last night and it's post. Today is Sunday. On Sunday I usually go to church with Ned and not much else gets done. Today was different; it was refreshing and fun. Today I was able to go to the church I went to and did ministry at last year. What was so great about this isn't only the fact that I got to see everyone and play drums; no, most of all, I got to witness rebirth. Two of the girls from my former youth group got baptized. This is amazing and wonderful and emotions of the youth leaders (including myself) were flowing. The unfortunate thing that spoils all of this lies within my own mind. Though these actions and emotions should outweigh the ones that replace them, my mind slips down a slope, and off a cliff, into the world and distractions of a deep and dark inner turmoil. Before the events of church I discovered that yet another couple is on the marriage in summer track. Though I am extremely happy for them (even though at one point I liked the girl, but that is another story for another time) my mind wanders to my own state. Perhaps this confirms my reasoning's behind extricating relationships and their thought processes in my mind; but it still unnerves me. For one, they are my age and if anyone who knew before Bible College (bridal college) they would have said I would be the first one married, hands down. (Some thought even here at bridal college I would be pretty close to the top of the list, especially over some of those now awaiting marriage) Yet here I am, alone, by myself without even a shimmer of what I'm waiting for on the horizon. I mean sure there is Kas. But deep down I know she is not the one. Deep down I know I only like her because she first liked me and she fulfills my moral standards. (as far as I know) Yes she's beautiful (and can sing like an angel) yes she's smart; yes she has a passion for God, but she is not the one for me. God has not intertwined our paths. Our passions and dreams do not line up and God has not made us of one heart. What I mean by that I'm not too sure. I think when the right one comes, I'll know; truly know. Everything will line up. Our future, though hazy and murky, will look and be the same. She will be one that I can truly go on a rant about how amazing she is. I'm not saying she'll be perfect because she won't, but she will be perfect for me. God has a plan and this is why I have chosen to wait on him. I have chosen to give it into his hands and grow closure to him. Growing closure to him grows me closure to his will. His will entails who I will marry; the perfect One. QED Growing closure to God grows me closure to my One.
This is the main thing I wanted to say tonight I suppose. (I didn't really plan it but it happened and there are still other things I want you to know for probably selfish reasons) It wasn't the whole marriage thing that set me off, it helped and was a part but, yet again, it was the self mutilation in reading a certain blog. I do not know truly were to begin. Kara if you ever come across this blog I do remember and do wish I could go back to that night; but not for the reasons you may think. There is so much more to what went on at that camp, what was developing inside of me, and what it's outworking became. The back story is twisted and complex; I know not its full depth and wake. To you I am honestly sorry (look in my eyes and you will know how sorry I am). What scares me most is not how involved or even obsessed you are in your dreams and passions. It is the outworking of them and their support. What in actuality scares me is how our 'not so long ago us' as you put has encouraged you. I see why they have; and that is perhaps on me as a downfall. To them, to you even, I have only ever show one face. Like the moon you only ever see one side. I choose which side to disclose and I did not disclose what I thought was unnecessary. So yes they know me so well, but only of that which I chose to share. My life right now is tearing down this different faces and it has hurt people. It has hurt you probably the most, yet I think of one and more that have crumpled in its path of destruction. I am sorry. The final thing I will add, is I'm not who I was, nor will I be who I am at camp. My defenses will be more than simply up; they will be an impenetrable force that does not even show what it protects. The final thing I will say is that I do love you, but as a sister in Christ, as person on this earth, as a very dear friend.
A Patient Struggling Stranger
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